A Knight's Tale movie

Shall we help him?

Well, he has to be in the
lists in two minutes

two minutes or forfeit

[fat squire]  Lend us those.

[blonde squire]  Right. Left.

[fat squire]  Thank you

[flies buzzing]

[visor squeaks]

Dead.

[blonde squire]  Eh?

[ginger squire]
Three scores to none
after two lances.

All Sir Ector needs t'do is not
fall off 'is horse an' we've won!

- eew!

[fat squire]
He's dead. (sighs)

[ginger squire]
What d'you mean dead?

[fat squire]
The spark of his life
is smothered in shite.

His spirit is gone but
his stench remains.

Does that answer your question?

[ginger squire]
No, no, no, no, no...

No, he sleeps, rouse him.

We're minutes from victory,
I haven't eaten in three days!

[blonde squire]
None of us have Wat!

[fat squire]
We need to fetch a priest.

[Wat]
No, he's not dead!

You wake up!

Come on, hah?!
[tap tap tap tap...]

Come on!

Uhh!
[clung!!]

Ahh!!!
[clang!!]

Uhh!!
[clungh!]

You manky git!
(banging continue)

[You insufferable...!]

[blonde Squire]  Roland...

[King of Arms]  Oi, Squire!
[Wat: I'll fight with you...!]

Sir Ector must report at once,

or forfeit the match.
[Wat:  ...Oh I'll fight with you...!]

[Roland]  Oh he's uh...
[blonde squire]  He's on his way!

[Wat:  I ha-haven't eaten in three days!]

[Three days! What did you eat, mate?!]

(horse snorts)

[King of Arms]  Hah!

[Wat:  Ahh! I'll Kill ya! Ahh!]

[blonde squire]  I'll ride in his place.

[Wat:  If you wasn't dead, I would kill ya!]

[Roland sighing]
[Wat:  Ahh! Uhh...!]

[blonde squire]
Strip his armor,

I'm riding in his place.
[Wat:  You worthless...]

[Wat]   ...piece of sh-
[blonde squire]  Wat, stop kicking him, calm down!

I'm riding in his place.

Help me, please.

[Roland]
What's your name, William?

I'm asking you, William Thatcher,
to answer me with your name.

It's not Sir William.

It's not Count or Duke or Earl William.
It's certainly not King William?

[William]
I'm aware of that.

[Roland]
You have to be of noble
birth to compete!

[William]  A detail!

The landscape is food.

Do you want to eat or don't you?

[Roland]
If the nobles find out who you are,
there'll be the devil to pay!

[William]
Then pray that they don't.

( ♪ Queen's We Will Rock You)
[crowd stomping and clapping with the tune]
- Oi !!!  Oi !!! -

♪ Buddy you're a boy
make a big noise

♪ Playin' in the street gonna be
a big man some day

♪ You got mud on yo' face

♪ You big disgrace

♪ Kickin' your can all over the place

♪ Singin'

[Crowd]
- We will, we will, rock you ! -

[crowd]- Oi !!! -

(trumpet blowing)

- We will, we will, rock you ! -

- Oi !!! -

♪ Buddy you're a young man hard man

♪ Shoutin' in the street gonna
take on the world some day

♪ You got blood on yo' face

♪ You big disgrace

♪ Wavin' your banner all over the place
[knight]  ...to the lists!

- We will, we will, rock you ! -

(trumpet blowing)

- Oi !!! -

♪ Sing it ! Ah !

- We will, we will, rock you ! -

- Oi !!! -

♪ Buddy you're an old man poor man

♪ Pleadin' with your eyes gonna make
you some peace some day

(peasant boy whooping)

♪ You got mud on your face

♪ You big disgrace
(horn blowing, peasant girl whooping)

♪ Somebody better put you
back into your place

- We will, we will, rock you ! -

(horse neighing)

- Oi !!! -
[Knight] yeah-hah !!

- We will, we will, rock you ! -

♪ Buddy you're a young man hard man

♪ Shoutin' in the street gonna
take on the world some day

(bald peasant:  Ok here we go! yeah!)

♪ You got blood on yo' face

♪ You big disgrace
(turkeyleg man:  Raarrghh!)

♪ Wavin' your banner all over the place
(waving crowd shouting Oi !!!)

- We will, we will, rock you ! -

- Oi !!! -

♪ Sing it! Ah!

- We will, we will, rock you ! -

♪ Everybody

- We will, we will...

- rock you! -

[Roland]  Visor!

[Wat] Come on, we're late!

- We will, we will, rock you! -

(William's horse neighing)

♪ Alright

(dog whimpering)

(crowd cheering)

(guitar solo over trumpets)

[King of Arms]
The score stands at
three lances to none!

In favor of Sir Ector!

Lord Philip of Aragon,

Stand ye ready?!

[crowd]
Aragon! Aragon! Aragon...

[King of Arms]  Sir Ector,

Stand ye ready?!

[Wat]  Ready?

[William]
Of course, I have tilted against
Sir Ector many times you know.

[Wat]
In practice as his target.

You're never allowed to strike him.

[William]
Badger me not with details.

[Roland]
Landscape, then. Stay on the horse.

He needs 3 points to beat you so a
broken lance won't win it for him,

he has to knock you off the horse!

[William]
I know how to score, Roland.

I've waited my whole
life for this moment.

[Wat]
You've waited your whole life for
Sir Ector to shite himself to death?

Ungh!

[Crowd]
...Ector! Ector! Ector...

(horse snorts)

(Flag flaps)

(crowd roars)
(upbeat orchestral music playing)

[William]  Hyaah!!

(horse neighing)

[Roland]
hooaahh!!!

Hooaahh!!!

Hooaaahh!!!

(armor clanking)

(William panting)

[Roland]
Get it in the cradle, get it in...

...the cradle.
[Wat]  Get it in the cradle!!

[William]  Ahh!

(klug!)

bragaashh!!!

[William]  Uhh!!
(crowd roaring)

[Wat]  Uhh!

(th-wumpph!)

[Roland]  Oohh!

[Wat]  Yeah!

[Wat]  yeah, damn you! (laughing)
[Roland]  William, are you alright?

[Roland]  are you alive?! William, can you hear me?
[Wat]  We won! We won!

[Roland]  William? Get off me! William!
[Wat]  We won! We won!

[Roland]  can you hear me William?
[Wat]  Mm-wuah!

[Roland]
Is he breathing?

[Wat]  We won!!

[Roland]
He's breathing! hes breathing!!

He's breathing!!

- Ah, ha ha ha ha!! -

[Lord of Flanders]  Sir Ector...

[King of Arms]  Sir Ector,

remove your helmet!

[William]  Uh...my lord...

I'm afraid the final blow of the
lance has bent it onto my head.

[Wat]
H-he says...ehr...the
final blow of th-uhh!

[King of Arms]
I present your champion, my lord.

(crowd cheering, whistling)

(crowd cheering)

[Roland]  Twenty.

[Fence]  No, Ten.

[Roland]  Fifteen.

[Fence]  Done.

(horse neighing)

[Roland]
Very good. Cheers.

Fifteen silver florins.
He didn't want that.

That's five for William.

Five...for Wat.

Five for Roland, who's going
straight home to England.

[Wat]
Straight to the pub for me.
Eel pie, brie tart...

tansy cakes with peppermint
cream oh-hohohoho...

[William]
We could do this.

[Roland]
Do it? we've done it, boy.
That's silver in your hand.

[William]
No, I mean, we can do this.

We can be champions.

Give us your coins.

Now, come on, give me your coins.

Right.

Right, now that's one for you.

And one...

for you.

Which leaves...

thirteen.

That's thirteen for training
and outfitting.

Now the tournament in Rouen
is in a month from now.

In one month we could split a
prize bigger than this one.

In one month we could be on
our way to glory and riches

non of us ever dreamed of.

[Roland]
In one month we could be laid
in a ditch with Sir Ector,

I don't want glory and riches William,
I just want to go home.

[Wat]
Tansy cakes with peppermint cream,

Dilled veal balls with squash fritters
I'll take my five now!

[sighs]

boy!

Oi, wait up!

You're going the wrong way!

[Roland]
But you can't even joust.

[William]
Most of it is the guts to take a blow,
to strike one, guts I have.

And technique?

I have a month to learn that.

Besides the sword,

name a man better with a sword than I?

[Wat]
In the practice ring!

[Roland]
You're not of noble birth.

[William]  Oh so, we lie.
(crows cawing)

How did the nobles become
noble in the first place huh?

They took it,

at the tip of a sword.

I'll do it with a lance.

[Wat]  A blunted lance?
[William]  Oh no matter, Wat!

A man can change his stars!

And I won't spend the rest
of my life as nothing.

[Roland]
That is nothing. And nothing is
right where glory'll take us!

[Wat]
We're the sons of peasants.

Glory and riches and stars
are beyond our grasp.

But a full stomach?
That dream can come true!

[William]
If you can take your coins,
go to England, eat cake.

But if you can't,

you, come with me.

You see money doesn't matter!

- Eyaaahhh!!! -

[William]  Huh?!!

- Ooff!!! -

N-no!...
(all grunting)

N-noo!

[William]  Eeaahh!!

Aahhh! Oww!

Ohhh!
(Roland chuckling)

[Wat]
You see how hungry I am?!

Do you?!

[William]
Damn your stomach, Wat!

(Roland chuckling)

Roland, please.

With 13 silver pieces,
three men can change their stars.

[Roland]
God love you, William.

[William]
(chuckling) I know, I know. No one else will.

m-mwuah!

[ ♪Low Rider]

- Ohh! -
- Hah!! -

[William]  Uhh! Oohmm!

[Roland]  Unlucky!

[Wat]  I think he's getting worse.
[Roland]  He is getting worse.

(Thogg!)

(Bgaashh!)

(BONK!)
[William]  Whoah!!

Uh!

(thud!)
Ahh!!!

Uhhh!

Ohh...

(Wooden swords hitting)

pakh!
(both grunting)

pokh!

takh!

tokh!

pakh!
[Roland]  Switch!

(Wat yelling)

pokh!

takh!

tokh!

pokh!
[Wat]  Eaayahh!!

[Wat]  Switch.

[Wat]
Glory and riches... Glory and riches...

Glory and riches!!

(Wat groaning)

[Wat]  Aieee!!

[Roland] Ah! uhmmhh! (grunting)

[Wat]
You see how dangerous it is?!

[William]  Faster!

Faster Roland!

Alright, use those legs!

Come on, Roland. Faster! Faster!

[Wat]
You've missed it.

[Roland]
You've done it dozens of times.

[William]
Well, I guess that means
we should do it again.

Come on.
(Clicking)

(tongue clicking)

Come on, ponies.
(Clicking)

[Roland]
Fong him!

[Roland]
Faster, faster, balance!

[William]
No, no, no, no, slow and slow.
Keep it steady!

Ah! Oh! Ha-haahhh!!!

Got it! Look, I got it! I got it!

I go... Aahh!

(Splash!!)

(Wat laughing)

(Roland chuckling)

[Roland]
Any minute now.

[Wat]  Uhh?

(Wat yelling)

(wood swords hitting)

[Roland]  Switch!

[Roland]  Switch!

[Wat]  Aahh!

- Whoah! Oohff!

(thungkh!)

- Yeaahhahah!! -
- Ha-haaahhh!!! -

(thongkh!)

(thungkh!)

(thongkkh!)

(thongkh!)

(thongkh!)

[Roland]  Yes, better!
[Wat]  Nice one!

Nice!

[Wat]
It's my turn to ride.

[William]  Nooo.

We haven't reached
the mile marker yet.

And I'm not sure you should.

Suppose we passed another knight,

how would it look if my squire
rode while I walked?

[Wat]
I don't give a witch's teat!

It's my turn! It's my turn!

[Roland]
...Hey, hey, hey maybe
nobody should be ridin'.

The horse is not what he used
to be, and we need him right?

[William]
Fine, Fine, Fine!

[Nude walker]  Morning!

Morning!

[William]  Oi, sir!

Wha' are you doing?

[nude walker]  Uh...

Trudging.

You know, trudging? To trudge?

To trudge the slow, weary...

depressing, yet determined walk of a
man who has nothing left in his life

except the impulse to simply,

soldier on!

[William]
Uhm... were you robbed?

[nude walker]
(chuckled) Ehr... interesting
question actually... Yes.

And at the same time,
a huge, resounding "No"

It's more a sort of involuntary
vow of poverty...

...really.

But you know on the brighter side,

trudging does represent pride.

Pride, resolve and faith

in the good Lord Almighty.

Please, Christ, rescue me
from my current tribul-

Aahhgh!!

...lations.

[Roland]
Who are ya?

(pthu!)

[nude walker]
Lilium inter spinas.

(pthu!)

The lily among the thorns.

Geoffrey Chaucer's the name.

Writing's the game.

Chaucer?

Geoffrey Chaucer, the writer?

[Wat]  A what?

[Geoffrey Chaucer]
A wha- "a what?" A writer.

You know I write with,
ink and parchment.

[sniffs] For a penny, I'll scribble
you anything you want. From...

summonses, decrees, edicts,
warrants, patents of nobility.

I've even been known to jot down a
poem or two if the muse descends.

You probably read my book?

The Book of the Duchess?

Fine! Well, it was allegorical.

[Roland]
Well, we won't hold that against you.
That's for each man to decide for himself.

[William]
Did you say patents of nobility?

[Geoffrey Chaucer]
Yes that's right, I did.

And you gentlemen are?

[William]  Wel...

well I am Sir Ulrich.. uh..
Von Lichtenstein from Gelderland,

and these here are
my faithful squires...

uh, Delves...

of...Dodgington...

and..uh... Fowlehurst...

of Crewe.

[Geoffrey Chaucer]
I'm Richard the Lionheart,
pleased to meet you

No, wait a minute I'm Charlemagne!

No I'm St. John the Bap-

- tist-sshit! ungh!
[William]  Alright!

[Geoffrey Chaucer]  Oohf!

[William]
Hold your tongue, sir, or lose it!

[Geoffrey Chaucer]
Now you see "that" I do believe...

Sir Ulrich.

[William]  Thank you...

Geoff.

[Roland]
Have you any more to say Master Nude, or
having failed your test may we be on our way?

[Geoff]
Oh, you're off to the tournament are ye?

[Wat]
This is the road to Rouen isn't it?

[Geoff]
Well you know that really
remains to be seen.

Y'see they're limiting
the field at Rouen.

Noble birth must be established for four
generations on either side of the family,

patents of nobility
must be provided.

[William sighs]

[Geoff]
Listen, clothe me,

shoe me, for God's sake feed me,
let me ride that horse a bit

and you'll have your patents.

[Wat]  No.

[William]
Patents of nobility.

[Roland]
We need him.

[William]
We need him.

[Wat]
A'right let me handle it.

[Roland]  Be nice.

(Wat sighs)

Nice, nice, nice...

Alright.

Uh...

betray us,

and I will fong you, until
your insides are out,

your outsides are in, your entrails
will become your extrails.

I will wreak...

all the p...

unh...

p-pain!

Lots of pain!

[Crowd roaring]

(bragaashh!!)

[Geoff]
May I present my lord Ulrich,

whose mother's father was
Shilhard von Rechberg

son of the Duke Guelph of Saxony,

son of Ghibellines, son of Wendish
the 4th earl of brunswich

the same Wendish who inherited
the fief of luhmberg...

[King of Arms]
That'll do, herald.

Six generations is more than enough.
Show me the patents.

Indicate in which events shall
your Lord Ulrich compete.

(tawng!)

(towng!)

He'll first meet Roger Lord Mortimer.

[Geoff]
Thank you very much.

[William]
I can't believe it!

You did it, Chaucer!

I have to thank you. I didn't
think we had a chance.

[Geoff]  Mmh...

My pleasure, William.

Now if you don't mind, I think I'll stick
around and see how things turn out

[William]
act as my herald, and you'll
receive a share of the winnings.

[Geoff]  Done.

Now if you don't mind, I have to
go see a man about a dog.

♪Walking out from Cheapside

♪ My fortunes for to seek

♪ I passed along the River Thames

♪ Its waters did they reek

(old woman laughs)

♪ 'T'was there I met a pretty lass

♪ She said her name was Nell...

Bell or hell rhymes with Nell...

(clicking)

Would you speak to me?

[Lady]
Ah, to speak.

But sir, my sex are marked
by their silence.

[William]
Oh I would hear you speak
if it cost me my ears.

[Lady]
That is well, for I do not
want silence in my life.

[William]
Tell me your name.

[Lady]
Would you care if I were ugly?

[William]  Uh, Yes!

I mean, no. I mean... if...

[Bishop]
You desecrate the house of God!!!

[William]  Oh,

Ohh!! (chuckles)

(priests murmuring)

Uh...

Tell me your name, woman.

[Lady]
And what would you do with
my name, Sir Hunter?

Call me a fox, for that
is all I am to you.

[William]  A fox?

Oh well then a fox you shall
be until I find your name,

my foxy lady!

Ahh!

[Lady]
He's a handsome hunter.
I give him that.

[Bishop]
Does this not shock you, ladies?!

[Lady]
Certainly, my lord (chuckling)

I-I just, I only laugh just
to keep from weeping.

[Bishop]
Beauty is such a curse.

Pray your years come swiftly.

Pray your beauty fades that
you may better serve God.

[Lady]
Oh, I do, my lord. I pray
for it all the time.

Why? God, did you curse
me with this face?

[Bishop]
God's will has a purpose,
but we may not know it.

[Lady]
Oh that is lovely!

[Bishop]
♪ Credo in unum Deum...

(Ladies giggling)

(Kyrie music)

(Bra-gaashh!)

(Crowd roaring)

- Yeeaahh!! -

[Wat]  Yeaah!

(both laughing)

(thwumph!)

[Roland]  Yeah-Hahaha...!

[Wat]  Yeaahh!

Al-right!!

[King of Arms]
Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein,

defeats Roger Lord Mortimer
one lance to none!

(crowd cheering)

[William]
Easy boys! They're likely to think
it's the first time I've broken a lance!

[Wat]
Hah! but it is william, it is!

[William]
But Sir Ulrich's broken
thousands of lances!

[Roland]
Well, come on, master of a thousand lances
you're due in the sword ring in 2 minutes.

-  Come on! (to the horse)
[William]  My armor's loose!

(bam!!,  tang! tang! tang...!)

[Wat]  Aahggh!!
(Baamm!!)

[William]
Oh Shite! If they come
overhead, I can't block!

[Roland]
Well, there's nothing for it now. We're
overdue in the sword ring as we speak.

[William]  Ohh!

It was a mistake to do 2 events.
I don't have time to breathe.

I should withdraw
from the sword

[Wat]
b-but the sword is by far
what you're best at

[William]
But the prizes are
bigger in the joust,

the prestige as well.

[Stranger]
Ulrich von Lichtenstein?

[William]  Yes.

[Stranger]
I am Simon the Summoner.

[William]
And I'm overdue at
the sword arena

(staff taps armor)

[Simon the Summoner]
I must detain you, on
behalf of your herald.

[William]
You were never robbed, were you?

[Geoff]
Look I have a gambling problem.

I can't help myself.

And these people they'll... heh!...

quite literally take the
clothes off your back.

[William]
What do you expect
us to do about it?

[pardoner]
He assured us that you,
his liege, would pay us.

[William]
And who are you?

[pardoner]
Peter, a humble pardoner...

and purveyor of religious relics.

[William]  mhmm...

How much does he owe you?

[Simon the Summoner]
Ten gold florins.

[Wat]
You manky git!

[Geoff]  eyaahh!

[Wat]  Pain! Pain!
[Geoff]  Get him off me! (muffled)
(biff! bonk! biff!)

[William]  hey, hey, hey!!
[Wat]  Take the pain!!

[William]  Wat, let him go!
[Geoff]  Get him off...

Oww!!

[sniffs]

[William]
What would you do to him

if I was to refuse?

[Simon]  We,

on behalf of the Lord God,

will take it from his flesh,

so that he may understand

that gambling,

is a sin.

[Geoff]  Oh, come on...

please, Will...

Please, will you help me,
Sir Ulrich?

I promise you won't regret it.

[William]
I don't have the money.

Release him...

and for God's sake give
him back his clothes...

and you'll get it.

[Simon]  Done!

(snaps fingers)

[William]  You lied!

[Geoff]
Yes, yes I lied I'm a...I'm a writer.
I give the truth scope!

[shouting to the crowd]
Behold my Lord Ulrich von Lichtenstein!!

Son of Shilhard...

[Sword Official]  too late!

[Geoff]  excuse me?

[Sword Official]
Too late. He's been announced.

[Geoff]  fine!

[Sword Official]
Ten blows by sword.

- Sir Ulrich to receive first.

[William]  Sword.

[Sir Walter]  Yeeearrghhh!!

[Roland]  Look out!!

(sword clashing)

(thogghh!)
[William]  Aagghh!

[Sword Official]  Strike!!
(crowd cheering)

[Roland]  Aahh!!

[Wat]  turn it around!

[Sir Walter]  Yeeeaaargghh!

(Clanghh!)
[William]  Uhh!

[Sword Official]  Strike!

[Geoff]
Stop letting him hit you!

[Wat]
Oh shut up! Shut up!

[Sir Walter]
Yeeahh! Yeeeaaarrggghh!!

[Sword Official]
Two strikes for Sir Walter Loring!

Sir Ulrich to strike!

[Wat]  Now it's your turn mate!
[Roland]  Come on, Ulrich!

[Wat] come on!!

[Geoff]
hit 'im with your sword!!

[William]  Huaahh!
(thommnghh!)

[Wat]  Yeah! yeah!

[William]  Rraaargghh!!
(thowmnghh!)

Uhhh!!
(twaanghh!)

Uhhh!!
(thowmnghh!)

Uhhh!!
(clanghh!)

[Sword Official]  Strike!

(All three:  Yeaahhh!)

[Wat]  I taught him that!
That's me! That's me!

[Sword Official]
Sir Ulrich prevails,
five strikes to two!

[Geoff]  Yeeess!!

Behold my Lord Ulrich!

The rock! The hard place!

Like a wind from Gelderland,
he sweeps by!

Blown far from his homeland
in search of glory and honor!

We walk!

In the garden of his

TURPULENCE!!

(silence, crickets chirping)

[Roland]  Yeeaahh!!

All:  YEEEAAAHHH!!!

[♪Takin' Care Of Business]

(grunting, metal clashing)

(bragaashh!!)

(bragaashh!!)

(bragaashh!!)

(swords clashing)

(thownghh!)

(thwaangh!)

(thommngh!)

(thwangshh!)

(thommngh!)

(thwaamnnghh!)

Yeeaaarrggh!!

- YEEAAAHHHH!!! -

[Ronald]  You've done it, You're champion.
[William]  Of the sword.

[Roland]
That's why we're standin' here, isn't it?
Come on, to the lists

[Geoff]
Do you want to touch him?!

Do you want to touch him?!

(horse neighing)

Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich...!

(bragaashh!!)

- aahh!
- Ooohh!

[William]
We should've saved our last
penny for the blacksmith.

No, I can't pay you now...

but I promise you I will, just as...

[Smithee]  No! Money.

Excuse me.

[Second Smithee]
Cash first, not promises.

Aahh! Go on!

Excuse me, sir, I...

[third smithee]  You might try the farris.

[William]  A woman?

[third smithee]
Beggars cannot be choosers, my lord.

[William]  Thank you.

Excuse me.

[Farris]
I don't work for free.

[william]
And I can't joust with broken armor.

[Farris]
Your problem, not mine.

Each drop of this sweat
has a price on it.

[William]
Oh just as well. They told me
I was daft to even ask you.

[Farris]  Who?

[William]
Oh, the other armorers.

(hot iron hissing)

[Farris]
Did they say I couldn't do it
because I'm a woman?

[William]
N-no... they said you're great with
horseshoes, but shite with armor.

The fact you're a woman
wasn't even mentioned.

(metal clanging)

[peddler]
Cat's meat! Hot wine!

Cat's meat! Hot wine?!

Cat's meat! Hot wine...!

(lances smashing, crowd roaring)

[knight in black armor]
Lady, I will win this
tournament for you.

[other knight]
Nay! I will win for you.

[varlet] My Lady...

May I present Count Adhemar...

winner of the joust in France
and high champion at Saint-Emilion.

[Count Adhemar]
All such moments forgotten,

when standing before the most
beautiful woman in Christendom.

[Lady]
Do you only pretend
to fight Count Adhemar,

or do you wage
real war as well?

[Count Adhemar]
I am leader of the
free companies.

My army is in southern France,

for the moment.

[William]
Geoff, 'tis my lady.

[Geoff]
Oh geez William,
you aim too high.

[William]
Oh, if there's another way
to aim I don't know it!

[Roland]  Concentrate!

[William]
What should I say to her?

[Count Adhemar]
What do you think of the joust?

[Lady]  It's very abrupt.
[Count Adhemar]  hmm...

I'm afraid I don't understand the rules.

[Adhemar]
Then I shall educate you.

A match is three lances.

One point

is awarded for breaking a lance on
a man between the waist and neck.

Two points for breaking
on the helmet.

It's difficult.

The helmet sweeps back.
Most blows glance off.

Leaving the lance unbroken

and three points for bearing
a rider to the ground.

Also, should you bear a rider
to the ground, you win his horse.

[Lady]
And do men die in the joust?

[Count Adhemar]
The lances points are tipped
with coronals, which blunts them.

Of course,

accidents happen.

I myself, Jocelyn,
have never been unhorsed.

[Lady Jocelyn]  Nor have I.

[William]
Your name, lady.

I still need to hear it.

[Lady Jocelyn]
Sir Hunter, you persist.

[William]
Or perhaps angels have no names,

only beautiful faces.

[Count Adhemar]  And you are?

[William]
Well I am, um...

[Count Adhemar]
you've forgotten?

Or your name is Sir "Um."

[William]
Ulrich, von Lichtenstein
from Gelderland.

[Count Adhemar]
Well I'd forget as well,
What a mouthful.

(nobles chuckling)

Your armor, sir.

[William]
What about it?

[Count Adhemar]
How stylish of you to
joust in an antique.

You'll start a new
fashion if you win.

My grandfather will be able
to wear his in public again.

And a shield...

how quaint.

[William]  hyaahh!

[Count Adhemar]
Some of these poor country knights,

little better than peasants.

[herald] The second son,

of Sir Wallace Percival,
third Earl of Warwick.

My lords, my ladies...

it is with honor I introduce my liege,

Sir Thomas Colville!

(trumpets blowing)

[Geoff]  You're good.

You're very good.

My lords!

My ladies...

and everybody else here
not sitting on a cushion?!

(crowd cheering)

Today...

to-day!

You find yourselves equals!

(peasants cheering)

For you are all,

equally blessed!

For I have the pride...

the privilege, nay, the pleasure!

Of introducing to you a knight,

sired by knights!

A knight who can trace his lineage back...
[Wat:  uunghh...]

beyond Charlemagne.

I first met him...

atop a mountain near Jerusalem...

praying to God...

asking his forgiveness
for the saracen blood...

spilt by his sword!

Next, he amazed me
still further in Italy...

when he saved a
fatherless beauty...

from the would-be ravishings
of her dreadful turkish uncle!

(crowd booing)

[Wat]  Ahghh!

[Geoff]  Unghh!

In Greece...

he spent a year...

in silence...

just to better understand
the sound...

of a whisper.

And so without further gilding the lily
and with no more ado!

I give to you, the seeker of serenity!

The protector,

of Italian virginity!

The enforcer of our Lord God,
the one, the only,

SIR UUULLLRICH

VON LICHTENSTEIN!!

(crowd roaring)

Thank you! Thank you!
I'll be here all week!

[Roland]
Well that was different.

[Geoff]
Well it's time we celebrated
our differences.

[Roland]
Just maybe not in public.

[Wat]  You...

[Geoff]
Yes, master Fowlehurst I'm well aware
a good fonging is on the way.

[Wat]
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah...

[Geoff]  Well I got their attention.
          You go and win their hearts.
[Wat]  ...ohh

(clachink!)

(horses galloping)

(chugggh!)

(bragaasshh!!)

(horse neighing)

(crowd roaring)

- woof! woof! woof! woof...! -

[Geoff]  Very good.

[William]  Was she watching?

-  Geoff!
[Geoff]  What?

[William]  Did she see me?
[Geoff]  Yes, she saw you.

[William]  Did she see me take the hit?
[Geoff]  Yes, she saw you take the hit.

[William]  well was she concerned?
[Geoff]  It was dreadful, her eyes welled up.

It was awful.

chwuigghh!

thrrowbshh!

[Count Adhemar]
Colville has perfect technique.

I've never seen him before.

[Varlet]  Nor I.

But this Lichtenstein.

His technique, rudimentary style,
nonexistent. Still, he's fearless.

[Count Adhemar]  hmm...

[Lady Jocelyn]
Fearless? How so?

[Count Adhemar]
Slit in the helmet's visor is narrow,
but splinters can penetrate it.

Most knights raise their chins
at the last instant.

You lose sight of your opponent,
when you protect your eyes.

This Ulrich doesn't.

[Lady Jocelyn]
He keeps his eye on the target.

A true hunter.

[Sir Colville]  Sir Ulrich...(groaning)

l'm through.

But, um...

I've never not finished before.

I wish to keep my honor...

intact.

[Germaine the varlet]
A draw. And Colville is hurt.

[Count Adhemar]
Colville withdraws.

Ulrich advances.

Why didn't Ulrich finish him?

[scoffs]

[Lady Jocelyn]
He shows mercy.

[Count Adhemar]
Then he shows his weakness.

That's all mercy is.

[William sighs]

[Roland]
For the love of victory,
William, go to sleep.

[William]  I can't.

Love has given me wings,
so I must fly.

I can't explain it.

She makes me feel like a poet.

[Roland]
Oh, you may feel like a poet,
but you sound like an idiot.

You don't even know her name.

[William]  Her name?

Her name is Aphrodite,

Calypso, Venus. Take your pick.

(Wat moaning in his sleep)

[Roland]
Women weaken the heart.

Without your heart, you cannot win.

[William]  Oh but her eyes...
[Roland]  Concentrate.

[Wat]  Tansy cakes!

Bhrrmm!...

[maid]
Count Adhemar sends word.

He said he will win this
tournament for you.

[Jocelyn]
He's won many tournaments.

He wins them for himself
and for his own honor.

So it's nothing to say he
wins them for me.

[maid]
He wishes to speak to you again.

[Jocelyn]
Not to hear a word I say.

Adhemar wants his women silent.

[Jocelyn]
Would you have Sir Ulrich win
this tournament for you?

[Jocelyn]  No.

And he is the only knight who
has not promised to do so.

Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

I would have him win my heart.

Adhemar! Adhemar! Adhemar!

[Wat]  Oh, lovely.

[William]  Count Adhemar...

I don't think I've ever seen him lose.

[Roland]
No, but defeat him and
you'll see it firsthand.

[Geoff]  My liege!

Sir Ulrich!
(tap, tap)

Christiana.

[Christiana]
My lady bids you wear this token.

[William]  Of course!

[Christiana]
She also said to tell you,

her name...

is Jocelyn.

[William]  Jocelyn...

[Geoff]  Au revoir.
[Christiana]  Au revoir.

[William]  Oh, Jocelyn...

[Roland]  Concentrate.

(horse agitated, snorting)

(horse neighing)

(reins snap)

(cla-chink!)

(ch-lick!)

(flag flaps, crowd roars)

(horse neighs)

(thrugaashhh!!)

(crowd roars)

(horse neighs)

- Ohhh!!
- Aahh!!

- Haahh!!-

[Roland]  Whoaahh...

[William]
I can't breathe.

[Adhemar]  unghh!

No style whatsoever.

But neither has an anvil.

[William]
whooh!  He hits like a hammer.
It's Amazing!

[Roland]
But not perfect. He aims
high on your chest.

Roll your shoulder back, when you strike
his blow may glance to your right.

[William]
Oh if he strikes on the right, he'll be
striking on the left, I'll be obliterated.

[Roland]
Didn't say I want to gamble

(horse neighs)

(bragaasshh!!)

(crowd roars)

- Eeyeahh!! -
(laughing)

[Jocelyn]  Ohh...(relieved)

[Wat]  Pffftt!

[crowd]
- Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich...! -

(clangkh!)

(k-klangkh!)

[William]  Yah! Yaahh!!
(horse neighs)

Hyaahh!!

Chaaahh!!

(thoggh-grisshh!!)

[Wil's Father]  Willi-am?!

William?!

William!

William, here!

Come on, come 'ere.

[Young William]
Someday, I'll be a knight.

[man in stocks]
(scoffs) A thatcher's son? A knight?

You might as well try
to change the stars! (laughing)

[chokes]

[Young William]
Can it be done, Father?

Can a man change the stars?

[Wil's Dad]  Yes, William.

If he believes enough,
a man can do anything.

(horse neighing)

(crowd roaring)

(william groaning)

[Roland]  ...Wh-Wh-Whoah, whooahh!

Come here.

[Adhemar]
Gain more bearing, Ulrich.

See me again when you're worthy.

[Wat]
I'll fong you in the hole of your arse!

Fong your...Aaghh!!

- Ooff!
[Geoff]  Well done, my lord!

Well done!

[Wat]  You bastard!
[Geoff]  Go and see to Ulrich!

Go, and see to Ulrich!

Well done, my lord!

A noble victory.

[Adhemar]
My lady, I believe this is yours.

[king of arms]
For long spear on foot...

Pandolfo Malatesta.

(crowd cheering)

For sword on foot,
Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

(Wil's gang cheering)

And finally, for the mounted joust
and tournament champion...

Adhemar, Count of Anjou.

(louder cheering by crowd)

- Adhemar! Adhemar! Adhemar! -</!>

I present to you your champions.

[William]
Next time I face you
Count Adhemar...

you will look up at me
from the flat of your back.

[Adhemar]
Please. You have been weighed,
you have been measured...

and you have been found wanting.

(Wil's gang laughing)

[Roland]
Keep winning the sword,
and we'll be rich!

[William]
I won't compete in the sword again.

[Geoff]
It's your best event!

[William]
No! It's tournament champion
or nothing at all.

(ptang!)

Ten florins. That should do.

[Simon the Summoner]
It's sixes and sevens tonight, Chaucer.

Do you feel lucky?

[Peter the Pardoner]
Do you wear enough clothes?

[Geoff]
Go on, begone I'm done with you.

Except to exact my revenge.

[Peter]  Mmm?...

What on earth could you
possibly do to us?

[Geoff]
I will eviscerate you in fiction.

Every last pimple,
every last character flaw.

I was naked for a day.

You will be naked for eternity.

[Simon]
I have a feeling we shall meet again.
(Peter mocking laughter)

[William]  Here farris,

take what we owe you.

[Farris]
The armor you wear,

t'wasn't made for you, was it?

[William]  So, what of it?

[Farris]
I could make such armor you wouldn't
even know you wore it.

[William]
And how much would that cost me?

[Farris]
Just take me as far as Paris.

[William]
We travel alone.
Take your gold and go.

(ptang!)

Get what you can out of that,
the rest of us will pack camp.

[Wat]
Why we leaving so soon?

[William]
Tournament at Lagny-sur-Marne
starts in a week.

We leave now we can walk most
of the way and save the horse.

[Geoff]
No, You have to go to banquet tonight. You have to dance.
You have to make an appearance

[William]
Oh and have Adhemar
laugh at me again? No!

[Geoff]  Yes!
[William]  No!

- Yes!
- No!

- Yes!
- No!

- Yes!
- No!

[Roland]  aa-hem, ahem!

- Yes!
- No!

[Christiana]
My lady would know the color
of your lord's tunic tonight.

[Roland]  His tunic?

[Christiana]
Yes, so she can dress to match him.

[Geoff]
Uh w-we regret to inform your lady
that he won't actually be attending...

[William]
Herald, do not answer questions
you don't know the answer to!

[Geoff]
Absolutely my lord.

[William]
Uhh squire, answer her.

What uhh... color is my tunic... tonight.

[Roland]  Uhh...

green

uhmm...

Trimmed in a kind of...

pale... green...

uh..with-with...

uh, wooden toggles.

[Christiana]
I will tell my lady.

[William]  Oh this is a disaster!
[Roland]  No, it'll tunic up quite nicely,
           give us your dagger Wat.

[William]
That's not a disaster, Roland.

(sighs) I don't know how to dance.

(tok!)

(tok!)

(tok...!)

(Geoff)
And one and two and three and four.

And your hand should be light,
like a birdie on a branch.

And one, two and three and four.

And Wat doesn't lead,
he follows like a girl.

(chuckles)

(BIFF!)
- Ooff!

Aaand...

one! and two and

twirlie, twirlie, twirlie.

And one and two, and you're
still gettin' it wrong.

And one and two
and three and four.

You can hit me all day
'cause you punch like a what?

[Roland]  A girl.

[Wat]  That's enough o' that!
[William]  Hey get back! Roland...

[Wat]  I'm doin' this for you! He starts it everytime...
[William]  Roland quiet! You know he
           doesn't like that!

(whistles, tweeeoooh!)

[Geoff]
Oh, and you can do better can you?

[Farris]
Of course I can.

[William]
Good! Why don't you show us then.

[Farris]  No.

[William]  No!
(thump!)

[Roland]
Look If I'm going through all this effort,
you better learn to dance now ask her nicely

[William]
I'm sorry, Kate.

I was wondering if... you would
care to... show us how to dance.

[Wat]  Please.

- Please -

[Kate]
Aaand one and two,

three and four.

Five, six, seven,

change partners!

And a one, two (chuckling),
three, four...

five, six, seven...Polonaise!

And one...

You're not going to wear
your hair like that, are you?

[William]
Is there another way?

(Kate chuckling)

[Jocelyn]  Sir Ulrich...

you look fantastic.

[William]
Jocelyn, you look...

Uh, you...

you remind me of the Bible.

When God stopped the sun in the sky at Gibeon to
give Joshua more time to defeat the Amorites.

[Jocelyn]
I don't understand.

(chuckles)

[William]
If I could ask God one thing...

it would be to stop the moon.

Stop the moon and make this night...

and your beauty...

last forever.

[master of ceremonies]
So what dance will you have?

A coranto?

Or a basse dance?

[Adhemar]  Sir Ulrich!

Why don't you show us all
the dance of your country?

Show us a dance of Gelderland.

[William]  oh...
[Master of Ceremonies]  Yes. Gelderland.

[William]  Uhh...

uh well, i-it's a lot like uh...
farandole...

but with some differences... uhm

Well, you should bow.

And...

...mhmm...

and...mhmm...

(people murmuring, women giggling)

and...

[Jocelyn]  la ta ta ta...

(clap!)

(strings and flute begin to play)

[Master of Ceremonies]
Places, Places!

[ ♪Golden Years]

(metal hitting)

[Kate]  What?

[William]
Uhh... I don't know.
It's-it's too small,

it's too light.

[Wat]
He'll be crushed, killed.

[Kate]  No. (sighs)

I found a new way to heat the steel.

It's thinner, smaller...

but just as strong.

[Roland]  Wha' are these?

[Kate]
The marks of me trade, should
another knight admire the armor.

(men chuckling)

Twist, bend, feel the movement.

[William]  Alright...

But eventually I will be struck.

[Wat]
And then death.

[Kate]
Do you at least have
the courage to test it?

(rumbling squeaking clanking)

(Craashh!)
[William]  Uhngnhh!

[Roland]
Are you alright Wil?

[William]
I didn't feel a thing! (chuckles)

[jeering and laughing]

[men silenced]

[William]  hmph!

[William]
What's the name of that knight?

[Roland]
Piers Courtenay.

He's... uh... raised taxes on his land 3
times this year to pay for tournament.

[Wat]
His people starve while
he sits at banquet.

It's probably true.

(crowd cheering)

[William]  hyaah!!
[Roland]  Hooaaah!!

(thog-graashh!!)

(horse neighing)

(craashh!!)

- Yeah!
- Ohh!
(crowd roaring)

[William]  Hahh!

(horse snorting)

[Piers groaning]

[Wat]  haahh!!

[crowd chanting]
Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich!

[William]  Hyahh!

[Jocelyn]
Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

[Germaine the varlet]
My lord the Count Adhemar...

son of Philippe de Vitry...

son of Gill... es...

master of the free companies...

defender of his...

enormous manhood...

a shining example of chivalry...

and champagne!

(crowd cheering)

[Wat]  Nice work!

[Geoff]  Bravo!

[Colville's herald]  My lords...

[Roland]
Watch every move Adhemar makes.
If theres a weakness, we'll find it.

[William]
And Colville looks fit.
This should be good.

[herald]  My liege...

[the second son of
Sir Wallace Percival.]

It is my deepest honor...

My deepest honor
to present to you...

[Varlet]
It's Edward, my lord!

They're sure of it.

[herald:  ...The third earl of Warwick, I give you...]

(Adhemar sighs)
[...The noble, the illustrious...]

[Sir Thomas Colville!]

(crowd cheering)

(crowd aww-ing in disappointment)

[William]
Adhemar withdrew.

[Roland]
To withdraw like could
mean only one thing.

[Wat]  Royalty.

[Geoff]
I'll see what I can find out.

[King of Arms]
Prepare to drop ze flag!

[Geoff]
No, no, no, no, no.
Not yet, not yet...Wait,

[Geoff]  listen, listen to me...
[King of Arms]  Musicians, announce!

[Geoff]
Wait, wait I must speak with my lord.

[King of Arms]  Then go.

And see if you can beat
ze Second Coming eh?!

[Geoff]  Wait! Wait!

(panting)

Colville is Edward,

the Black Prince of Wales,

and future king of England.

[William]
Oh he's in disguise like me
so he can compete.

[Geoff]
He has never met an
enemy without victory,

he has never attacked a
town he could not defeat.

[Wat]
We're English Geoff!
We know who he is!

[Roland]
You must withdraw Wil. Go tell
them Geoff, they were about to

- drop the flag!
[Geoff]  Absolutely!

[Wat]
Here, give me the lance.

Give me the lance!
Give me the la...

[William]  Hyahh!

(crowd roaring)

[Colville]  Lance!

(thruh-gaashhh!!)

[Geoff]
Oh, my giddy aunt.

[master of arms]
The match, is a draw!

[Geoff]
Are you mad? You knowingly endanger
a member of the royal family

[William]
He knowingly endangers himself.

[Colville]
Well fought Sir Ulrich,

as it was in Rouen.

[William]
And you also, Prince Edward.

[Prince Edward]  You knew me?

[William]  Yeah.

[Prince Edward]
And still you rode?

[William]
It's not in me to withdraw.

[Prince Edward]  Ehh...Nor me.

Though it happens.

[Williams]  Yes, it does.

[Prince Edward]
Good luck with the tournament.

[William]
And you also.

[local Earl Lagny]
The winner of the mounted joust...

and tournament champion...

Ulrich von Lichtenstein!

(crowd cheering)

[William]
Here melt it down, sell it,
do whatever you do.

[Roland]
Yes, Your Majesty.

[Wat]
William you're tournament champion!

[William]
I'm not champion until I defeat Adhemar.
Adhemar withdrew!

[Jocelyn]  Sir Ulrich!

[William]  Oh...

[Jocelyn]
I've come to see what you'll
wear to banquet tonight.

[William]  ...Nothing.

[Jocelyn]
Oh then we'll cause a sensation,
for I'll dress to match.

[William]
Oh don't you ever get tired
of putting on clothes?!

[Geoff]
Uhm... I believe she's talking
about taking them off.

[Jocelyn]
A flower is only as good
as its petals, don't you think?

[William]
A flower is good for nothing.

[Jocelyn]  Really?

[William]
(scoffs) You can't eat a flower.
A...f-flower doesn't keep you warm...

[Jocelyn]
And a rose never knocked
a man off a horse either, did it?

[William]
You're just a silly girl, aren't you?

[Jocelyn]
Better a silly girl with a flower than
a silly boy with a horse and a stick.

Goodbye then.

(thump!)

[Wat]
It's called a lance!

Hellooo?

(horses galloping)
(crowd roaring)

(bra-gaashhh!!)

(horse neighing)

(crasshh!)
[knight:  Uhh!]

[Aahh...!]

[William]  Yeahh!!
(crowd cheering)

[Wat]  Pffft!!

[laughing]

[Hyeahh!]

[Geoff]  I have word.

[William]  What?

[Geoff]
Adhemar's been called back
to the free companies.

The Black Prince commanded it.
He could be gone all season.

[Wat]
First Jocelyn and now Adhemar.

[William]  NOOO!!!

[Kate]  Well done.

[Geoff]  Yeah, well done.

[Wat]  What?...I...

[Germaine]
The uh... tournament results, my lord.

[Adhemar]  Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Uhm!!

[William]  Geoff!

[Geoff]  William!

[William]
I need to write a letter.

"Dear Jocelyn." No...
"My dearest Jocelyn."

[Geoff]  Better.

[William]  Uhm...

"I miss you."

[Geoff winces]

[William]
Oh hold... uh, w-was that wrong?

[Geoff]
Well... i-i-i-it-it's up to you,
really, uhm...

ehr...It's your funeral,
I mean, letter.

[Wat]
Say something about her breasts.

[Roland]
Yeah you miss her breasts.

[William]  Her breasts?

[Geoff]
Yes...you...you could...uhm...but...

I...I would tend to look above
her breasts William.

[William]
I...I miss her throat?

[Geoff]
Perhaps still higher, really.
Towards the heavens?

[Kate]
The moon at least, her breasts
were not that impressive.

[Roland]  Heh!

[William]  The moon?
[Wat]  The moon...

"It is strange to think...

I haven't seen you since a month.

I have seen the new moon, but not you.

I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but
nothing of your beautiful face."

[Geoff]
That's very good William.

[Roland]
I used to know this girl once who...

w-well she broke my heart.
But I used to say the pieces...

[Jocelyn]
"The pieces of my broken heart are so small that
they can be passed through the eye of a needle."

He writes as though I had died.

[Wat]  Yes, ma'am.

He dies as well.

She used to cook for the Duke of York.

I miss her like the sun
misses the flower. (sobbing)

[Jocelyn]
"I miss you like the sun
misses the flower.

Like the sun misses the flower
in the depths of winter.

Instead of beauty
to direct its light to...

the heart hardens like the frozen
world your absence has banished me to."

[William]
"I next compete in the city of Paris.

I will find it empty and in the winter
if you are not there."

[Geoff]  I like it.

And now to finish it.

[Kate]  With "hope."

Love should end with hope.

My husband, God rest him...

told me something I will never forget.

"Hope guides me"

[Jocelyn]
"It is what gets me through the day
and especially the night.

The hope that after you are gone
from my sight...

it will not be the last time
I look upon you." (sobbing)

[William]
And finish it with...

"With all the love
that I possess...

William."

[Geoff]
You mean "Ulrich."

[Jocelyn]
"With all the love that I possess...

I remain yours...

the knight of your heart."

[Wat]
M-my master... hoped you might have
something to send him in return.

[Relic seller]
Cock-a-doodle once!
I shall not deny him.

Cock-a-doodle twice!
I shall not deny him.

Cock-a-doodle thrice!!

I deny him.

Thrice he denied him,

thrice! Of the third, of which that is
the very leg of this... this bird...

[Geoff]  No Adhemar.

[William]  (sighing) No Adhemar.

[Wat]  Woohooo!!

Whoah.

[William]  Wat.

Heh!

Wat, tell me, did you see her?

Did she read the letter?

[Wat]  Yes, and yes.

[William]  And?!

[Wat]  Uhh...

...She's coming to Paris!

[both men laughing]

[William]
Well did she give you anything
for me in return? Did she...

did she give you a letter?

Or a token?

Did she give me a token?

[Wat]  yes...
[William]  She did.

[Wat]  Uhm...

y-yeah...

Y-uh, I mean, um...

[William]
Well, what is it Wat?

Come on give it to me.

[Wat:  Pthu!]

[William]  Y-Yeeess!!

Yeahh!! ho-hoo!

Hell, yeah!
[Wat:  Pthu!]

Ye... she... k... his m... ah!
That means she... Yeah!

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[Geoff]  Cinquante?

That's a nice round number.
(chattering and pub music)

(man:  Uhh!!)

Excusez-moi.

Alright.

The wager they wish to make is that a frenchman,
and not Sir Ulrich, will win the tournament.

However, the amount is 50 florins.

[Kate]
That's all we got.

[Geoff]
Yes and if we had sixty,
the bet would be sixty.

[Roland]
Even money, but Ulrich against
every Frenchman here?

[Geoff]  Oh come on!

He's won four tournaments in a row,
a-and once again Adhemar is not

- here!
[Roland]  I check shields too.

John Beaumont's here.

Count Theobald of Chartres, Philip of Burgundy...
all three French champions.

[french squire]
And englishmen will not win...

this French tournament.

English legs are unsteady
on French soil.

[Geoff]  Par parlez-moi!
[Wat]  Shush yer mou...

[Wat]
Why don't ya shut your mouth, alright?!

(clucking)

Come on, Roland.
It's a good bet.

Win, and I can buy
my own tavern.

[Geoff]
I could write full-time.

[Kate]
And a forge for me.

[2nd french squire]
Yes, and because french wine
is too much for english bellies.

[Wat]
A'right, I'm about this fonging close, mate.
I swear to God, Quasimodo! I oughta...

[Roland]
Listen, all I want is to go home, and I already
have enough to make that trip a hundred times.

[3rd french squire]
And most importantly, because
the pope himself is French!

[Roland]
Well, the pope may be French,
but Jesus is English. You're on!

- YEAH!! -

He won't lose, not with the
princess 'ere watchin' 'im.

[Wil's gang]
♪ He's blond! He's pissed!

He'll see you in the lists!
Lichtenstein! Lichtenstein! ♪

♪ He's blond! He's tan!
He comes from Gelderland!

He comes from Gelderland! ♪

Gelderland!!

♪ Gelderland, Gerderland!

♪ Gelderland, Gerderland! Gerderlaaand...

[Jocelyn]
Do you think he will come?

[Christiana]
As sure as the sun will rise.

[William]
You favor cathedrals.

[Jocelyn]
I come for confession.

And the glass.

A riot of color in a
dreary, gray world.

Don't you think?

[William]
Well it's beautiful.

[Jocelyn]
I feel the same way about
the letter you sent.

Speak to me.

Speak those words.

[William]
I'm going to win this tournament for you.

[Jocelyn]  Excuse me?

[William]
Uh... this tournament,
I'll win it in your name.

Every knight I defeat,
I defeat for you.

Th... your beauty will be reflected in the
power of my arm, the flanks of my horse.

[Jocelyn]  Wow. (with sarcasm)

- Really?
[William]  Yes.

[Jocelyn]
Really? Its flanks?

[William]  Y-yes...

[Jocelyn]
I wish to hear poetry, Ulrich.

[William]  Ohh...

Well, I'm not ready.

[Jocelyn]  But I am.

And why must everything for a
woman be run on a man's schedule?

[William]
Well...uh a man's day is fuller, and...

well you see a man, he has
more demands on his time.

[Jocelyn]  Is that so?

[William]  Yes...

Maybe...

No?

[Jocelyn]
I demand poetry,

and when I want it.
And I want it now.

[William]  Your breasts...

they're below your throat...

where... Damn!

Jocelyn, how may I prove
my love to you?

How?

[Jocelyn]
Do you ask in earnest?

[William]  Yes.

[Jocelyn]
If you would prove your love...

[William]  Right...

[Jocelyn]
You should do your worst.

[William]  My worst...

...W-what do you mean?

[Jocelyn]
Instead of winning, to honor me
with your high reputation...

I want you to act against your
normal character and do badly.

[William]  Do badly?
[Jocelyn]  Lose!

[William]
L-losing proves nothing,
except that I'm a loser!

[Jocelyn]
Wrong! Losing is a much
keener test of your love.

Losing would contradict
your self-love.

And losing would show your obedience
to your lover and not to yourself!

[William]  Really?!
[usher]  Shh! Woman, shh!

[Jocelyn]
Do not "shh" me and spare him!
Now be gone! Go!

What is your answer?

[William]
I will not lose.

[Jocelyn]
Then you do not love me.

[William]  Hahh!

[Geoff]
The Protector of Italian Virginity...

...The Lance that thrilled France...

...the Harasser of Paraser!

He gave them hell at La Rochelle!

The Enforcer of our Lord God!

The one, the only...

Sir Uuuuulrich...

VON LICHTENSTEIN!!!

(crowd cheering)

God, I'm good!

(cla-chank!)

[Jocelyn]
Oh his horse's flanks!

[Christiana]
Maybe where he comes from,
it means love.

(horse neighing)
(flag flaps)

(crowd roaring)

[Wat]  Haahhh!
[Roland]  What are you doing?!

[William]  Losing.

[Roland]
I don't understand?!

[William]
Well, neither do I.

(traagaashhh!!)
(crowd roaring)

- Uhhh...! -

[Jocelyn]  Oohh...

(William groaning)

[Jocelyn]  ...He loves me!

[Geoff]
Uh...are you blind?

Did you see the flag?

[William]
Yes, I saw it, okay?

[Wat]  I know! I know!

[Wat]
Y-you wanna... uh... drop behind
for a more dramatic victory! yeahahah...!

[William]
Look, Jocelyn told me I should
lose to prove my love.

[Geoff]  Oh, God.
I'd rather you were blind.

[Roland]
Don't be foolish, Wil. Each
woman wants proof, that's all.

[William]  Proof of what?

[Roland]
That their legs haven't been
uncrossed for nothing.

[William]
But Roland, I haven't
uncrossed her legs.

[Wat]
Well, then, why in the name of
St. Swithin are we doing this?!

[William]  Because!

- Ohh!! Ahhh!! -

[thug-gaashh!!]

(William groaning)

Because...

I love her.

[ ♪Get Ready]

[Wat]  Ohhh...

(horse galloping)

(successive smashings)

(crowd roaring)

Uhhh!!...

D-duhhh!!...

Aahhh!!...

(more smashings and yellings)

(crowd roaring)

(bra-gaashh!)
- Uuhhh!!

[Wat]
I'm gonna lose everything!

[Geoff]
That's why it's called gambling.

[Wat]  Eayeeahh!!...
[Geoff]  Uhh!!...

[Wat]  Pain! Pain!
       Here's your pain! (punching)

[Kate]
It's very romantic, though.

[Roland]
Are you a woman or a blacksmith?

[Kate]
Sometimes I'm both.

[Geoff]
Ooh, that chafes!

[Roland]  Put 'im down.

(William grunting)

[Geoff]
No one knight has distanced
himself with victories yet.

If you win your remaining
matches and...

some of your opponents
take key losses who knows...

you could make the semis,
even the finals.

[Kate]
Well at least the armor's proven itself.

[Wat]  And your love?

Have you proven that yeeettt?
(machine squeaks)

(William grunting)

[William]
Wat, you remember church as a boy.
The fear, the passion.

That's what she makes me feel.

And for that, I say my rosary
to Jocelyn and, no one else.

[Wat]
William, that's blasphemous.

(machine squeaks)

(william groaning)

(joints snap)

Uuhhh...

[William]
Oh, then may I burn in hell.

[Roland]  Withdraw.

Lose that way.
Just don't take anymore punishment.

[William]  Oh, Roland...

...Ahh!

[Christiana]
My lady sends this message.
She says that If you love her...

[William]
look I know, I know. I must lose.
Is she not watching, huh?

[Christiana]
She says that if you love her,
you will not lose another match.

She says, that if you love her,
you will win this tournament.

[Geoff]
There she is, the embodiment
of love. Your Venus!

[William]
And how I hate her.

[ ♪I Want To Take You Higher]

(bra-gaasshh!!)
(crowd roaring)

[Wat]  Yeaaahhh!!
(laughing)

I don't understand women.

[Geoff]
Nor do I, but they understand us.

Maybe not you.

[Roland]  Yes!

Women, eh?

(bonghh!)

[Geoff]  Forty-eight...

forty-nine...

and fifty!

Thank you very much gentlemen. It's
been excellent doing business with you.

Do look us up if e'er you're in London,
the World Championships, maybe?

Oh come on, don't look too sad.

Here, have a drink on me.

♪He's quick, he's funny, he makes me lots
of money, Lichtenstein... lic-hmm-stein...

Guinevere comes to Lancelot.

Bed him well, my lady.

Bed him well.

[Jocelyn]
We missed you at banquet Sir Ulrich.

[William]  "We"?

[Jocelyn]  I...

Jocelyn...

Your prize.

[William]  My prize...

I am not worthy of a prize.

[Jocelyn]  Then who is?

My maid tells me that
sometimes your varlets...

that they call you William.

Is this so, Sir Ulrich?

[William]  Yes...

Yes it is so.

[Jocelyn]
Oh your name makes no matter to me,

just so long as I can call you my own.

[William]
Oh but Jocelyn, I am your own.

A-ahh!

Damn, girl!

[Jocelyn]
You need a surgeon!

[William]
Uh he's, he's been. He says I will live,
though it doesn't feel that way.

[Jocelyn]
Oh, William. This pain is my doing.

[William]  Yes, it is.

Although...

my father...

he taught me to take the bad...

with the good.

[Jocelyn]
Well this good you speak of...

[William]  Yes?

[Jocelyn]
It will be my doing as well.

[Geoff]
How long since any of
you have been back?

I've only been gone 6 months.

[Kate]
Two years for me.

[Wat]
Three years for my eyes

[Roland]  Five.

Five long years.

(distant bells tolling)

[Geoff]  William?

[William]  Twelve.

Twelve years.

[Ferryman]
He's to be an apprentice, eh?

How long for?

[Thatcher]  Seven years.

(hocks and spits)

Sir Ector?

I'm the thatcher.

I spoke to you outside
London Stadium.

[Sir Ector]
Oh, yes. I remember.

Is this the boy?

Well step forward, son.
Let me have a look at you.

Careful with that, Roland!

Are you afraid of me, boy?

Have you got most of your teeth?

Show me your arm.
You got a strong arm?

Well, he's a half-starved little
scarecrow.

But he's got spirit.

I can show you a great wide world
full of adventure...

and marvels you
do not yet dream of.

Can you pack my
horse and lead it?

Heh?

Well, come on. Say goodbye
to your father. Let's get started.

[Thatcher]
He's a real knight, William.
Watch and learn all you can.

It's all I can do for you, son.

Now go change your stars
and live a better life than I have.

[Sir Ector]  Roland,

show the boy his duties.

[Young William]
Father? I'm afraid!

[Thatcher]  Of what?!

[young William]
I won't know the way back home!

[Thatcher]
Don't be foolish, William!

You just follow your feet!

[Roland]  London.

[♪The Boys Are Back In Town]

(crowd roaring)

[Wat]  Hah!!

Give us a shout out, London!!!

(crowd cheering)

(trumpet blowing)

[crowd chanting]
Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich!

(wenches screaming)

[Geoff]  I have news.

Adhemar's here. He's entered.

[Roland]
He'd grown bored with
whatever war they're fightin'

[Geoff]
No, no the Black Prince commanded it.

He was forced to disband his army.

They were revelling in the night,
pillaging town after town.

Robbing, and murdering,
and ransacking churches...

[Adhemar]
Committing the oldest sins...

in the newest ways.

At last we'll have the chance to face
each other again, Sir Ulrich.

And at the World Championship.

[William]
As I promised you before Adhemar...

you will look up at me
from the flat of your back.

[Adhemar]
Let the past die.

You've done well in my absence,
on the field and off, so I'm told.

Winning trophies, horses, women.

[William]
You put them in that order?

[Adhemar]
Generally, with a few exceptions.

Beautiful, isn't she?

A real thoroughbred trophy,
don't you think?

[William]
You speak of Jocelyn
like she's the target.

[Adhemar]  Isn't she?

[William]  No.

She is the arrow.

[Adhemar]
I've entered into negotiations
with her father.

I'm to make her my bride.

Oh she'll be saddled...

and placed on my mantle.

Target or arrow, it makes no difference.

I will have her.

[crowd chanting]
Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich...!

(crowd roaring)

[Kate]  Go!!
[Wat]  Haahh!!

[Roland]  Hoooaahh!!

(bra-gaasshhh!!)

(horse neighing)

[Adhemar]
How would you beat him?

[retired knight]
With a stick, while he slept.

But on a horse? With a lance? heh!

That man is unbeatable.

(thunder rumbling)

[William]
Hello there!

[little girl]
You... you're Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein!

[William]  Yes.

[little girl]
You're my favorite knight.
When we joust, I always say I'm you.

What are you doing here in Cheapside?
There's no parade today.

[William]
Can you keep a secret?

I was born in Cheapside,

just around the corner there.

[little girl]
Truly, Sir Ulrich?

[William]  Truly.

I only live just there.

[William]
Uh how old are you?

[little girl]
Nine and one half.

[William]
Nine and one half.

I wonder if you remember a man,

though he may have died
before you were born

He was as tall as a knight.

His name was John Thatcher.

[little girl]
Of course I remember him.

[William]  You do?

[little girl]
Well yeah, he lives there still.

Sometimes we see him sitting
at the window, but no one knows why.

[William]
What do you mean?

[little girl]
He's blind, sir.

(taps)

[Thatcher]
Is someone there?

If you're here for the net,
I haven't finished yet.

Come back tomorrow.

Who are you?

[William]  A knight.

My name... is Ulrich.

[Thatcher]
Ulrich? I hear that name
being chanted from the stadium.

What business have you here?

[William]
I have word, Master Thatcher.

Word of your son.

[Thatcher]  Of my William?!

Well, come in, sir!

What word?

Does he live?

[William]  Aye. He lives.

He is very well.

He wanted you to know...

that he changed his stars
after all.

[Thatcher] (sobbing)
And has he followed his feet?

Has he found his way home at last?

[William]  Yes.

Father! (sobbing)

[Thatcher]
Oh, William! Oh, my boy!

(father and son laughing)

I do like to meet this Wat.
And Roland as well.

[William]
You will, Father. You will.

[Thatcher]
And what of women?

Is there a certain one or many?

[William]
There is a certain one.

[Thatcher]
I should like to meet her as well.

[William]
Oh, but this leak won't do, father,

not in the chamber of a Thatcher.

[Thatcher]
For a blind Thatcher
it's quite fitting (chuckling)

[William]
And a Thatcher I am.

I'll fix it for you.

(cathedral bell tolling)

[William]
Alive. Can you imagine?

And I thought he was dead, which is mad
because he was always so strong,

very strong. I remember...

Geoff, Jocelyn!

This day just gets better and better.

[Roland]  Somebody die?

[Geoff]
Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

[William]  What?

[Jocelyn]  Adhemar...

followed you last night.

To Cheapside.

He says he saw your father.

[Geoff]
Will, they asked me for your patents.

They're waiting
for you in the lists,

they're going to arrest you.

A dozen royal guards.

They'll put you in the stocks.

[William]
Ah, but I face Adhemar
in five minutes time.

[Geoff]
No, you forfeit.

They've already marked it down.

[Roland]
Saddle the horses,

they can arrest your baggage, not you.

[William]  Halt.

So, what do you think...

now that you know what I am?

[Jocelyn]
Ah, to know what you are, William,

would take a lifetime.

One I am most willing to give.
But right now you've got to run.

There is nothing else to do.
Run, and I will run with you.

[William]
Jocelyn, I cannot run.

I'm a knight, and I'll
put myself to the hazard!

[Roland]
A knight in your heart, but not on paper,
and paper's all that matters to them!

[Jocelyn]
William, I love you.

I love you. You.

And I'm sorry, but I won't see you
led away bound for the stocks

[William]
Oh, but you'll see me run? No!

[Jocelyn]
Damn your pride, William.

It is you and only you that
will not see you run,

[William]
My pride is the only
thing they can't take

- from me!
[Jocelyn]  But they can take it from you.
           They can and they will.

Oh, they will.

But love they cannot take.

[William]  And...

And where will we live?

In...in my hovel?

With the pigs inside in winter, so
that they won't freeze?

[Jocelyn]
Yes, William, with the pigs.

With the pigs.

The poor can marry for love.

[Jocelyn]
Oh Jocelyn, you speak of what
you do not know!

[Jocelyn]
William, I beg you.

Please.

Run. Do it for love.

[William]
Roland, you would see me run?

And you, Geoff?

[Geoff]
Yes I wish it too, with all
the pieces of my heart.

[William]
Wat, you and I,
we aren't runners.

[Wat]  Yes...

William, today we are.

[Kate]  Run, William.

[William]  No!!

I will not run!!

I am a knight.

[Roland]  Well, boys...

all good things must come to an end.

Let's end them together.

(crowd cheering)

[King of Arms]
You will remove yourself
from this position of honor.

[William]
I am here to compete.

[King of Arms]
You are here to be arrested.

[Wat]  Alright!

[Adhemar]
He that strives to touch a star...

oft stumbles...

at a simple straw.

[scoffs]

You have been weighed.

(BOFF!)
Uuhh!!...

You have been measured.

(BIFF!!)

And you have been found wanting.

(BOFF!)
Uuhhh!!

It's one loss or another...

William.

In what world could you
have ever beaten me?

(BOFF!)
Uuhhh!!...

clkt-clang!!

(mob jeering, yelling)

[William]  Leave, Roland.

Let them have me.

[Roland]
God love you, William.

So do I.

[Wat]  Go! Disperse!!

Or I will fong you!

As Jesus Christ the Nazarene...

and His Most Holy Mother,
the Virgin Mary are my witnesses!

I will fong you!

I will rip you! Fist! Pain!

I'll stick my fist and break you!
Pain! Lots of pain!

[Roland]
We're in trouble.

[Geoff]  Listen to me!

Uhh!

Listen to me!

(swords shishing)

(mob silenced)

[Prince Edward]
What a pair we make, huh?

Both trying to hide who we are.

Both unable to do so.

Your men love you.

If I knew nothing else about you,
that would be enough.

But you also tilt,

when you should withdraw.

And that is knightly too.

Release him!

(crowd murmuring)

He may appear to be
of humble origins...

but my personal historians
have discovered...

that he is descendant
from an ancient royal line.

This is my word.

And as such, is beyond contestation.

(crowd awing)

Now...

if I may repay the kindness
you once showed me.

Take a knee.

(sshiiinghh!)

By the power vested in me
by my father, King Edward...

and by all the witnesses here...

I dub thee...

Sir William.

(mob cheering)

(crowd silenced)

Arise...

Sir William.

Can you joust?

[William]  What?

[Prince Edward]
There's my tournament to finish?

Now, are you fit to compete, or

shall the forfeit stand?

[William]  Oh I'm fit.

[Prince Edward]
I shall have your opponent informed of it.

You look for his shield on the lists,

at once.

[William]
Thank you, my lord.

(crowd cheering)

(trumpets blowing)

[herald]
All hail Prince Edward!

[Germaine]
My lords, my ladies...

and all you other people.

I give you the son of Philippe
de Vitry, son of Gilles de Champagne...

[Adhemar]  Are you sure?
[spy]  Yes.

It's nothing but spun sugar
and boot black.

[Geoff]
It's a small target Wil...

but aim for his heart.

[Germaine]
Doer of daring deeds...

conqueror of countless kingdoms,
Count...

aaaaAAAA

ADHEMAR!!

(crowd cheering)

(chug-graashh!!)

[crowd chanting]
- ADHEMAR! ADHEMAR! ADHEMAR...! -

(William panting and groaning)

[Roland]
Oh, God. I'll fetch the surgeon Wil.

[William]  Roland!

You're the surgeon now.

Come on.

Uhhh!!

[Kate]  He's tipped it.

[William]
Kate, get me back to one.

Back to one or we forfeit.

[Wat]
Dirty son of a bitch!

(cla-chank!!)

(clankh!!)

(brag-gaashh!!)

[William]
Kate, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.

[Adhemar]
As I said, thatcher.

In what world could you
have ever beaten me?

Such a place does not exist.

[Geoff]
She's here William!

And so is your father.

[William]
Change your stars.

Let's dance, you and I.

[Roland]
It's two lances to none.

You must unhorse him or kill him.
It's the only way to win.

[Kate]  You need more padding.
[William]  No, leave it off.

I can't breathe with it on.

Lance.

Ahhh, No!

God! I can barely grip it!

Oh damn.

Lash it to my arm.

Wat...

lash it to me arm.

[Roland]  Do as he says.

[Geoff]  Good people!

I missed my introduction!

(crowd cheering)

But please...

please, I pray you.

Hear it now.

For I would lay rest...

the grace in my tongue...

and speak plain.

Days like these...

are far too rare to cheapen
with heavy-handed words.

And so, I'm afraid,
without any ado whatsoever...

Excuse me, my lord.

Here he is!

One of your own!

Born a stone's throw from
this very stadium...

and here before you now!

The son of John Thatcher...

Sir wiiilllLLIAM

THATCHER!!!

(crowd roaring)

[Wat]
That's your name Wil.

Sir William Thatcher.

Your father heard that.

[crowd chanting]
- WILLIAM! WILLIAM! WILLIAM...! -

[Geoff]
Godspeed, William.

HYAAHHH!!

WILLIAAAAAAAAAM!!!

(THROGGAAASSHH!!!)

[Wat]
You have been weighed.

[Roland]
You have been measured.

[Kate]
And you absolutely...

[Geoff]
have been found wanting.

[William]
Welcome to the new world.

God save you, if it is right
that he should do so.

(clicks)

WILLIAAAAAAAAAM!!!

(THROGGAAASSHH!!!)

(CRAAASHH!!!)

[Edward]
YEEESSS!!! Ye...

[Jocelyn]
He's won! He's won!

[Wil's gang cheering, yelling]

[ crowd chanting  WILLIAM!!!  ]

- You beat him, Will! -

[Jocelyn]  Oh, William.

[crowd roared]

[Geoff]
I think I'll have to write
some of this story down.

[Wat]
Like that part about the prince?
And the knights?

[Geoff]
No no no, all of it.

All human activity lies
within the artist's scope.

Maybe not yours.

[Wat laughing]

- Ale! -
- Yeah! -

[Roland]  hey, hey

(loud fart)

[Geoff]  (louder fart)

[Kate]  (ripper fart)

[Wat]  Ohhh!

(very weak fart)

- YOUR ROUND! -