You and me, Saturday night.
I am taking you out.
Are you sure?
Yep, absolutely.
You don't have plans
with the wife and kid?
Ha-ha.
Fiona's not my wife.
Marcus is not my kid.
Okay, well, you have to admit,
your relationship with them
is pretty odd.
Sometimes odd,
sometimes quite normal.
She accosted my kid, and basically
attacked me the other night.
Okay, well,
that would go in the odd bin.
- You know, Will--
- You and me, Saturday night.
No distractions. Okay?
- Okay.
- No distractions.
Okay.
Oh, man.
My life used to be so simple.
I mean, come on.
Story?
This is Shell Silverstein.
He's an emotional support turtle
I've procured for Marcus
to help him get over
his breakup with Shea.
And before you make
some ridiculous,
immature comment,
I would like to remind you
that this horrific mess
is largely your fault.
Just because I bring Clay along
on a date
does not mean that
that the whole--
Whoa, Nellie.
Darling, why don't you have
a snuggle off Mr. Shell.
I've tuned our ukes.
Now, what do you want to
start with?
We Shall Overcome
or Amazing Grace?
I can't just sit by
and watch this happen.
Marcus, you need to go
back to school,
you need to hold
your head up high,
and you need to show Shea
and the rest of the world
that you're super fine
without her.
Maybe it is time for me
to face society again.
I think we should do five
or six verses of Amazing Grace
and then see where
that leaves us.
I can see why you wanted to
run away.
This is torture
for that guy.
Sync & corrections by Alice
Psss, okay,
I did not anticipate this.
I told you
this was too soon.
If this turns out badly, Will,
I blame you.
- Oh, there we are.
- Hold Shell Silverstein.
Good luck, darling.
Hey, where have you been
the past few days?
You know, just
hanging and chilling.
I've been performing healing
rituals in the love bubble
with my mom, and if I'm to be
totally honest with you,
we burned a lot of your stuff
in effigy.
You're so weird, Marcus.
Hey, so I got our tix
for the dance.
- Cool.
- Hey, Marv.
Hey, buddy.
Listen.
Granted that this love in the air thing
is a bit of a dark wrinkle.
I still think it was a good idea
that you came to school.
Will, my future has become
crystal clear to me now.
Homeschooling.
Enough of this.
New plan, all right?
No longer are we going
into school
just hoping to blend in.
We are gonna go full makeover,
you're gonna go
to that dance,
And you're gonna
get a new girl.
I think you may be
confusing me for you, Will.
You don't know this yet,
Marcus,
but your stock
has gone way up.
You were just dating
the cutest girl in school.
Every girl knows it.
So you are
going to the dance,
you are going to bag
a new babe,
and I am so excited
about it
that I'm gonna come along
with you as your wingman.
Let's go get some tickets.
How did it go?
It went great.
I'm gonna give Marcus
a nice little makeover,
I'm gonna take him
to the dance,
and I'm gonna help him bag
a new babe.
- What?
- Now give me the keys.
- I'm driving home.
- What do you mean? I--no.
You almost got into five accidents.
I was very emotional.
- Exactly, So this is why I should drive.
- No, you're not driving.
- Give me the keys.
- No, I--
you are in no place--
- Give me--
- Just let go.
- I'm gonna bite your finger.
Hey!
So, what's going on here?
Nothing, we're just having
one of our little spats.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Just like an old married couple.
- We're not married.
- Old?
- Get in the car.
- I'm not getting in the car.
Just get in the car.
- And get in the car!
- Let me out.
Five seconds!
What's going on?
She gonna be okay in there?
Just crack a window!
Crack a window.
She's fine.
Well, I can see
you're a little busy...
- No, no.
- At the moment.
So, I'll just see you
on Saturday.
Yeah, I'll s--
Saturday.
Is there a problem?
- There is, isn't there?
- No.
And I'm willing to bet
that it is Marcus
and Fiona related.
No, there's no problem.
Just shh.
It's not a problem at all.
Here's the deal.
I was thinking,
instead of going out to dinner,
what if we went to
the Love Is In The Air dance...
What?
You want to take me
to a middle school dance?
Yeah, well, you know,
you told me you never had
a prom experience,
but instead, just have, like,
an awesome time together.
You can have the prom experience
you never had.
I'm gonna pick you up at 7:00
in a limo at your house,
and we're going, okay?
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Just you and me, right?
It's the gonna be the--
It's gonna be the best
prom experience ever.
Okay.
You bastard.
We barely had enough oxygen
to breathe in there...
- Cracked window right there.
- Shell and I.
Ridiculous statement.
We have decided
that we are going to be
chaperones,
Shell and I, for this dance.
You are not
going to the dance.
Oh yes, I am. Marcus has
to have someone there for him.
Soon as I find out if it
is all right to bring
a license-pending
therapeutic turtle.
Ridiculous.
is she walking towards me?
Is that your baby?
She is so adorable.
- Thank you.
- I am practically
this little miracle's uncle.
Oh, wait, you're Marcus,
right?
You and Shea are, like,
together?
We were, but then
she dumped me for a--
Marcus has moved on
from Shea.
Oh, that's too bad.
Actually, technically,
he's avail
for the dance
on Saturday night, right, bud?
Oh, cool.
Well, you know,
I'm available, too.
You hear that, buddy?
She's available too.
Marcus?
What's going on?
Snap out of it.
Snap out of it.
Excuse us for one sec.
Dude, are you going into
a fugue state?
I don't know.
Part of going into
a fugue state
is not knowing
when you're going into one.
Listen to me.
Open up
your entire nervous system
and just repeat
whatever words
you hear me saying, okay?
Okay.
- I'd be honored...
- I'd be honored...
If you'd go to the Love Is
In The Air dance with me.
If you'd go to the...
the...
I'm sorry.
You are really a nice girl.
But I'd be doing you wrong
by taking you to this dance.
That's way off book.
Way off book.
My heart is already spoken for.
It is owned by
Shea Garcia-Miller,
and I have to go
to this dance alone
to win back my love.
Jerk.
And your baby isn't even
that cute.
Wha--huh?
Well, you smell like poo.
- That's the baby.
- That is the baby.
Okay, where's a changing table
in this place?
Well, you've really bungled
this one, haven't you?
Because of you,
my little boy
has to go to this dance
ostensibly alone.
Okay, I've bungled nothing.
I was about to
get him a date,
and he went fugue on me,
and then he went rogue.
Listen to me,
and listen very carefully.
Tonight I am off duty, okay?
I need to salvage
my relationship with Liz.
So bring Marcus's cloak,
your turtles, your ukes--
whatever it is you need.
Tonight,
you are on Marcus duty.
Thank you very much
and good day.
Oh, my God, Will.
I just looked out
the window.
You got me a limo
to make a grand entrance
leading up to my grand gesture
to win back Shea!
I did not.
Wait, he wants to
win back Shea?
Yeah, in my limo.
Come on!
Oh.
Hey, oh, Marcus.
Hey. Listen, buddy.
There...Hey, hey, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh...How do I explain this?
Hold on, darling. Listen.
You are a wonderful person,
and I'm just not sure
that Shea has the maturity
to appreciate that just yet.
I want to take that chance.
I need to take that chance.
Thank you so much
for doing this for me, Will.
It means the world to me.
Oh!
I've never been in a limo.
There's chocolate-covered
strawberries and champagne.
I knew I was right to take
some of this fabric.
Let's roll.
Liz is gonna kill me.
There she is.
There's my love.
Oh, hang on, look.
It's all--
it's all falling down.
Here, you want to be careful
that that doesn't stick her
if she gets all snuggly
or anything.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Great, so you brought Fiona to
the dance instead of me?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I was just fixing his thing.
I don't really need to hear
anything from you right now.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm--I'm gonna go inside
and chaperone.
Liz, I can explain.
I can explain.
You know, in the beginning,
I sensed that
whatever was going on
between you and Marcus
and Fiona was weird,
but you insisted that it wasn't,
so I trusted you.
Believe me,
it is not what it looks like.
It looks like
you had a choice to make.
Me or Marcus and Fiona.
And once again,
you chose them.
Marcus is devastated.
Your son, Clay, stole Shea.
Oh, my gosh,
they're kids, Will.
They break up,
and then they get back together,
and then they break up again.
It's what they do.
Look, I care about Marcus,
okay?
And I'm not ashamed to say it.
Yeah, well, Will,
I have a son, too.
What's gonna happen
when we get more serious?
Are you going to put Marcus in
front of Clay every time, too?
No, no, of course not.
And what's the deal
with Fiona?
How long are you gonna
have to put up with that?
She's clearly a very needy,
damaged,
borderline psychotic woman.
Whoa, no, no.
She's frustrating and nutty
and, like...
And annoying.
She's very, very annoying.
But she's a good mom,
and she's my friend,
and, listen, like--
I care about you so much,
but just don't say stuff
like that about her.
That's not gonna get us
anywhere.
- Oh, wow.
- Listen to me.
What?
That just pretty much
says it all.
Will, I'm done.
We are done.
I'm a flexible person,
but if I'm gonna go out
with someone,
I cannot be
their last priority.
You're not
my last priority.
Of course I am.
No.
Uh-oh.
Hey, Marcus.
Good evening, Shea.
Might I speak to your date
for a moment?
Okay.
Thank you.
Sir, I'm going to do you
a greater service
than you have done me
by letting you know
that I shall be taking
your woman this evening.
If you'd like to leave now,
I understand.
What?
Good evening, Shea.
More to come.
That kid is so weird.
So weird.
Did you confiscate that
off middle schoolers?
I can't believe they're bringing
hard liquor into a dance.
Everything all right with Liz,
was it?
She seemed a bit miffed.
Oh, did she?
Did she seem a bit miffed?
- Yeah.
- She dumped me.
Oh.
And I liked her, you know?
I liked her a lot, Fiona.
So, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I hope you're bloody well
not trying to blame me.
How--how could I not?
She literally said
you were the reason.
Sorry.
I mean,
I'm a bit upset right now,
and I think you're upset,
so perhaps the best thing
that we could do is
some ujjayi yoga breathing.
Ujjayi?
No-jayi!
No memory hole.
No tempeh.
No herbal tea.
Do you understand something?
I had a great life, Fiona.
I had a wonderful life.
I loved it.
I woke up at noon every day.
My best part of my day
was figuring out
which of the many girls
at my disposal
that I got to bring home
for the night.
And then you come along,
and you just ruin everything.
It's like,
I can't even man a grill
when I want to
man a grill.
I'm building tree houses.
Your insane, penguin-obsessed
ex-husband comes over,
and he's staying in my place
and in my bed--naked.
You take out my crazy
stalker ex-girlfriend to tea,
and then she sues me.
I, like, don't now
have any money.
So just...Here's the deal.
You stay on your side of
the dumbwaiter
from now on, get it?
You have ruined my life.
Did you ever think
for a second
that maybe you ruined my life?
That Marcus and I were
completely happy
before you showed up and started
feeding him red meat and sugar,
things that I have
never condoned nor ever will.
Or do you think I enjoy the fact
that you,
a man who has accomplished
precisely nothing with his life,
is my son's primary
male role model?
You made him think
you cared about him.
You were just looking out
for yourself, Will.
You took your girlfriend's son
on Marcus's date
because it was what was best
for you.
Oh, yeah, okay.
You want to go back
to your shallow life
of sleeping till noon
and your bagels
and shagging girls who are
15 years too young for you--
Yes! Yes.
I want that.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
- I want that back.
- Okay, good!
Have it back.
Stay away from us.
Stay away from Marcus.
Stay away from me.
Stay out of
our love bubble, okay?
No problem.
Excuse me, everybody.
May I have your attention?
My name is Marcus Bowa.
I'm a seventh grader,
and I have something
very important to say.
I don't know about you,
but I'd pretty much give anything
to be holding
that turtle right now.
All my life,
people have told me I'm weird,
but you're the first person
who meant it in a good way.
I realize I'm not like
the typical guy you'd date.
The guy before me has a goatee
and shreds the guitar.
I can neither grow facial hair
nor barely lift a guitar,
but my uke skills are--
they're rapidly improving.
But I digress.
And then there's Clay.
I get it.
You're cool.
You're too cool
for this dance.
But I'm not afraid
to look uncool
if it means I get to
spend time with you, Shea.
And I don't need headphones
because I would never want to
shut out your melodious voice.
I would never want to shut out
anything about you.
Because you're perfect.
People say you don't find
the love of your life at 12,
but I did.
And her name is
Shea Garcia-Miller.
Aw.
Shut up, pasty.
You're embarrassing me.
Aw.
- That was so beautiful.
- Mm-Hmm.
Did you tell him to say that?
Did you write
that speech for him?
That was all Marcus,
swear to God.
I cannot believe him.
I know.
I cannot believe our boy.
You know, I probably
shouldn't have said
some of the things
I said to you before.
I've seen Marcus grow more
since we moved in
next door to you.
And some of that...
Or a lot of that
is due to you.
And it's not just Marcus.
I mean, I've grown.
I never would have had
the courage
to go after Chris or go after
something I wanted.
- You know...
- Mm-Hmm.
Do something
for myself like that.
Yeah.
Well, if I'm being, you know,
honest with you, Fiona,
I--you know, you and Marcus
definitely didn't ruin my life.
- Oh, good.
- Quite the opposite, yeah.
No, I, like--
honestly, I feel like
I used to--
I don't know,
just coast or I--
I was kind of shut down or--
I don't know.
And now I think I just,
you know, feel more...
Like, I--
I don't know.
I just feel more.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I do.
You're a good man, Will.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
what the hell was that?
Gross.
No. No!
- Ugh, yeah.
- That was so gross.
That was definitely the alcohol
there, wasn't it?
Definitely, and we just need to
forget that that happened.
- Please?
- Yeah, it's forgotten.
Okay.
- Although it does bear some analysis.
- No. No, Fiona.
It does, 'cause Freud said in
his introduction to psychology--
please don't do this.
Please don't do this.
This bears nothing.
It bears nothing.
There was a very interesting
case study in 1937.
Henrik and Ludmila--
I'm begging you--
I'm begging you to shut up.
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