Bridget Jones Diary Comedy 2001

 Bridget Jones Diary Comedy

[ BRIDGET ]
It all began on New Year's Day...

in my thirty-second year
of being single.

Once again, I found myself on my own...

and going to my mother's
annual turkey curry buffet.

Every year, she tries to fix me up...

with some bushy-haired,
middle-aged bore...

and I feared this year
would be no exception.

There you are, dumpling.

[ BRIDGET ] My mum...

A strange creature from the time...

when pickles on tooth picks...

were still the height of sophistication.

Doilies, Pam? Hello, Bridget.

Third drawer from the top, Una.

Under the mini gherkins.

By the way, the Darcys are here.
They brought Mark with them.

[ BRIDGET ] Ah, here we go.

You remember Mark.

You used to play in his paddling pool.

He's a barrister. Very well off.

No, I don't remember.

He's divorced, apparently.

His wife was Japanese.
Very cruel race.

Now, what are you going to put on?

This.

[ MUM ] Oh, don't be silly,
Bridget.

You'll never get a boyfriend...

if you look like you've
wandered out of Auschwitz.

Now, run upstairs.

I've laid out something lovely on your bed.

Tsk. [ Sighs ]

[ ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING ]
You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off of you.

[ BRIDGET ] Great.
I was wearing a carpet.

[ UNCLE GEOFFREY ] There she is.

[ Singing ] My little Bridget.

Hi, Uncle Geoffrey. Ha ha.

- Hmm. Had a drink?
- No.

No? Come on, then.

[ BRIDGET ] Actually, not my uncle.

Someone who insists I call him uncle...

while he gropes my ass...

and asks me the question
dreaded by all Singletons.

[ UNCLE GEOFFREY ]
So... how's your love life?

Super. Thanks, Uncle G.

Still no fellow, then, eh?
I don't know.

You career girls.
Can't put it off forever.

[ UNA ] Tick-tock, tick-tock.

- Hello, Dad.
- Hello, darling.

How's it going?

Torture.

[ DAD ] Your mother is trying to
fix you up with some divorcee.

Uhh.

Human-rights barrister.
Pretty nasty beast, apparently.

[ BRIDGET ] Hoo. Ding-dong.

Maybe this time Mum had got it right.

Come on. Why don't we see
if Mark fancies a gherkin?

[ Whispering ] Good luck.

Mark?

[ BRIDGET ] Maybe this was
the mysterious Mr. Right...

I'd been waiting my whole life to meet.

You remember Bridget.

[ BRIDGET ] Maybe not.

She's used to run around your lawn...

with no clothes on, remember?

Uh, no, not as such.

Come and look at your gravy, Pam.

I think it's going to need sieving.

Of course it doesn't need sieving.

Just stir it, Una.

Yes, of course.
I'll be right there.

Sorry. Lumpy gravy calls.

[ ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING ]
Let me love you.

[ Sighs ]

- So... ha.
- So.

You staying at your parents' for New Year?

- Yes.
- Mmm.

- You?
- Oh, no, no, no.

I was in London at a party last night...

so I'm afraid I'm a bit hung over.

Wish I could be lying with
my head in the toilet...

Like all normal people.

[ Chuckles, sighs ]

New Year's resolution...
Drink less.

Oh, and quit smoking. Mmm. Ha.

- Oh.
- Oh. Ha.

And keep New Year's resolutions.

Oh. And, uh...

stop talking total nonsense to strangers.

In fact, stop talking, full stop.

Yes, well, perhaps it's time to eat.

Mmm.

[ ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING ]
I need you, baby.

[ MRS. DARCY ] Apparently...

she lives just 'round the corner from you.

Mother, I do not need a blind date.

Particularly not with some
verbally incontinent spinster...

who smokes like a chimney,
drinks like a fish...

and dresses like her mother.

Yummy.

Turkey curry.

My favourite.

[ BRIDGET ] And that was it.
Right there.

Right there.
That was the moment.

I suddenly realized that unless
some thing changed soon...

I was going to live a life
where my major relationship...

was with a bottle of wine...

and I'd finally die fat and alone...

and be found three weeks later,
half-eaten by wild dogs.

Or I was about to turn into Glenn Close...

in "Fatal Attraction."

[ JAMIE O'NEAL SINGING ]
All by myself.

Don't wanna be.

All by myself.

Anymore.

[ VOICE ] You have no messages.

[ Guitar plays ]

[ JAMIE O'NEAL SINGING ]
When I was young.

I never needed anyone.

And making' love was just for fun.

Those days are gone.

All by myself.

Don't wanna be.

All by myself.

Anymore.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Oh-oh-oh.

All by myself.

Don't wanna live...

[ BRIDGET ]
And so I made a major decision.

I had to make sure that next year...

I wouldn't end up shit-faced
and listening to sad FM...

easy-listening
for the over-thirties.

I decided to take control of my life...

and start a diary...

to tell the truth about Bridget Jones...

the whole truth.

Resolution number one... ohh...

Obviously will I lose twenty pounds.

Number two...

always put last night's panties
in the laundry basket.

Equally important...

will find nice sensible
boyfriend to go out with...

and not continue to form
romantic attachments...

to any of the following...

alcoholics, workaholics,
commitment-phobics...

peeping-toms, megalomaniacs...

emotional fuck wits, or perverts.

And especially will not fantasize...

about a particular person who
embodies all these things.

[ ARETHA FRANKLIN ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
What you want.

Baby, I got.

What you need.

Do you know I got it?

[ BRIDGET ] Unfortunately, he
just happens to be my boss...

Editor-in-Chief, Daniel Cleaver.

And for various slightly unfair reasons...

relating to this year's Christmas party...

I suspect he does not fantasize about me.

[ BRIDGET DRUNK SINGING ] Oh.

Can't live.

If living is without you

I can't live.

Can't give anymore.

[ BRIDGET ] Or maybe I'm wrong.

Huh?

[ Indistinct chattering ]

[ BRIDGET ] Ah.

Happy New Year, Mr. Fitzherbert.

Happy New Year, Brenda.

[ BRIDGET ] Mr. Fitzherbert...
Tits Pervert, more like.

Daniel's boss who stares
freely at my breasts...

with no idea who lam or what I do.

Morning. I need that
"Kafka's Motor bike" release...

by 11:00.

[ BRIDGET ] Perpetua...
Slightly senior...

and therefore thinks she's in charge of me.

Most of the time...

I just want to staple things to her head.

[ Telephone rings ]

Publicity.

[ JUDE ] All I asked...
I only asked...

if he wanted to come on
a mini-break to Paris...

[ BRIDGET ] Daily call from Jude.
Best friend.

Head of investment at Brightlings Bank...

who spends most of her time...

trapped in the lady's toilet,
crying over fuck wit boyfriend.

I'm too needy.

[ JUDE ] Am I codependent?

No, you're not.

It's not you. You're lovely.

It's Vile Richard.

Ugh. He's just a big knob head
with no knob.

Is some people's opinion of Kafka...

but they couldn't be more wrong.

This book is a searing vision...

of the wounds our century
has inflicted on...

On traditional masculinity.

It's positively Vonnegut-esque.

Thank you for calling, Professor Leavis.

Guest list for launch party.

Ah.

Was that... F.R. Leavis?

Mm-hmm.

[ DANIEL ] Wow.

Huh.

The F.R. Leavis...

who wrote "Mass Civilization
and Minority Culture"?

Mm-hmm.

The F.R. Leavis
who died in 1978?

Amazing.

[ BRIDGET ] Emergency summit
with urban family...

for coherent discussion of career crisis.

Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them.

Tell them they can stick fucking Leavis...

up their fucking asses.

Good, good.
That's very useful, very useful.

[ BRIDGET ] Shazzer... journalist...

I likes to say "fuck" a lot.

And, Jude, what would you do
if one of your assistants...

made a harmless little mistake like that?

I'd fire you, Bridge.

Excellent.

Is that Cleaver chap still as cute as ever?

Oh, God, yes.

Then I think
a well-timed blow job's...

probably the best answer.

- [ SHAZZER ] Ohh.
- Oh, you love it.

Are you that chap that sang that song?

Yes. Yes, I am.

[ BRIDGET ] Tom... Eighties pop icon

who only wrote one hit record...

then retired because he
found that one record...

was quite enough to get him laid...

for the whole of the Nineties.

- Great song.
- Thank you so much.

[ BRIDGET ] Total poof, of course.

- More vodka?
- No.

Yes. Fill her up, God damn it.

[ BRIDGET ]
At least now I'm in my thirties...

I can hold my drink.

[ Laughter ]

Ohh! Whoops.

- Mind the step.
- She's fine. Drive on.

[ DANIEL ]
Apparently F.R. Leavis is coming.

Afternoon, Bridget.

[ PERPETUA ] What do you mean
you're going on holiday?

Well, what about Julia?

Does she have to go to the funeral?

[ Gasps ]

Listen, we got a little problem...

The only problem is the kitchen.

[ PERPETUA ] Quite frankly,
there isn't room...

[ BRIDGET ] Message Mr. Cleaver.

Am appalled by message.

Skirt is demonstrably
neither sick nor absent.

Appalled by management's
blatantly size-ist attitude...

to skirt.

Suggest management sick, not skirt!

[ PERPETUA ]
That's quite ridiculous.

Ooh. Oh, I see.

[ DANIEL ] Hang on. Hang on.

Right. Yeah.

No, I understand that.

I understand that perfectly.

[ BRIDGET ]
Very bad start to the year.

Have been seduced by informality...

of messaging medium into
flirting with office scoundrel.

Will persevere with resolution
to find a nice sensible man.

Will put a stop to flirting...
first thing tomorrow.

Good plan.

[ PRETENDERS SINGING ]
Don't get me wrong.

[ DANIEL ]
If walking past office...

was attempt to demonstrate
presence of skirt...

can only say that it has failed parlously.

Cleave.

[ BRIDGET ] Shut up, please.
I'm very busy and important.

P.S. How dare you
sexually harass me...

in this impertinent manner.

[ DANIEL ] Message Jones.

Mortified to have caused offence.

Will avoid all
non-P.C. overtones in future.

Deeply apologetic.

P.S. Like your tits in that top.

I'm thinking about the fire works.

[ BRIDGET ]
Mustn't read too much into it, no.

[ Humming Wedding March ] Dum lum dee dum.

Dum dum dee dum, dum dum dee dum dum.

And it all began, of course...

with some very
irresponsible e-mailing...

over Bridget's
non-existent skirt.

[ PRETENDERS SINGING ]
If I split like light refracted

I'm only off to wander

Daniel.
The New York office for you.

Yeah, tell them I'll get back to them.

[ PRETENDERS SINGING ]
Once in a while.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

[ Ding ]

Daniel.

Jones...

- Evening, Kenneth.
- Good evening, Daniel.

[ Ding ]

[ FITZHERBERT ]
If you've got a moment...

I'd like a word before you leave tonight.

Yes, certainly.

[ Ding ]

- I'll see you in a sec.
- Excellent.

- And, Brenda...
- Yes?

At the "Kafka's Motor bike" thing...

I thought it might be fun
if you introduce me...

before I introduce him.

Add a lovely sense of occasion.

[ Chuckles ]

Certainly, sir.

Hmm.

Tch. Brenda, listen.

What are you doing tonight?

Actually, I'm busy.

All right. Well, that's a shame.
I just, uh...

well, I thought it might
be a charitable thing...

to take your skirt out for dinner...

and try and fatten it up a bit.

- Hmm.
- Maybe you can come, too.

What about tomorrow?

No. Tomorrow's the launch.

Ah, yes, of course.

Possibly the worst book ever published.

Well, in the end, that's not
the ad line we've gone for.

Next night?

Let's see, shall we?

["Peter Gunn" playing ]

Good night, Daniel.

Right. No pressure, Bridge...

but your whole future happiness
now depends on how you behave...

on this one social occasion.

Right. What should I do?

First, look gorgeous.

[ Tape rips ] Ohh!

Ow! Gooh!

Two... then totally ignore Daniel
and suck up to famous authors.

Salman.

Salman. Salman.

Circulate.

Oozing intelligence.

Isn't it terrible about Chechnya?

Isn't it terrible about Chechnya?

Chech-nya!

Introduce people with thoughtful details...

such as, "Sheila..."

"This is Daniel.
Daniel, this is Sheila."

"Sheila enjoys horse-riding
and comes from New Zealand."

"Daniel enjoys publishing
and comes..."

All over your face?

[ TOM ] Exactly.

Excuse me.

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt you...

when you're having dinner.
It's just that...

Yes. Yes, it was me.

Yes. Nine years ago.

No current plans to record anything else.

Thank you so much.

Oh, it's just that, ahem...

your... your chair
is on my wife's coat.

[ Laughter ]

Your... your chair on the...

Of course it is.
Of course it is.

[ MAN ] Thank you so much.
Thank you.

[ BRIDGET ] Hmm. Major dilemma.

If actually do, by some terrible chance...

end up inflagrante...

surely these would be most
attractive at crucial moment.

However, chances of
reaching crucial moment...

greatly increase by wearing these.

Scary stomach-holding-in
panties.

Very popular with grannies the world over.

Ha. Tricky. Very tricky.

["Peter Gunn" continues playing ]

[ BRIDGET ] Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to the launch of
"Kafka's Motor bike"...

"The Greatest Book of Our Tiime"...

and here to introduce it
is Mr. Tits Pervert.

Ooh, Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert.

OK, circulate, oozing intelligence.

Ignore Daniel, and be
fabulous with everyone else.

I am the intellectual equal
of everyone else here.

Ooh.

It's like a whole theory
of short fiction...

and of the novella, you know?

And, of course, the problem...

with Martin's definition of the novella...

is that it really only applies to him.

[ Laughter ]

[ MAN ]
That doesn't sound like Martin.

Not. [ Laughter ]

[ RUSHDIE ] I could be wrong.
What do you think?

Uh... do you know...

[ Inhales ]

Where the toilets are, huh?

[ BRIDGET ] Stay calm.
Can't get any worse.

What are you doing here?

I've been asking myself the same question.

I came with a colleague.

So how are you?

Well, apart from being very disappointed...

not to see my favourite
reindeer jumper again...

I'm well.

Anyone going to introduce me?

[ BRIDGET ] Ah, introduce people
with thoughtful details.

Perpetua. Ha.

This is Mark Darcy.

Mark's a prematurely
middle-aged prick...

with a cruel-raced ex-wife.

Perpetua's a fat-ass old bag...

who spends her time bossing me around.

[ BRIDGET ] Maybe not.

Anyone going to introduce me?

[ BRIDGET ] Ah, Perpetua.

Uh, this is Mark Darcy.

Mark's a top barrister.

Oh, he comes from Garth and Underwood.

Perpetua is one of my work colleagues.

Why, Mark, I know you by
reputation, of course.

Ah, Natasha.

[ MARK ] This is Bridget Jones.
Bridget, this is Natasha.

Natasha is a top attorney and
specializes in family law.

Bridget works in publishing...

and used to play naked in my paddling pool.

- How odd.
- Ha ha.

Perpetua, how's the house hunt going?

Disaster.

I oughtn't go into it with you.

By the by, that man is gorgeous.

Ah, yes, Mark.

Just give me time. Give me time.

[ Laughs ]

[ DANIEL ]
"You've written as earing vision... ".

Can you remember the rest of this?

[ RUSHDIE ]
"Of the wounds our century...

"has inflicted on traditional masculinity.

"Positively Vonnegut-esgue."
Obviously.

Listen, you don't know where
the loos are here, do you?

Uh, yes. In the hallway.

Thanks.

[ Microphone not working ]

One, two.

[ Blows ]

[ People chattering ]

Ladies and gentlemen.

L...

[ BRIDGET ] L-ladies and...

L...

Oi!

Oi!

Sorry. The, uh...

mike's not...
work... working. Ahem.

Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to the launch of
"Kafka's Motor bike"...

"The Greatest Book of Our Time."

[ Mild applause ]

Obviously except for
your books, Mr. Rushdie...

which are also very good.

And Lord Archer...

yours aren't bad, either.

[ Clears throat ]Anyway...

uh, what I mean is, uh...

welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for coming to the launch of...

one of the top thirty books of our time.

Anyway, at least.

And here to introduce it, ha...

properly, ha ha...

is, uh, the man we all call, uh...

[ BRIDGET'S INNER VOICE ]
[ Whispering ] Tits Pervert.

Mr...

[ INNER VOICE ] Tits Pervert!

Mr...

[ INNER VOICE ] Tits Pervert.

Fitzherbert, uh...

because...

that is his name.

Mr. Fitzherbert.

Thank you.

[ Mild applause ]

[ FITZHERBERT ] Thank you, Brenda.

[ Sighs ]

Just switch this on.

[ Feedback ]

[ Man laughs, people chattering ]

[ NATASHA ]
So how autobiographical...

is your work, Salman?

[ RUSHDIE ] You know,
it's an amazing thing...

nobody's ever asked me that question.

Excuse me.

Jones. Sod 'em all.

[ DANIEL ] It was a brilliant...

post-modernist masterpiece of
oratorical fireworks, really.

Uhh.

You're looking very sexy, Jones.

I think I'm gonna have to
take you out to dinner now...

whether you like it or not, OK?

Come on, get your stuff.

[ Sighs ]

So how do you feel about
this whole situation...

in Chechnya?
Isn't it a nightmare?

I couldn't give a fuck, Jones.

Now, look, how do you know Arsey Darcy?

Apparently, I used to run 'round naked...

in his paddling pool.

I bet you did, you dirty bitch.

What about you?

Same. Yeah.

No, no, I was best man at his wedding.

Um, knew him from Cambridge.

He was a mate.

And then what?

And then, uh... nothing.

You don't need to protect him.
He's no friend of mine.

Well, um, then...

many years later...

I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake...

of introducing him to my fiancee.

And, um...

I couldn't say, in all honesty,
I've ever quite forgiven him.

God, so...

he's a nasty bastard.

And a dull bastard.

Yes. Yes, I think that's fair.

Anyway, fuck him. Listen,
don't let him ruin our evening.

Why don't you have some more wine...

and tell me more about
practising French-kissing...

with the other girls at school...

because that's a very good story.

- It wasn't French-kissing.
- Don't care. Make it up.

That's an order, Jones.

[ DANIEL ] So, um, how about
a drink at my place?

Totally innocent, no funny business...

just full sex.

No, no, no.

I should get a taxi.

But thank you for the lovely dinner.

It's a pleasure, Jones.

[ ROSEY SINGING ] Oh, love.

Love, love.

Oh.

Ooh.

You're alone.

All the time.

Does it ever puzzle you.

Have you asked why you seem.

To falling love.

And out again.

Do you really ever love.

Or just pretend.

Oh, baby.

Why fool yourself?

Don't be afraid to help yourself.

[ DANIEL ] Now these are very
silly little boots, Jones.

And this is a very silly little dress.

And, um...

these are, uh...

fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.

Jesus. Fuck.

No, no, don't apologize.
I like them.

Hello, Mummy.

[ ROSEY SINGING ] Love

I'm sorry, I have to have another look.

- They're too good to be true.
- No.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'm wearing something quite similar myself.

- Here, I'll show you.
- No. No.

[ ROSEY SINGING ] This time decide.

That you will open up.

Let it in.

There's no shame in sharin' love.

You feel within.

So jump right in.

Head over heels.

And fall right in.

Ha. Huh.

That was fantastic.

Ohh. Mmm.

Ay, ay.

[ BRIDGET ] Ohh. Daniel.

Yeah?

What happens at the office?

Oh. Well,
I'm glad you asked that.

You see, it's a publishing house.

So that means that people
write things for us...

and then we print out all the pages...

and fasten them together...

and make them into what
we call a book, Jones.

No, do you think people will notice?

Notice what?

Us. Working together,
sleeping together.

Hang on a minute, Jones.

Just slow down.
It started on Tuesday...

and now it's Thursday.

It's not exactly...

um, a long-term relationship,
is it?

You're very bad.

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Ring ring ]

Ohh.

[ Ring ring ]

Mmm.

Bridget Jones, want on sex goddess...

with a very bad man between her thighs.

Mum. Hi.

[ BRIDGET ]
It's the truth universally acknowledged...

that the moment one area of
your life starts going OK...

another part of it falls
spectacularly to pieces.

[ PAMELA ] Ah, anyone else want
to have it off?

Ha ha. Don't be shy, madame.

French. Have it oeuf. Ha ha!
With the wise crack egg peeler.

Now, nice firm grip.

Put it in the hole. And...

up, down, up, down.

And off it comes in your hand.

Oh! Mind the over-spray. Sorry.

Darling, if I came in with
my knickers on my head...

he wouldn't notice.

I spent thirty-five years
cleaning his house...

washing his clothes,
bringing up his children.

I'm your child, too.

To be honest, darling, having children...

isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Given my chance again, I'm
not sure I'd have any.

[ MUM ] And now it's
the winter of my life...

and I haven't actually
got anything of my own.

I've got no power, no real career...

no... no sex life.

I've got no life at all.

I'm like the grasshopper
who sang all summer.

I'm like Germaine sodding Geer.

Greer.

Well, anyway, I'm not having it.
And I've been talent spotted.

Julian thinks I've got great potential.

Who's Julian?

From the Home Shopping Channel.

Comes into the store to
have his colours done.

Potential for what?

As a demonstrator on his cable show.

You know, his assistant.

Apparently, it's the highest-
rated show on the channel.

Well, apart from the one...

where the fat people
beat up their relatives.

Ooh! I must wiz.

- Have you heard from Mark Darcy?
- Goodbye, Mum.

[ THE DRAMATICS SINGING ] Mrs.

Mrs. Jones.

[ MUM ] Julian.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

[ THE DRAMATICS SINGING ]
Goin' on and on and on and on.

[ BRIDGET ] And a few weeks later,
it got lots worse.

Hello!

Look at this.

[ JULIAN ]
Paying off this heart-shaped pendant.

One of my own personal recommendations...

is this absolutely stunning...

matching necklace and earring set.

[ JULIAN ] The earrings measuring
just over a centimetre...

in genuine diamond with two
pairs in lapis lazuli...

in a lovely mock-gold finish.

[ JULIAN ] The exact replica
of those worn at Wimbledon...

in 1993 by Her Royal Highness
the Duchess of Kent.

[ Turns off sound ]

Well.

Has she actually moved out then?

Apparently, she and this
tangerine-tinted buffoon...

are suddenly an item.

Half our friends have had
them around to bloody dinner.

[ DAD ]
She's even taking Jaundice Julian...

to Una Alconbury's Tarts and Vicars party.

That's not the Pamela I knew.
That's cruel.

[ BRIDGET ] Well, still,
could be a golden opportunity.

If you spent the entire party
flirting with other women...

it would drive Mum wild with jealousy.

[ DAD ] What?

[ BRIDGET ]
That's how I got my man.

Have you got a boyfriend?
A real one?

I have, Father. I have.

And he's perfect.

[ Car horn honking ]

[ Revs engine ]

[ BRIDGET ] Hurrah.
Am no longer tragic spinster...

but proper girlfriend of
bonafide a sex god...

so committed that he's taking me...

on a full-blown mini-break
holiday weekend.

[ DANIEL ] Just promise me
we don't have to sit...

in any little boats and read
poncey poetry to each other.

[ BRIDGET ] He's also protecting
me at Uncle Geoffrey's...

hideous Tarts and Vicars fancy dress party.

This can't be just shagging.

A mini-break means true love.

Suddenly feel like screen goddess...

in manner of Grace Kelly.

Though perhaps ever so slightly
less elegant under pressure.

It's very quiet here, isn't it?
Are we the only guests, or...

We have a wedding this weekend.

I believe there are just
four of you not involved.

Oh. Hmm.

[ NATASHA ] You do the boats,
I'll do the tea.

Oh, Jesus.

- Hello there.
- Hi.

[ MARK ] Well, well.

I take it you're also heading
for the Alconbury's rockery.

Yes, that's right.

I brought Natasha.
Get a bit of work done.

Thought I might make it a not
entirely wasted weekend.

How interesting.

What a gripping life you do lead.

[ DANIEL ]
I'll see you upstairs in a second.

Hmm. Well, the weakness
of their case...

Lies in the deposition
they made on August 30.

[ BRIDGET ] Season of mist...

and...

mellow fruitlessness.

Oh, fuck me, I love Keats.

Have you heard this one?

There was a young woman from Ealing...

"who had a peculiar feeling."

"She lay on her back and
opened her crack..."

"and pissed
all over the ceiling."

[ Bang ] Oh, bollocks.

[ BRIDGET ] What have you done?

- I'm boarding you, Bridge.
- Don't you dare!

- I'm king of the world!
- No!

Fuck me. Uhh!

[ BRIDGET ] Aah!

[ Bridget laughs ]

[ DANIEL ] Oh, piss and bollocks.

You stupid ass.

[ Laughing ]

Bollocks.

All right.

Aah! No!

So childish.

[ BRIDGET ] Aah! No!

Yes.

[ DANIEL ] Hey, Darce, come on in!

The water's lovely!

Come on, you're working too hard, mate.

Ha ha!

- Daniel.
- Yes, Bridget?

That thing you just did
is actually illegal...

in several countries.

Well, that is, of course,
the major reason...

I'm so thrilled to be
living in Britain today.

Yes. I can't understand...

why the Prime Minister
doesn't mention it more...

in his speeches.

You should write to him about it.

[ BRIDGET ] I intend to.

Daniel.

[ DANIEL ] Bridget.

- Do you love me?
- Shut up, or I'll do it again.

Do you love me?

Right. You asked for it.

[ DANIEL ] And over we go.

I'm going to give you something to bite on.

Here.

OK? Pop this in your mouth,
darling.

[ Bridget laughs ]

You're begging for it.

[ Bridget laughs ]

[ BRIDGET ] Stop it.

[ Laughs ]

No, no.

Hmm.

I got to go back to town.
A meeting's come up.

On a Sunday?

[ DANIEL ] No. The meeting's
first thing tomorrow.

I've got to work on some figures.

We could just pop into
the party for a minute.

[ DANIEL ] Bridget,
I'm really sorry.

I just can't do it.
I've got to head back.

Listen, Daniel...

if you've changed your mind,
you could just say so...

because, honestly, I don't see
what could be so important.

No, well, you wouldn't, would you?

Because you don't have the
faintest bloody idea...

of just how much trouble the company's in.

You swan in in your short skirt...

and your sexy
see-through blouse...

and fanny around with press releases.

You know, this is the
Americans flying in...

because they're thinking
of shutting us down...

for fuck's sake.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, Bridge.
I know I'm being a prat.

Look, I'm going to arrange a lovely car...

to come and pick you up
and take you back...

to London after the party, OK?

If you have to travel
alone, travel in style.

Hmm.

And, um...

I also think it's very important...

that you win this costume competition.

Good.

Good start.

Now, then, Miss Jones, where does this go?

[ BRIDGET ] Oh, well, here we go.

Trying hard to fight off a vision...

of Mum and Auntie Una in fishnet tights.

Seems unnatural, wrong even,
for 60-year-olds to dress up...

as prostitutes and priests
on a Sunday afternoon.

[ People chattering ]

[ Laughter ]

[ JULIE LONDON SINGING ]
Fly me to the moon.

[ BRIDGET ] Oh, holy Jesus.

Bridget.

Where are all the other Tarts and Vicars?

[ UNA ] Oh, dear.
Didn't Geoffrey call you?

Didn't you telephone Colin and Bridget?

How's my little Bridget?

[ GEOFFREY ] Bop, bop.

Oh.

Geoffrey.

So, where's this chap of yours, then, eh?

Ah, yes, well, he had to work, so...

Ha! A likely tale.

Off they run. Whee!

[ Laughs weakly ]

[ JULIE LONDON SINGING ]
You are all I long for.

Bizarre what some men find attractive.

Oh, God.

[ MUM ] Darling! Geoffrey!

What on earth are you wearing?

You look like a common prostitute.

Yes, well, that was, actually, the point.

Say hi to Julian.

Hello, Julian.

My dear...

you and your mother could be sisters.

[ JULIAN ]
And what a lovely bracelet.

It's what I call
an all-a rounder...

The sort of thing one can wear
with anything to any occasion.

Oh.

Have you spoken to my dad?

Yes. He's behaving
most bizarrely.

I think he was actually trying to flirt...

with Penny Husbands-Bosworth,
poor thing.

She was very frightened.

She's only just had her ovaries done.

I don't know what you ever saw in him.

Shh. Bad man. [ Both laugh ]

[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Footsteps ]

Heh heh.

Didn't tell you, either.

[ Laughs ]

No. I didn't spend as much
as Bernard, thank God.

[ BRIDGET ] Oh.

I'm sorry, Dad.

The way she looked at me.

Well, she loves you, really.

You love each other.

This is only a temporary glitch.

Is it?

I don't know.

[ DAD ] I don't know.

[ UNA ] Ah, Bridget, there you are.

Don't worry.
You're not the only one.

This is Penny. Geoffrey didn't
get in touch with her, either.

I'm sorry?

I was just saying Geoffrey
didn't contact you, either...

to tell you that the Tarts
and Vicars concept...

had gone out of the window.

Oh, yes, he did.

Oh, right.

Lovely dress.

Very exotic.

What a shame you couldn't bring
your boyfriend, Bridget.

What's his name? David? Darren?

[ MARK ] Daniel Cleaver.

Oh. Is he a friend
of yours, Mark?

Absolutely not.

I hope he's good enough
for our little Bridget.

I think I can say with total
confidence absolutely not.

Well, I'm sure he'd say
the same about you...

given your past behaviour.

Sorry?

I think you know what I mean.

Mark.

[ BRIDGET ] Hmm.
Looks like Auntie Shirley...

didn't get the message, either.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hi.

I really, really wanted
to see a friendly face.

Oh, now, listen, I'll tell you what.

I have an idea.
Let me finish this...

while you go home, have a long hot bath...

and I'll call round, and
we'll have dinner later, OK?

[ Door closes ]

Is there someone here?

Not that I'm aware of.

Unless that Bosnian family
has moved in again.

Bastards.

[ Laughs ] Oh.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I'm going mad.

Listen, I am feeling really bad, actually.

- I should have been there today.
- No, I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm sorry...

but at least I got a hell
of a lot of work done.

Just give me one more hour, OK?

Fine. That's fine.

I will go home and de-bunny.

Oh...

and you know last night when
I said that I loved you?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't mean it.

I was being ironic.

Oh, God, yeah, I know, I know.

All right.

- Thank you, madam.
- Mmm.

[ Drops bag ]

Bridge.

Bridget.

This is Lara from the New York office.

Lara, this is Bridget.

Hey, there.

[ LARA ]
I thought you said she was thin.

[ ALEX ] I was hoping that you
would want to be a part of it.

[ Bridget sniffles ]

[ DAN ] This is totally insane.

I'm 36 years old. It may be
my last chance to have a child.

Alex.

Aah!

[ NARRATOR ] The male penetrates
the female and leaves.

Coitus is brief and perfunctory...

and the female...

[ Continues indistinctly ]

That's wonderful.

[ DANIEL ]
Well, I don't think it's bad.

[ DANIEL ] Right.

[ BRIDGET ] We've had
very good response...

to the Teddy Knows Best teaser campaign

and had various
local radio bits for...

Look, Bridge, stop that.

[ DANIEL ] I feel... terrible.

The thing is...

with Lara and me...

well, you know...

No. You'll have to fill me in.

Well, the truth is...

the truth is, we're the
same, Bridge, you and me.

You know? We're two people
of a certain age...

looking for the moment to commit
and finding it really hard.

And I just think that in the end...

it's got to be something extraordinary...

something which makes
us go that extra mile.

And I think...

Lara and...

I don't know, being American and all...

it has something to do with
confidence and being so...

well, young, you know?

Well, we've... become very close.

Well, you've only just met her.
She flew in yesterday.

Uh...

Oh.

Silly Bridget.

You haven't only just met her.

[ DANIEL ] No.

No. I got to know her
pretty well...

when we were in the New
York office together.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

There's no easy way to say this, but, um...

I wanted you to be the
first to know that...

we're engaged.

[ BRIDGET ] At times like this...

continuing with one's
life seems impossible...

and eating the entire
contents of one's fridge...

seems inevitable.

I have two choices...

To give up and accept permanent
state of spinster hood...

and eventual eating by dogs...
or not.

[ Sighs ]

And this time, I choose not.

I will not be defeated...

by a bad man and an American stick insect.

Instead, I choose vodka...

and ChakaKhan.

[ Disco music playing ]

[ CHAKAKHAN ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
I'm every woman.

It's all in me.

Anything you want done, baby

I'll do it naturally.

Mmm

I'm every woman.

It's all in me

I can be the most right now.

Every girl from A to Z.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Ahh.

Ohh!

[ CHAKAKAHN ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
I can cast a spell.

Fuck.

[ CHAKAKAHN ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
Of secrets you can't tell.

Mix a special groove.

Put fire inside of you.

Any time you feel danger...

Why do you want to be in television?

Well, I've realized that I've
become deeply committed...

to communicating to the public...

the up-to-the-moment
and in-depth news...

both political and ecological.

What do you think of the El Nio phenomenon?

[ BRIDGET ] Um... it's ab lip.

I think, basically, Latin
music is on its way out.

So, why do you want to work in television?

Because I'm passionately committed...

to communicating with children.

They are the future.

Do you have any children of your own?

Oh, Christ, no. Yuck!

[ Laughs ]

[ BRIDGET ] Ah.

Sorry.

[ MAN ] So, why do you want
to work in television?

I've got to leave my current job
because I've shagged my boss.

Fair enough. Start on Monday.

We'll see how we go.

Oh, and...

incidentally...

at "Sit Up, Britain"...

no one ever gets sacked
for shagging the boss.

That's a matter of principle.

Oh, Bridget.

Come on, it's...

I mean, I know it's been awkward as ass...

but there's no need to leave.

No, actually, there is.

I've been offered a job in television.

Television?

Mmm. And they want me
to start straight away.

So I've got to leave in
about, ooh, three minutes...

so, um...

Whoa. Just hold it
right there, Miss Jones.

I'm sorry to inform you...

but I think you'll find that by contract...

you're expected to give at
least six weeks notice.

[ BRIDGET ] Ah, yes, well...

I thought with the company being
in so much trouble and all...

you wouldn't really miss...

the person who waltzes in
in a see-through top...

and fannies about with the press releases.

Bridget.

I want to hear this, because
if she gives one inch...

I'm going to fire her bony
little bottom anyway...

for being totally spineless.

What?

Well, I just think you
should know that, um...

there are lots of prospects
here for a talented person.

Just give me a minute,
will you, Simon? Thanks.

Right-o, boss man.

Lots of prospects for a person who...

you know, perhaps for personal reasons...

has been slightly
overlooked professionally.

Thank you, Daniel.
That is very good to know...

but if staying here...

means working within 10 yards of you...

frankly, I'd rather have a job
wiping Saddam Hussein's ass.

[ ARETHA FRANKLIN ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Find out what it means to me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Takin' care of T.C.B.

Sock it to me, sock it to me.

Sock it to me, sock it to me.

Well, bye, everyone.

[ Singing ] Just a little bit.

Just a little bit

I get tired.

But keep on tryin'

You're runnin' out of fools.

[ Song stops ]

Oh, just sod off.

[ HOST ] Hello and welcome
to "Sit Up, Britain."

OK, everybody, it is bonfire night...

and we are on fire.

[ RICHARD ] We have live
fire station feeds...

from Newcastle, Swansea,
Sheffield, and Lewisham...

just poised for tragedy.

Bridget Jones, where are you?

I'm here, Richard.

Put on some more makeup.
I want you on-camera.

But...

[ RICHARD ]
I'm thinking... mini skirt.

I'm thinking fireman's helmet.

I want you pointing a hose.

I want you sliding down the pole...

and then go straight into the interview.

Great.

I'll do it.

No problem. Fine. Right.

So, you drop into shot...

and then interview Chief Fireman Bevan.

Yep, yep, yep.

Go, go. Go, go. Go!

Go?

[ NEVILLE ] Oh, no.
We're going to Newcastle first.

Stop!

Climb back up.

On you in thirty seconds.

OK.

[ Grunts ]

[ RICHARD ] Neville, what
the fuck is going on?

She's supposed to be
sliding down the pole...

- not climbing up it.
- Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, OK.

- Oh!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

Uhh! Uhh!

OK, we're out of time.
We're out of time.

[ RICHARD ] Just wind 'erupt.

Well, that seems to be about
all we've got time for...

down here in Lewisham.

Uh, Chief Officer Bevan,
thank you very much.

Excellent fire station.

[ BRIDGET ] Uh, and now...

back to the studio.

[ BRIDGET ] Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

[ BRIDGET ] Excellent.
Am national laughing stock.

Have bottom the size of Brazil.

Am daughter of broken home...

and rubbish at everything and...

oh, God.

I'm having dinner with Magda and Jeremy.

The only thing worse
than as mug married couple...

Lots of smug married couples.

Right, everyone.
This is Bridget.

Bridge, this is Hugo and Jane.

[ MAGDA ] And, obviously,
you know, of course...

Cosmo and Woney.

- Hi, Bridge.
- Hi, Bridge.

[ MAGDA ] This is
Alistair and Henrietta...

Julia and Michael...

Joanne and Paul...

and Jeremy's partners from chambers.

This is Natasha Glenville and Mark Darcy.

Hi, there.

Hello.

Not in your bunny girl outfit today?

[ BRIDGET ] No.

We bunnies only wear our tails
on very special occasions.

- Sit yourself down.
- Right.

Hey, Bridge, how's your love life?

Oh...

[ COSMO ] Still going out
with that publishing chap pie?

Uh, no, no.

Terribly brill.

[ COSMO ] Never dip your nib
in the office ink.

Right.

[ COSMO ] You really
ought to hurry up...

and get sprugged up, you know, old girl?

Time's a-running out. Tick-tock.

Yes, yes.

Uh, tell me, is it one in four marriages...

that ends in divorce now or one in three?

One in three.

[ COSMO ] Seriously, though.

Offices full of single girls
in their thirties...

Fine physical specimens...

but they just can't seem
to hold down a chap.

[ WONEY ] Yes. Why is it...

there are so many unmarried
women in their thirties...

these days, Bridget?

[ Mark sets down silverware ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, I don't know.

Suppose it doesn't help that
underneath our clothes...

our entire bodies are covered in scales.

[ Faint laughter ]

[ MARK ] I very much enjoyed...

your Lewis ham fire report, by the way.

Thank you.

I just...

yeah, well.

So.

It didn't work out with Daniel Cleaver?

No, it didn't.

I'm delighted to hear it.

Look, are you and Cosmo in this together?

I mean, you seem to go out of your way...

to try to make me feel
like a complete idiot...

every time I see you, and
you really needn't bother.

I already feel like an idiot
most of the time anyway...

With or without a fireman's pole.

[ Doorbell buzzes ]

[ BRIDGET ] That'll be my taxi.

Good night.

Look, um...

I'm sorry if I've been...

What?

I don't think you're an idiot at all.

I mean, there are elements
of the ridiculous about you.

Your mother's pretty interesting.

And you really are...

an appallingly bad public speaker.

And you tend to let
whatever's in your head...

come out of your mouth...

without much consideration
of the consequences.

I realize that when I met you
at the turkey curry buffet...

that I was unforgivably rude
and wearing a reindeer jumper...

that my mother had given me the day before.

But the thing is, um...

what I'm trying to say
very inarticulately is...

that, um...

infact...

perhaps, despite appearances...

I like you very much.

Ah. Apart from the smoking
and the drinking...

and the vulgar mother and
the verbal diarrhea.

No. I like you very much...
Just as you are.

Mark, we really are making
progress on the case in here.

[ NATASHA ] Jeremy's had
the most brilliant idea.

[ Snaps fingers ] [ MARK ] Right.

Right.

I must go, because...

well...

bye.

[ VAN MORRISION ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
Someone exactly like you

I've been travelin' all around the world.

Just as you are?

Not thinner? Not cleverer?

Not with slightly bigger breasts
and a slightly smaller nose?

[ VAN MORRISON SINGING ]
Someone like you.

[ BRIDGET ] Mm-mmm.

[ VAN MORRISON SINGING ]
To make it all worth while.

Well...

fuck me.

[ VAN MORRISON SINGING ]
Keep me satisfied.

Someone exactly like you.

But this is someone you hate, right?

Mmm. Mmm.

Yes, yes. I hate him.

[ Laughs ]

[ Barking ]

[ VAN MORRISION ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
I've been travelling a hard road.

[ BRIDGET ] November 9.
Weight... 138 pounds.

Cigarettes... three.

Birthday... thirty-three.

OK, Bridget, see if you can
get it right this time.

The verdict in the Aghani-Heaney
case is expected today.

Get yourself down to the high court.

I want a hard headed interview.

You do know
the Aghani-Heaney case?

Yes, of course.

Big case...

featuring someone called Aghanihini.

Or two people called Kafir
Aghani and Eleanor Heaney.

That's the one.

She's a British aid worker.
He's a Kurdish freedom fighter.

The government want to
extradite him home...

where he'll certainly be executed.

She's married to him...

and they fought for five
years to keep him here.

Today is the decision.

Oh, that's exciting.

Yes, it is...
so what are you waiting for?

[ BRIDGET ] Am suddenly
hard-headed journalist...

ruthlessly committed to
promoting justice and liberty.

Nothing can distract me
from my dedication...

to the pursuit of truth.

Well, almost nothing.

Right. I'll just pop
to the shop for some ciggies.

[ BRIDGET ] 14 p for the Polos
and packet of Wheat Crunchies.

[ MARK ] Packet of Embassy, please.

I'm sorry. I'm not quite fin...

Good afternoon.

Hi.

You like me just the way I am.

Sorry?

Nothing.

Bridget, we've fucked up utterly.

Eleanor Heaney and Kafir
Aghani have come and gone.

Oh, God. I'll be sacked.

Did the others get interviews?

I don't know.
I was having a slash.

Actually, nobody got interviews.

How do you know?

Because I was defending him...

and I told him not to give any interviews.

Look...

[ MARK ] I have a plan.

And action.

Mr. Darcy,
you were defending Mr. Aghani.

You must be delighted.

Yes, well, Kafir Aghani has
spent his entire life...

defending the basic human rights...

of his own people, and today's verdict...

has been the result of
five years of struggle...

by this woman, Eleanor Heaney...

to save the man she loves
from an extradition order...

that would've been tant
amount to a death sentence.

Right.

[ BRIDGET ]
And, Eleanor, over to you.

Did you fancy Kafir the first
time that you saw him?

[ Laughs ]

This has been Bridget Jones
for "Sit Up, Britain"...

with, let's face it, a bit
of a crush now, actually.

Good afternoon.

Bridget Jones...
Already a legend.

[ ARTFUL DODGER ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
I feel fantastic, bombastic.

Ecstatically astounded.

Got a girl who can really use her brain

I feel surrounded, confounded.

Emotionally dumbfounded.

[ BRIDGET ] Oh, joy.
I am broadcasting genius.

Celebrating by cooking birthday
feast for close friends.

Have sneaking suspicion...

am also something of a genius
in the kitchen as well.

Tie flavour-enhancing leek
and celery together with string.

Right.

String.

String, string, string.

Perfect.

[ ARTFUL DODGER ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
I don't think so.

Finely slice oranges and grate zest.

[ ARTFUL DODGER ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
Why don't you leave it there?

I feel fantastic, bombastic, ecstatic...

Aah! Oh, bugger!

Oh, bugger, bugger!

ARTFUL DODGER ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
I feel surrounded, confounded.

Emotionally dumbfounded.

Where the fuck is the fucking tuna?

Oh, this is Bridget Jones
for "Sit Up, Britain"...

searching for tuna.

[ Telephone rings ]

Bridget Jones.

Hello, darling.

Hi, Mum.

I just wanted a bit of a chat.

Ouch!
Careful, you ham-fisted cunt!

The thing is, darling, I'm...

Between you and me, I'm
not entirely sure...

that Julian isn't a bit of a shit.

[ BRIDGET ] Yes, well,
you know, Mum...

I haven't really got time right now.

Oh, l...

I can't deny the sex is
still very surprising.

You know, the other night,
quite unexpectedly...

I was just dozing off,
and I felt this huge...

Bye, Mum.

[ Hangs up ]

Ecch.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh.

Who can be calling now?

Oh.

The door was open.

[ MARK ] I came to congratulate...

the new face of British current affairs.

[ BRIDGET ] Huh.

But I see I may have come at a bad time.

How's it look?

Great. It's, um... blue.

[ Gasps ] Blue?

[ MARK ] No, but blue is good.

If you ask me, there
isn't enough blue food.

Oh, shit.
It must've been the string.

Oh, it's string soup?

[ Laughs ]

Oh, God. They're going
to be here any minute.

Well, don't worry. I'm sure
they've come to see you...

and not orange parfait in sugar cages.

Have a drink.

Yes.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

Did I really run round your lawn naked?

Oh, yes.

You were four, and I was eight.

Well, that's a pretty big age difference.

It's quite pervy, really.

Yes, I like to think so.

[ BRIDGET ] What are we going
to do about this dinner, then?

We can have blue soup to start,
orange pudding to end, and...

well, for main course, we have...

uh, congealed green gunge.

- That is caper berry gravy.
- Oh, yes. Yeah.

- Do you have eggs?
- Yes.

Right.

- Omelet it is, then.
- Ah.

With caper berry gravy.

You wouldn't by any chance
have any beet root cubes?

A mini-gherkin, stuffed olive?

No, Pam, and besides, I'm busy.

The gravy needs sieving.

Surely not. Just stir it, Una.

[ Doorbell buzzes ]

[ SHELBY LYNNE ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
In the dark

I can hear.

[ Bridget opens door ]

[ SHAZZER ] Happy, happy birthday!

Hey, TV queen.

Hey, Bridge, you looked fantastic.

Hello.

Hello.

[ TOM ] Are you joining us?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

[ SHELBY LYNNE ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
What did you say?

It's OK.

[ Laughs ]

[ SHELBY LYNNE ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪ Mmm, mmm.

Did you miss me?

Excellent.

Mmm. Yeah.

Delicious.

[ TOM ] Really special.

It's really... really very good.

[ SHAZZER ] Really. It's very nice.

[ Laughter ]

[ SHAZZER ] Say...

Mmm.

Mark, why did your wife leave you?

Mmm. Eat up.

Eat up.
Two more lovely courses to go.

[ SHELBY LYNNE ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
Make it mine.

They can talk.

Mmm, delicious.

[ Laughter ]

I have to say, this really
is the most incredible shit.

[ Laughter ]

This is the worst of the three.

It does actually remind me of something.

It tastes like...

Marmalade.

[ TOM ] Well done, Bridge.

Four hours of careful cooking
and a feast of blue soup...

omelet, and marmalade.

Thank you.

I think that deserves a toast, don't you?

To Bridget...

who cannot cook, but who we love...

just as she is.

[ ALL ] To Bridget...

just as she is.

[ SHELBY LYNNE ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
Did you miss me?

Did you miss me?

[ Doorbell buzzes ]

I'll go.

[ Door opens ]

Who?

Ah. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm obviously interrupting a...

Darcy.

What brings you here?

Oh, right. Yeah.

I should have guessed, shouldn't I?

Hi. I'm Tom. It's really good
to meet you at last.

Yeah, listen, I just came to, uh...

[ DANIEL ] I thought
you might be on your own.

Huh. What an idiot.

Excuse me.

I've been going crazy.

I can't stop thinking about you...

and thinking what a
fucking idiot I've been.

Christ, is that blue soup?

Yes.

That Sunday in the country...

Come outside.

[ Distant siren ]

It was all just going so fast...

The hotel and that weekend,
meeting your parents.

I just panicked.

You know me. I'm...

I'm a terrible disaster...

with a posh voice and a bad character.

You're the only one who
can save me, Bridge.

I need you. Without you,
twenty years from now...

I'll be in some seedy bar
with some seedy blonde.

Well, what about Lara?

Oh, over, over.
Totally fucking finito.

Dumped me.

She realized that I hadn't got over you.

[ DANIEL ]
I know you're thinking...

it's just a sex thing, but I promise you...

whenever I see that skimpy
little skirt on TV...

I just close my eyes and listen...

to all the intelligent things you've said.

I was thrilled that little
Kurdish bloke was set free.

Bridge...

I missed you a lot.

Oh, God.

I'm going now. Bye.

Mark, stay. We...

No, I don't think I will.

[ DANIEL ] Well, listen,
don't leave on my behalf.

I think it's time you and I
put this past behind us.

[ DANIEL ] At least stay
for a birthday drink...

with me and Bridge, huh?

Good-bye, Bridget.

[ BRIDGET ] Mark.

Why are you here?

Bridge...

I just told you why I'm here.

Why was Mark "Wanker" Darcy here?

Oh, bloody hell.
Wait a minute. He's back.

All right, Cleaver, outside.

I'm sorry?

[ DANIEL ] Outside?

Uh, should I bring my duelling
pistols or my sword?

All right. Hang on.

I should have done this years ago.

Done what?

This.

Ooh! Fuck!

Fuck me, that hurt!

Ahh!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

- This.
- Aah!

Aah! Oh, Christ, not again.

Uhh!

[ Music playing ]

Fight!

[ MAN ] What?

Well, quick!

It's a real fight!

[ MAN ] It's a fight!

[ DANIEL ] All right,
all right, all right.

I give up. I give up.

Just give me a moment,
all right? Just...

Let me get a moment's break here, OK?

[ Crowd yells ]

Cheat!

[ TOM ] Cheat! Cheat!

♪ ["It's Raining Men" playing ] ♪

I should have knew it!

[ Speaking native language ]

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Whose side are we on?

Mark's, obviously.

He's never dumped Bridget
for some naked American.

And he said he liked her
just the way she is.

Yeah, but he also shagged
Daniel's fiancee...

and left him broken hearted.

Good point.
It's a very hard one to call.

[ GERRI HALLIWELL ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
It's raining men.

Hallelujah, it's raining men.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[ TOM ] Oh, yes!

Mark!

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, all right?

Ohh! Ohh!

Aah!

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I really am sorry.

I... I will pay.

Had enough, Darcy?

Not quite, if that's all right by you.

[ DANIEL ] Oh!
You broke my bloody jaw!

Happy birthday to you.

ALL ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday,
dear what's-his-name.

Happy birthday to you.

It's raining men.

Hallelujah, it's raining men.

- Uh...
- Ohh...

- Uhh.
- Uhh.

Jesus.

Uhh.

All right.

- All right?
- Enough.

Enough.

Enough.

Wanker.

[ All gasp ]

What is your problem?

- My problem?
- Yes.

You give the impression of
being all moral and noble...

and normal...

and helpful in the kitchen...

but you're just as bad as the rest of them.

Well, I can see that I've been labouring...

under a misapprehension.

A very, very foolish mistake.
Forgive me.

[ DANIEL ] Uhh.

Let's go back upstairs.

Come on.

We belong together, Jones.

Me, you.

Poor little skirt.

Right.

If I can't make it with you...

I can't make it with anyone.

Um...

That's not a good enough offer for me.

I'm not willing to gamble my whole life...

on someone who's...

well, not quite sure.

It's like you said.

I'm still looking for something...

more extraordinary than that.

[ Singing ] Ding dong, merrily on high.

[ BRIDGET ] December 25.

Weight... 140 pounds...

Plus forty-two mince pies.

Alcohol units...

Oh, thousands.

Bugger off!

Come on, kids.

[ JULIAN ]
This baroque carriage clock...

is a particular festive
favourite of mine...

incorporating the Hallelujah Chorus...

from Handel's "Messiah"...

every hour on the hour.

I don't understand it.

The man's actually turned red now.

Merry Christmas, Pamela.

[ Turns off TV ]

Well...

I'm going to Bedfordshire.

Night, night.

Night, night.

[ Door closes ]

[ Clock chimes ]

The thing is...

well, close up, he was almost purple.

You were such a lovely normal colour.

He had a filthy temper.

And, well, the jewellery is fabulous...

and really very reasonably priced and...

I thought I might ask if...

we could have another go.

I mean, obviously, with
some effort on your part...

to pay a bit more attention to me.

I do realize what I'm like sometimes.

It doesn't help that you and Bridget...

have your lovely grown-up club of two...

and always saying...

"What's silly old Mummy
gone and done this time?"

You used to be mad about me.

You couldn't get enough of me.

What do you think?

[ Breathes deeply ]

I don't know, Pam.

I just don't know now.

It's been very hard.

[ Sobs ] Oh, Colin.

[ Sobs ]

I'm joking, you daft cow.

Oh!

[ Both laugh ]

Pam, I just don't work without you.

[ Both laugh ]

Awful. [ Laughs ]

[ Pam laughs ]

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Get back up those stairs, young lady.

Get dressed.

[ BRIDGET ] What for?

The Darcys' ruby wedding party.

What for, indeed.

Mark will be there...
Still divorced.

He's also still deranged.
I'm not going.

Poor Mark. It's always
a bad time of year for him.

You know, his Japanese wife
left him on Christmas Day.

Cruel race.

[ BRIDGET ]
Yes, but I'm not quite sure...

he didn't deserve it, actually.

She ran off with his best
friend from Cambridge.

Total scoundrel, apparently.

Best man at his wedding.

[ PAM ] Christmas Eve, Mark
comes home early from work...

finds the pair of them
in a most unorthodox position...

Stark naked, a tit like rabbits.

Just give me five minutes.

♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
Ain't no mountain high enough.

[ DIANA ROSS ] Oh, ho.

Ain't no valley low enough.

Whoo.

Ain't no river wide enough.

Stop. Stop the car.
Stop the car.

Dad, get out. Too slow!

Ain't no valley low enough.

Say it again.

Ain't no river wide enough.

Hey, to keep me from you.

Dad, get in.

- Hurry.
- What's your hurry?

Not too fast.

Keep me from you.

A bit snowy, isn't it?

Ain't no mountain high enough.

Oh, ho.

Ain't no valley low enough.

Whoo.

Ain't no river wide enough.

To keep me from you.

Ain't no mountain high enough.

Ow, ain't no valley low enough.

Say it again.

Ain't no river wide enough.

Hey, to keep me from you.

Sorry. One moment.

Thank you for inviting me.

I didn't.
It must've been my parents.

So...

So.

Hello, Bridget.

Didn't know you were coming.

[ NATASHA ] Mark, your father
wants to begin A.S.A.P.

Oh, does he? Right.

Well, uh...

Come on, Mark.
Be helpful, please.

The caterers have totally screwed up.

Does nothing work outside of London?

Hmm? Apparently not.

Well, I'd better...

Listen, uh...

I owe you an apology about Daniel.

He said that you ran off
with his fiancee...

and left him broken hearted, he said.

Ah.

No, it was the other way around.

It was my wife...

my heart.

Sorry.

That's why you always acted
so strangely around him...

and beat him to a pulp, quite rightly.

Well done.

Well, um...

[ BRIDGET ] Can we just, um...

pop out there...

for a moment?

[ MAN ] Quite delightful,
isn't it, my dear?

[ BRIDGET ] OK.

[ BRIDGET ] I just have something
that I want to say.

Um...

You once said that you
liked me just as I am...

and I just wanted to say...
like wise.

I mean...

there are stupid things your mum buys you.

Tonight's another classic.

You're haughty, and you
always say the wrong thing...

in every situation.

And I seriously believe that you should...

rethink the length of your side burns.

But you're a nice man...

and...

I like you.

So if you wanted to pop by sometime...

that might be nice.

More than nice.

Right.

Crikey.

[ Father taps glass with silverware ]

[ FATHER ] Ladies and gentlemen...

could I have your attention
fora moment, please?

Excuse me.

Of course.

Wife and companion Geraldine.

A toast to her,
my... my wonderful wife Geraldine.

[ ALL ] To Geraldine.

And we, in turn...

have been blessed with our son, Mark.

He's always made usproud...

and we couldn't be prouder of him...

than on this particular day...

because I'm thrilled to announce...

he has just been invited
to be a senior partner...

in the firm of Abbott
and Abbott in New York.

[ Light applause ]

[ FATHER ] He also, incidentally...

takes with him his brilliant
partner in law...

Natasha.

And, well, I don't think they'll mind...

since we're amongst friends...

if I say that someday this
remarkably clever girl...

is going to be
something-else-in-law as well.

["Here Comes the Bride" plays ]

I begged him not to say anything.

[ FATHER ] So I ask you now...

to charge your glasses once again...

to Markandhis Natasha.

[ ALL ] To Mark and his Natasha.

[ BRIDGET ] No! No!

It's just that...

it's such a terrible pity...

f-for England...

to lose...

such a great legal brain.

- Is she pissed?
- What?

F-for the people of England...

I like me and you...

to lose one of our top people.

Uh...

just top person, really.

[ WOMAN ] Ahem.

Well... better dash.

[ BRIDGET ] I've got
another party to go to.

It's single people.

Mainly... poofs.

Bye.

[ Crowd murmurs ]

[ GABRIELLE SINGING ]
Knew the sight.

Wasn't right

I was stupid.

For a while.

Swept away.

By you.

And now I feel.

Like a fool.

So confused.

My heart's bruised.

Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach.

So far

I never had your heart.

Out of reach.

Couldn't see.

We were never meant to be.

Catch myself.

From the spell

I could drown if I stay here.

Keepin' busy.

Every day.

[ Doorbell buzzes ]

I know I will be OK.

Yes?

[ ALL ] Hi, it's us!

Oh.

Great. Come on up.

Have we got the most
fantastic surprise for you.

Oh, no.
You're not going to sing.

Not that fantastic, sadly,
no, but still pretty good.

We've decided we're taking you
to Paris for the weekend.

Forget everything... particularly,
forget about Mark Darcy.

I can't believe you said
what you said you said.

I know.

There goes my invite to
the Darcys' next year.

If he didn't leap over
the family heirlooms...

and whip you up in his arms, then sod him.

Yes. He's clearly
the most dreadful cold fish.

Exactly.

I mean, there's been all
these bloody hints...

and stuff, but has he ever actually...

stuck his fucking tongue
down your fucking throat?

No. Not once.

I think we should pack, shouldn't we?

Passport, Bridget. And pants.

Yep, pants.

Hurry up, Bridge!

We're freezing our bollocks off out here!

Yeah. Just the keys.

I'm stuck! Oh!

Come the fuck on, Bridget.

[ JUDE ] Close the door.

[ MARK ] Bridget?

[ TOM ] Stop being so bossy.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to know if
you were available...

for barmitzvahs and christenings...

as well as ruby weddings.

Excellent speech.

I thought that you were in America.

Well, yes, I was, but, um...

I realized I'd forgotten
something back home.

Which was?

Well, I realized I'd forgotten to, um...

kiss you good-bye. Do you mind?

Um...

not really, no.

So...

you're not going to America, then?

- No.
- No.

- Not.
- Oh, oh.

You're staying here?

So it would seem.

[ ALL ] Aah!

[ Yelling, honking car horn ]

[ SHAZZER ] Go, Bridget!

Friends of yours?

[ Laughs ]

No. I've never seen them
before in my life.

[ SHAZZER ] Look, are you coming
to fucking Paris or not?

Not.

- No fucking room anyway.
- No.

Maybe we should just go
upstairs for a minute.

Yes. Very good idea.

[ JUDE ] No. Come on, let's go. No.

Of course she's not coming.

[ TOM ] Close it down.

Uh...

give me just a minute.

Um... keep yourself busy.
Read something.

Lots of very
high-quality magazines...

with helpful fashion and romance tips.

I'll be right with you.

[ Door closes ]

Definitely an occasion for
genuinely tiny knickers.

Right.

Right.

[ Door closes ]

Mark?

Mark?

Mark!

Mark!

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Double shit.

[ BRIDGET ] Bollocks!

Oh, God.

[ BRIDGET ] Ooh! Wish me luck!

Good luck, crazy girl!

Ain't no mountain high enough.

- Oh, ho.
- Ain't no valley low enough.

- Ooh.
- Ain't no river wide enough.

Oh - To keep me from you.

Ain't no mountain high enough.

Ow, ain't no valley low enough.

Say it again, ain't no river wide enough.

Hey, to keep me from you.

Ain't no mountain high enough.

Nothing can keep me

Mark?

Keep me from you

Mark!

Oh, damn.

Ain't no mountain high enough.

No, ain't no valley low enough

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I mean, I meant it...

but I was so stupid that I
didn't mean what I meant.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

It's only a diary.

Everyone knows diaries
are just full of crap.

I know that.

I was just buying you a new one.

Time to make a new start, perhaps.

[ VAN MORRISON SINGING ]
I've been searchin' a long time.

[ Laughs ]

For someone exactly like you

I've been travelling all around the world.

Waitin' for you.

To come through.

Someone like you.

Will make it all worth while.

Wait a minute.

Nice boys don't kiss like that.

Oh, yes, they fucking do.

[ VAN MORRISON SINGING ]
Keep me satisfied.

Someone exactly like you.

Someone exactly like you.

Someone exactly like you.

The best is yet to come.

The best is yet to come.

[ New song begins ]

[ ROBBIE WILLIAMS ] ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
Have you met Miss Jones?

Someone said as we shook hands.

She was just Miss Jones.

To me.

And now I've met Miss Jones.

And we'll keep on meeting.

Till we're done.

Miss Jones and I.

Whoa, fellas.

And all at once

I lost my breath.

And all at once.

Was scared to death.

And all at once

I owned the earth.

And sky.

Now I've met Miss Jones.

And we'll keep on meeting.

Till we're done.

Miss Jones and I.

Miss Jones and I.

Miss Jones and I.

How!

SHELBY LYNNE ♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

It was so careless of me.

I guess I've gone and done it.

It's just a matter of time.

Nothing I can do.

But tell you I'm sorry.

And that's the hardest part of all.

'Cause your love's the killin' kind.

Your love's the killin' kind.

Yeah

I'd rather walk on glass.

Than see tear drops in your eyes.

And I'd fall to pieces.

Just to hold you.

The best thing in my life.

And it's just luck I get to love you.

You're the one thing that's right.

You're the light in my hell's darkness.

'Cause your love's the killin' kind.

Your love's the killin' kind.

Oh, yeah.

I just might cry now.

Lie.

Lay down and die now.

You've done it to me.

You're puttin' me under

I close my eyes at night.

Sittin' under sky

I love you and all is pleasures.

Baby, feels so right.

My arms won't be of any use at all.

If I can't hold you.

'Cause your love's the killin' kind.

Your love's the killin' kind.

[ New song begins ]

[ ROBBIE WILLIAMS ]
Not of this earth.

You've changed places with the sun.

I know that you're the one.

I love what we've become.

Not of this earth.

Not surprised we're unashamed.

She's gonna have to change her name.

Then we'll know they'll be the same.

She's not of this earth.

And I believe we've seen the worst.

If I ever leave this world.

You will have a song to sing.

So you know what you're worth