American Pie 2 (2001)

- Are you sure you don't wanna go to my room?
- No. Why?

My roommate's already moved out.
We'll be all alone.

- All right.
- The door is locked.

- Okay, Jim, relax. Relax.
- Okay, yeah, sure.

No strings attached, okay?
It's just friendly good-bye sex.

Yeah, right. Right,
right, right, right.

Uh, yeah, but you see,
it's just that, um,

we've never even had
friendly hello sex.

- So do you not wanna do this?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I do. Yeah.
No, I definitely do.

Uh, it's just that,

you see, this is actually
my first time.

Well, not my first.
It's my first time,

uh, since my
first time.

So, technically,
that's my second time.

And I... I don't...
I don't wanna suck at it.

So if I'm not up to par,
performance-wise...

Jim, this isn't exactly
a turn-on.

I mean, girls like a guy
with confidence.

Hey, I'm confident.

Oh, I am... I'm absolutely,
totally confident.

Oh?
Yeah.

- Let's get naked.
- Okay.

Seems like just yesterday my dad picked
me up after my first year at college.

Mmm-hmm.
We popped a couple of beers,

and he said,
"Now, you're a man."

And today I get to say
the same thing to my son.

Honey, your speeches
embarrass him.

So, try and do what the kids
say, and just be cool.

I think I bring new meaning
to the word "cool," honey.

That's his dormitory
up ahead.

Turn over.
Okay.

Ow.

- Can't bring alcohol in the dorms.
- Oh, uh, good.

Thank you, uh, Matt. I'm just
here to surprise my son Jim.

- Now pin my leg up.
- What?

Pin my leg up,
like this.

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

Maybe you can help
me out, you know.

Okay.

Is that the one? No. There!

Oh, yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, okay!

Now I remember.

I didn't do this for you.

Thanks, dude.

- Where's my big guy?
- Oh, my God!

Oh, no.
Hey...

- Jesus!
- Jim, we got here a little early.

- Dad, get out!
- I'll wait in the car.

Go, Dad!
Oh, my... Geez.

- Was that your dad?
- Yeah.

- I'm so sorry.
- For your own edification,

son, I just...
I'm not embarrassed.

I am!

It's a perfectly normal thing
for two human beings...

Dad, what are you doing? This is human
nature. Human nature at its best.

Son, everybody does it. Your mother
and I... Well, not so much anymore.

Got your favorite.
Oh, my God! They're fucking!

No! No! Honey, honey, listen.
No, no.

I'm gonna take
her to the car.

- Please just go!
- Actually, if you wouldn't mind.

Honey... I'll take her
to the car.

- Hi, Mama.
- What?

Natalie!

I'm Jim's dad.

You must be the parents
of this young lady.

I'm sorry I didn't get her name,
but hopefully my son did,

because I have not been
here the whole time.

Natalie,
get dressed!

- Beer?
- Avert your eyes! Turn around!

- Thanks, Jim. You don't believe in locks?
- Oh, my God.

Heya, fuckface.

- Mornin', dude.
- Come on, Ozzy. It's show time.

Ozzy, before you go to Ann
Arbor to pick up Heather,

I wanna show you
what you're missing.

See what they are today, dude.
See what they are today.

Okay, here we go.
Moment of truth.

Ooh!

- There's little hearts on her panties!
- Super.

There's little hearts on her panties!
Come on, look, you pussy. Look.

What the fuck, man?
Come on!

I'm disappointed in you. Here it is, the end
of our freshman year and you screwed one girl.

One.

You're a disgrace
to men everywhere.

Look at the Stifmeister. I
got laid 23 times this year,

and I'm not counting the hummer I
got in the library stacks, baby.

All right, here's a new idea
for you, Stifler, okay?

You find a girl.
You two become best friends.

You don't bother counting how many
times you have sex with each other.

- You just laugh at the people that do count.
- Here's a new idea for you.

I'll get you a spoon
so you can eat my ass.

Okay, people. Notebooks closed.
Let's get this exam rolling.

Holy shit, dude.
We got an exam today?

You kiddin' me?

Bullshit.

Yes! I'm never even gonna think
about political science again.

Hey. How'd you do?

- Oh, fine.
- Yeah?

I can't believe I'm doing this
summer abroad thing.

Last thing I need
is more classes.

- You're gonna have a great time.
- Hello, summer!

- Did that exam blow or what?
- Yeah, it sucked.

- Ozzy!
- Kev, what's up, man? How are you?

Good. Put your
party hat on.

- We got 12 weeks of immortality ahead.
- Yes, sir!

Weird.

Ah, the one that got away,
huh, son?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Well, evidently you two made quite
the handsome couple on the Internet.

Oh, I didn't see it.

It, uh, was brought up
at a P.T.A. Meeting.

Anyway, my point is,

these little sexual debacles should not
get you down, because you know what?

It happens to the best
of us. In fact,

the first time your mother
and I got together,

I used a condom.

Well, she referred to it
as "shrink wrapping."

But I got over it.

Anyway, keep your chin up.
You keep plugging

and, uh, good things
will happen.

Good to have you home, son.

It's good to be home, Dad.

It's gonna be nice to hit
Stifler's tonight after exams.

- Did you get through 'em?
- God, what a bitch, huh?

There's the mystery man!

Finch, how are you?
Kevin. Konichiwa.

James. Konichiwa. Konichiwa.

It's Japanese.

It means "hello."
Hello.

Finch, what happened
to Latin?

I met a Japanese girl
at the art museum.

Changed majors. Wanted to understand
all those things she was moaning.

- You got laid in an art museum?
- The Met.

- Oh, and the Guggenheim with Francesca.
- The Guggenheim?

And then my social-psych
professor in Baskin-Robbins.

All right, enough, Finch. But I'll
tell you, none of these women

even compare to...

Stifler's mom.

Stifler's mom is a goddess.

How about some more of Stifmeister's
collegiate concoction?

This thing is like half alcohol.
You're just trying to get me drunk.

Mary, would I do that?

- My name's Christy.
- Christy, right, right. Beautiful name.

Like it matters. Hey,
how you doing? Hey.

Party-hearty,
fuckin' partners!

Johnny C., how's it going?
Good to see you.

Oh, looks like someone gained
a freshman 15. This'll help.

- You're an asshole.
- Missed you too.

All right, everybody having
a good time? Ladies.

Fellas! How's it going?

The keg's back there
as always. Enjoy.

Ladies, I'm Steve Stifler,
and I have an 11 -inch penis

around!

Think about it.
Sherman!

Okay, Stifler,
take your shot. Ha, ha.

Come on, man. I'm really
happy to see you.

All right.
You stupid fuck.

Hey. Hey, are you
Steve Stifler?

Yes, I am.

Well, thank you for throwing
this awesome party, man.

No problem.

Yeah, the cops bust
all our parties now.

Well, I put the word out

so high-school chicks
would come.

Just 'cause you fuckers
don't have dicks

doesn't make it right for
you to be here, you know.

Uh, hey, man,
could I ask you a question?

Sure, son.

Is it true that
Paul Finch nailed your mom?

Sons of bitches.

My mom's a saint!

Go suck some dick!

Hey, Carlos, Jason. What's going on?
Keg's back on the deck.

Hey, how's lowa State?

Did you see those fuckers
I had to boot outta here?

Yup.

Back at Stifler's. It's just
like old times. One difference.

We're college men now.

Some of these girls
are from the grade below us.

I might actually
have a chance.

Hey, I remember you.

Oh, do you now?

You're that guy who blew
his load on the Internet.

Splat. "Oh, wait,
Nadia, don't go." Splat.

- Pathetic.
- Loser.

It's exactly like
old times.

Flight 4717, final call.

- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'll miss you.

I'll call you
when I get in, okay?

Go have fun.
Okay.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

I can't believe
those two girls, Kevin.

Jim, it's not a big deal.
No. Yeah.

They toyed with
my emotions.

- Hello. Hello.
- See? There's other girls.

- How are ya?
- You got nothing to worry about, man.

Hey, Jessica's here.

With Vicky.

And Vicky got hot!

What's that supposed
to mean?

Look at her.

- Yeah, Jim, I see her.
- Hey, Kevin.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, Vic, how are you?
- What's up?

- I'm okay.
- Yeah, I'm good.

- That's good. It's good to hear.
- Yeah, you too.

Wow.

Well, this is about as comfortable
as a high colonic in Tijuana.

And I would know.
Okay.

- I'm gonna get a drink.
- She's right.

- Why is this so weird?
- Actually, I... I have no idea.

See, I knew it. I knew you'd
be mature about this.

You know, and we could still
be friends, right? Yeah.

I miss you, Kev.

Whoa.

Friends, right?

Yeah, right. I mean, I know you
said friends and I... I just...

I'm sorry.
I was... It was just...

An old habit.
I mean, a friend kiss.

Are you sure? Vic, why wouldn't
I wanna be friends with you?

Look, we'll...
We'll just do this, okay?

- Friends.
- Friends.

Ozzy! My man!
There he is.

Shake off your chains of monogamy.
You're a free man.

I don't think so, Stifler. You know
I'll never turn over to the dark side.

Dumbass. What happened to the
'Nova I knew in high school?

'Nova, as in Casanova? The
guy who had all the moves?

Yeah, he was an idiot.

Yeah, but he was
my idiot.

Hey, everyone!
Listen up!

'Nova's back, baby!

And he's taking the locks
off his cock!

Ozzy, I'm lobbing you
a softball here.

Pull out your bat
and take a swing.

Mandy.

This is my friend Oz.

All-state lacrosse
two years in a row.

Hey, Oz.
Hi, Mandy. How are you?

Listen, I have
a girlfriend.

It was a pleasure
meeting you.

Beer out back.

You pussy!

Stifler's mom's room.

How did you do
that magic you did?

Tantra.

What the fuck
are you doin' in here?

Just relax.

You get out of my house!

- Jesus Christ!
- Come back here, you little fucker!

Come back here, you son of a bitch!
Take it easy.

Whoa! Hey! Hey! Easy! Easy!
That's enough.

Okay, guys, we went through
this last summer, all right?

Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six
stitches. 'Cause you fuckin' bit me!

You touch me, I bite.

You two relax and shake hands.

- Shake this!
- Hey.

Finch.
I need a drink.

Why is everybody
taking a piss right now?

- The line's too long. I ain't gonna make it, man.
- You'll be okay. Relax.

Hey, bro. Hey, man, you're the
guy who boned Stifler's mom.

- Hey, you are a god.
- Holy shit, dude.

If I didn't have to hold my dick
'cause I gotta piss so bad,

I would shake your hand.

- I'm honored, guys.
- Don't leave.

You must teach me.
How? How?

Oh, look what I found,
Christy.

Oh, what a coincidence.

I've been saving this
for a special occasion,

for a special girl,
just like you.

- You're so sweet.
- That's what they say.

Oh, weird.

- Oh, my God.
- I spilled some on you.

- Maybe I should mop that up.
- Thanks.

- No problem.
- Whoa! Whoa, hey.

- Take it slow. Come on.
- Right.

You know, they warn us about
these situations in college.

Now, you may be intoxicated.

Oh, yeah.

Are you certain that you wish
to engage in consenting...

Hey, don't count
your chickens, buster.

- I'm just playing by the rules, baby.
- I make the rules.

That's a pretty good
fucking rule.

Dude, the line's too long.
I'll never make it.

It's gotta happen now. Get my back.
All right. Go, bro.

- Clamp it off.
- Hello.

- Oh, Laurie. How are you?
- Good. Awesome.

- Hey. How are you?
- Hi, Laurie.

Good. I'm really good.

How 'bout I give you
a little champagne?

Why don't you go downstairs
and get us a couple beers?

I've got a surprise for you.

Close your eyes and get ready.
Oh, I'm ready.

- You want a beer?
- Yeah, all right.

Mmm.

Okay, go.

This is kind of kinky,
and I like that.

Ohhh! That's it.
Bathe the Stifmeister.

Oh, that's great!

Oh, that's great.

How did you get it
so nice and warm?

I can taste the bubbles.

Actually, I can't.

Much better.

Wait a second.

- Let's go.
- Thanks, man.

Christy?

Oh, fuck!

Yep. Half of these got East
High parking passes on 'em.

Break up another one.
Call a couple units.

Isn't this the Stifler house? Yeah.
You ever seen Mrs. Stifler?

Oh, what a MILF.

Oh, yeah?
She got any pow? Pow.

Okay, now,

do these high school kids think that we're
cool because they're at a college party,

or are we those
weird older guys

that try to hang out with high
school kids when we come home?

- No way. We're definitely not those guys.
- Cops!

Cops!

All right! Break it up.
Party's over.

Let's go.
Ostreicher, Myers.

Welcome back.

Where's Steve Stifler?

All right, let's go.
Get up. This party's over.

I got peed on.

No, man,
Stifler's got shut down.

We can't party
anywhere anymore.

And things are...

- Getting weird?
- Yeah, a little bit.

First summer back
from college.

Yep, things are gonna
get weirder.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, times change,
people change.

It's just what happens,
you know.

Kev, listen.
Go into my old room.

My friends and I knew that it
was up to us to stick together.

You remember
my first college summer?

We rented that
lake house in Grant Harbor.

We treated every day out there
like it was a post-prom party.

Hell of a time. We capped it all
off with a massive blowout.

Best ever.
It was legendary.

My advice is do that.
By the end of the summer,

you're gonna see
the big picture.

She's on the phone. She's on the phone.
It's long distance.

- Who?
- Nadia! Nadia!

- What? She's on...
- New York. Hello. Yes, dear, he's right here.

- Hey... Here, give it to me.
- Now remember...

Yes, I am sure to go
see The Lion King.

- Right. And don't ride the subway after midnight.
- Okay.

I know they've done wonderful things
with that city, but, you know, for me...

Dad!

He's right... Hang on.

Hey... Hey, Nadia.
Jim!

- How was college?
- College was excellent.

Yeah. Yeah, it was...
It was really excellent.

You have not forgotten
about me, have you?

No. I, uh...
Absolutely not.

- I definitely didn't.
- Good, because guess what?

I'm coming to see you
at the end of summer.

I hope you're
ready for me,

because I have not forgotten
about you either, you sexy boy.

- Shit.
- Jim, you can eat hot dogs tomorrow.

No, no, Finch,
it's not the hot dogs.

Nadia called me
this morning.

She's coming here at the end of the
summer, and she wants to see me.

Oh, that's killer.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

No, not "good thing."
Not "killer."

I'll never be able
to do it.

Nadia is gonna be
expecting filet mignon.

Okay, and all I'm gonna
be able to give her

is rump roast.

Aw, come on. Jim, you've had
experience since Nadia.

Ah, yes, you would
be referring to

the flute-fetish band geek that made me
her bitch and then ditched me after prom.

Yes, that's great experience.
That's the one.

Ah, you just gotta
find the right girl, Jimbo.

- Brings it all together.
- I had the right woman.

She just sells her cottage and
takes off to parts unknown.

Oh, my romantic life
has past its peak.

Take me out to the pasture
and shoot me.

Super start to a super summer, fellas.
Welcome home.

Guys, I got it.
Pack your bags.

For what?

We're moving to the lake.

We're gonna be the shit. Everybody
on the beach is gonna know us.

Plenty of opportunities
to practice for Nadia.

Throw a huge party at the end of
the summer to cap it all off.

Dude, that's a great idea. That way
we'll be able to welcome Heather back,

and we'll be able to prepare
for Nadia's big arrival.

This is it.
This is my summer of love.

Just thought I'd say
good-bye to you animals.

Hey, Mr. Levenstein.
How are you, sir? Hey.

All packed up I see.

Yeah, we're all set, Dad.

Don't worry, okay?
I'll be fine.

Come on and give
your old man a hug.

Keep it real, homies.

You too, sir.
Have a good summer.

All right, let's go.

I've been running
these numbers here

and I don't think the four
of us can afford this place.

Not on summer jobs.

Well, I kind of
thought of that.

So, I invited
someone else.

Oh, yeah! The Stifmeister's
coming back to Grant Harbor!

Deck the halls!
Bye-bye, Great Falls!

Wipe my ass
and lick my balls!

It's Stifler time, baby!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Stifler, if you're gonna be living
with us you gotta behave yourself.

All right, you and Finch just
stay out of each other's way.

Kevin, Stifler's stench
is unavoidable.

Finch, fist yourself.

That's right, baby.
We're here.

Yeah, baby, we're here!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- It's a palace.
- It's a temple.

Isn't this great?

Ah, dude.
Are you kidding me?

This just won't do.

Guys.

Check this out.
This is it.

Will you idiots tell me
what this fucker's doin'?

Don't touch me
while I'm tantric.

"Tantric"?
What the fuck is tantric?

It's a Buddhist discipline. You learn
to channel your body's energies,

your chakras.

When you can do that, you can
have sex for hours, even days.

And this stuff's for real?

It's been around
for centuries.

With tantra you can make
an entire session of sex

feel like one giant orgasm.

Eventually, you can sustain
that feeling by meditating.

- Well, maybe you can teach me sometime?
- Very doubtful.

- True.
- Come on, Jim.

- You can't possibly be that bad.
- Oh, no?

No way.

Well, I guess there's only one person
that really knows for sure, huh?

Oh, yeah?
Where's she this summer?

Hey, are you here for
the mid-session performance?

Guests go in the amphitheater.
You can't be here.

Do you know where I
could find Michelle Flaherty?

Guests bring food. Food attracts animals.
This one time,

a bear came, and then the
bear had to be destroyed,

which means they shot it in the head
with a rifle and killed it and it died.

You must know Michelle.

One, two, three, four.

One, two... Good, go.

One, two, three, four.

That's a lot of flutes.

Good luck. Thanks. Good job.
Thanks, Michelle.

Have fun at your next class.

Hey, Michelle.

Jim. Holy potatoes!

- You're really here?
- Everybody stick together.

Oh, shoot! We're... We're not
supposed to have visitors,

'cause this one time,
uh, here,

this kid had these cookies...

Let me guess. A bear came. Cool.

It's like you know
all our stories.

Oh. Was that a question?

I don't know. Maybe.

Do you wanna answer it anyway?
Michelle, um,

I left you like, uh... Like
three messages after prom.

Really?

You didn't think I was weird because
of the way I acted that night?

Weird, no.

Surprising, yes.

I get nasty when I'm horny.

That's kind of
why I'm here.

Um, you remember,

was I any good that...
That night?

Oh, wow. Geez.

How could I forget?

You sucked. You didn't know
what the hell you were doing.

But wasn't it fun even though
you were so terrible?

- I'm sorry. "Terrible"?
- I've had worse.

Oh.
Oh, sorry. I...

I... I could give you
some pointers if you want.

Really?

Oh. Oh, shoot.
Okay, wait here.

I'll meet you
in an hour, okay?

- Yeah.
- Oh, wait.

Cool idea.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Ow!

Ooh. Ooh.

You're all right. Here we go. You know
you're not supposed to be here now.

Everyone's supposed to be in
the amphitheater.

All right. Come on.

It's piss-poor to be this late.
I'm very angry right now.

You can tell by the tone of my voice I'm
angry. I'm pissed off is what I am.

Here they are. Cut 'em off.
'Cause this is piss-poor. Go, go.

Wait a minute.
Are you Petey?

Petey?
Uh, yeah, sure.

Petey! Well,
that explains everything.

All right. Well, it's always
something with these kids. Go!

Petey, we are just so thrilled to have you.
None of my kids are at your caliber.

Watch that. But we are just so overjoyed to
have someone with your kind of talent here.

- Oh, great.
- Here you go.

That's great.
Oh, look at this.

Your old best friend.
Come on. Move.

I know it's not yours, but you are
going to make beautiful music.

Here we go. This is fantastic.
I'm very excited.

You just own this
and break a leg.

All right,
all right.

What was he doing out
wandering around unsupervised?

Who knows?

I'll tell you something. I'm about fed
up with these Tall Oaks North kids.

Kids, entertain yourselves.
Play along with Petey.

No, no, no, no, Petey.
Here we go.

All right, all right. Come on, now.
A little encouragement.

Right to this spot.

Folks, he's just
a little nervous.

This isn't right.

Just blow on it, kid.
All right.

Here we go.

- Uh...
- Come on, Petey.

Play!
Do something.

Special, my ass.

Come on. Give the little
guy some support. Yeah!

Come on, Petey. You're
doing great, partner.

Come on, honey.
You can do it.

Come on, Petey.

Oh, what the hell.

Yeah!

All right!

All right, Petey! Play it, man!
Come on!

Rock and roll!

Whoo!

Thank you!

Thank you, Tall Oaks.
You're beautiful.

My name is Petey!

Thank you!

And I have gigantic balls!

I...

Michelle... Not now!
Come back later. Go!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come back here!
I wanna talk to you!

You are so sweet.

He is special.

He's my bitch.

Well, Michelle
has confirmed it.

- I suck.
- What?

I gotta get
some practice.

Don't worry about it. I mean,
that's why we got the house, Jimbo.

We plop a keg on the deck, and
the girls come in off the beach.

It's like
a hummingbird feeder.

- You think so?
- I know so.

Guaranteed hotties.

Fellas, nice pad.

Good view, but...

The Sherminator sensors detect no
female life-forms in the vicinity.

High likelihood of
a sausage-fest in progress.

The girls are comin'.
I made some calls.

Yeah.

The Sherminator's
got a point, Kev.

Since when do you start
listening to the Sherminator?

Since he made me realize there's
an abundance of wiener here.

I mean, look around,
dude. Dude?

All right,
now it's your turn.

Oh, come on.
There's nothing to tell.

Hey, what's up? What are
you guys talking about?

You know, we're just trading
war stories about college,

who hooked up with who,
who slept with who...

So, Vicky?

Well, there was this one guy.
How 'bout you?

Oh, you know, there was
a few girls... Three.

Ooh, look at you.
You stud.

All right, Oz. Now that Kevin
told us, what about you?

You haven't had the slightest bit of
attraction to any girl at school?

Don't you fuckin' say no.
I know you did.

Even if I did,

it wouldn't be anything more
than just a momentary thing.

Very uninteresting. And
how about you, Jessica?

How many chicks did you
sleep with this year?

Gee, wouldn't you
like to know.

Fuck yeah, I would.

Come on, Ozzy.

Yeah, man. Ball.
Pool's yours.

Hey, Vic, you wanna play?

Yeah, sure. You wanna break?

What the...

Where are the
fuckin' females?

Jim, can't you leave your shirt on?
You're scaring the chicks away.

Dude,
give him a break.

- Ozzy, go deep.
- Yeah, bro. You playing?

No.

No, no, keep going.
Fly pattern.

- What are you doin'?
- Fishin'.

- Are you okay?
- Are you all right?

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
Is everybody okay?

- Amazing.
- Yes.

The Force is strong
in that one.

Whoa.

The Sherminator detects serious
heat at a distance of two meters.

Preparing to deploy beer.

Sherman, dude,

let me give you a valuable
piece of advice, okay?

Drop the whole
"Sherminator" thing.

Please repeat
previous statement.

Look, I know your last name
is Sherman, right?

And that rhymes with
The Terminator which was

a big hit movie, what,
like 10 years ago.

But you can't tell me a girl's
ever really gone for it.

System overload.
Hasta la vista, Jessica.

What a freak.

Vic, hey, you guys
are leaving?

You know, we barely had a chance
to hang out, you know, catch up.

- Well, what are you doing this weekend?
- I can get together.

- Cool. Let's hang out.
- All right.

- Bye, Kev.
- See ya, Jess.

Bye.

No, no,
that's all wrong.

Thank you. Have a nice day.
Good-bye.

- So what does he mean, "meet up"?
- You know, like hang out,

grab lunch, whatever.

I told you, we're just friends now.
And he totally understands.

- I'm sure he understands quite well.
- He does.

Oh, no, sir. These are all wrong for you.
I mean, seriously.

Sure. We're friends.

But it's not like I see her making
plans with anyone else. Right.

I don't see her with a boyfriend.
I think that puts me on deck.

Hey, Vicky only slept with
one guy since we went out.

I mean, that like makes me 50%
of her entire guy-related life.

You dipshit.

She didn't sleep with one guy.
She slept with at least three.

What?

When a girl tells you
how many guys she slept with,

multiply it by three
and that's the real number.

Didn't you fuckers learn
anything at college?

Look, he did not sleep
with three girls, okay?

Much like Sly and the Family Stone
aren't gonna dance on in here

and gang-bang me between the Afros
and the bell bottoms, okay?

It's not gonna happen.

Kevin Myers did not sleep
with three girls at Michigan.

- But why would he lie to me?
- It's not a lie. It's an adjustment. The rule of three.

- The rule of what?
- Three.

A guy tells you how many girls he's hooked
up with, it's not even close to that.

Take that number and divide it by three.
Then you get the real total.

So, if Kevin's saying it's been three
girls, it's more like one, or none.

None?

Rule of three.

It's an exact science,
consistent as gravity.

Ozzy,
I'm happy for you.

At least you've seen a nice bod
while Heather's off sucking dick.

Stifler, keep your fantasies
to yourself.

Dude, use
your fuckin' brain.

"Oh, I'm an American college chick.
La, la, la.

"Your European cultural
shit is so charming.

"Ooh, hey. Hot Spanish guy.
Love your accent.

"Love your ding-dong."

I'm telling you, man, right now there
is a dick in your girlfriend's mouth.

Knock it off.

What'd I say?

Oh, my God!

Guys! Check it out. Lesbians.

Lesbians live here.

You know,
Mr. Homophobic Wizard,

that it is possible for women
to hold hands and not be gay.

Friends can hold hands.

Hey, Finch, I don't wanna hear about
you and your boyfriends. Go jerk off.

Unnecessary.

Tantra teaches you to hold
an orgasm over time

in anticipation
of an ultimate moment

to release it
upon the world.

I'm filling up
to the brim.

That's fucking disgusting!
Oh, I'm gonna throw up.

Hello?
Hey, Heather. You're in!

Oz!

How's the studying going?

I'd hardly call it studying.

I've been going
to the Picasso Museum,

hanging out at
Sagrada Familia,

going with Pierre
to the Parc Guell.

- Hey, who's Pierre?
- One of the guys in the program.

He's got a girlfriend back in France, so
we've kind of got something in common.

Ah, that sounds cool.

Yeah, I've overheard them
on the phone at night.

And, uh, well,
it made me think.

Hey, Oz, I'm reaching under my
shirt, and I'm rubbing myself.

Oz, come on. It's phone sex.
Help me out here.

Okay. Uh...

I'm going over to my bed.

Yeah.
And I'm lying down.

And I'm slowly

reaching downstairs.

Grab it. Tell me
how big it is.

Listen, Heather, I'm feeling
kind of awkward. Oz.

If we can't physically be with each other,
then we have to learn to be more vocal.

- Right?
- Right. Okay.

Okay, here we go.
I'm reaching in my pants now.

And I'm rubbing it
for you, Heather.

And it feels so good.

- Yeah, me too.
- Oh, yeah.

I got...

Call waiting.

Oh, shit. Hello?

Wrong number.

Hey. Hello.
Wrong number.

All right, look, man. I got my
hand on my dick right now, okay,

and I'm trying to have sex with
my girlfriend over the phone.

Emir, good for you, man.

Okay.
Hey.

Sorry about that.
Where were we?

I think you were
reaching for something.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Heather. I'm rubbing
it and it feels so good.

Hey, Oz, I'm touching myself.
What else do you want me to do?

Oh, Heather, baby.

Why don't you tell me my
dick is as big as Stifler's.

Stifler, get off!

I am getting off just listening
to the two of you guys.

Keep going.

I think we should try
this another time.

Yeah, all right.
Bye-bye. I love you.

I love you.

Come on, you guys.
I was almost there!

Nice talking
with you, Steven.

Stifler, man!

Repressed.

Check it out.

Potential lesbians
leaving the building.

All right.
Now is my chance.

I need confirmation. Stifler.
Hey, man, what are you doing?

Go get him.

You ass. Stifler, get out.

Stifler. Stifler.

Stifler.

Oh, shit, dude!
I found a dildo!

Stifler.

Big blue rubber dicks
for everyone!

The people demand
rubber dicks!

Finch, help. Finch!

Dildo, dildo, dildo!

What are you doing?

I'm looking for
more lesbian artefacts.

- Where'd you get this?
- Finch's ass.

Oh, my God. Shit!
Guys, they're back.

Stall 'em!

Come on. Come on!

Come on. Come on.

This is awesome!

Danielle, Amber, hi.
Hey.

Just needed the paper, huh?
Mm-hmm.

- Which room? Which room?
- I can't remember shit. I was too excited.

- I'm in a lesbian stronghold.
- Was it in here?

Shit, man. Why are you
asking me so many questions?

Was it in here?

- Maybe.
- What do you mean "maybe"?
Was it or was it not here?

Happy painting, boys.

You gotta get out of there.

They're inside.
Oh, shit balls.

Very original, Steven.

Don't call me Steven.

Ow!

I can wear that
little leopard bikini of mine.

I love that one.
It's so cute on you.

Help unzip me, please.
Oh, yeah.

Okay.
Thanks.

Hey, have I shown you
my cute little pink shoes?

Does it match the pink bikini?

They're
getting naked.

- Cute.
- Thank you.

Oh, shit.
She's de-pantsing.

Oh, man.

Wait a minute. They can't hear us inside? We
won't cross over their radio or anything?

No, man.
These work on a C.B. Frequency.

This girl is so hot.

Two possible lesbians
in their bras and panties.

Lesbians?
Uh...

Did you say lesbians?
Hot lesbians!

Don't touch me.
I'm not.

That better not have been
what I thought it was.

This is not gonna fit.
Look at you and look at me.

- Too big.
- I'll get you the blue stringy number.

Johnny West is missing.

Maybe you kicked it
under the bed.

Okay, let me look.

Wait. Didn't you have it
when we were downstairs?

Oh, maybe.

Let's go.

Guys, get the hell
out of there right now.

Come on. Come on.

- It's clear!
- Go, go, go!

They're coming back.

Oh, I'm just so glad I found him.
He's my favorite collectible.

I know.

Hey, guys, we got
nothing to worry about.

I just remembered. I got that
dildo from the other bedroom.

Holy shit! There's
a dildo in my drawer.

Oh, my God! You could have asked
me if you wanted to borrow it.

I've never even
seen it before.

Stop it.
Shh!

Your breath stinks.

- What the hell was that?
- I don't know. Call 911.

Hey, hey! No, no, no!
Hold on! Hold on!

- No 911.
- Don't call the police.

My God, it's
the painting kids.

I don't care.
I'm still calling the cops.

Okay, no, no, no.
This isn't right.

- Okay, look. Stifler did break in here.
- You dick!

But we just followed
him in to get him out.

I just wanted proof that you
chicks are really lesbians.

You wanna
mess with 'em?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Let's do it.
Let's do it.

You guys like that?

Ozzy, stand by
for confirmation.

That's a big 10-4
on the confirmation.

Sounds like your little friends
outside wanna play too.

You won't be needing this.

Who wants me
to touch Amber?

I do, I do.

Who the hell is that?

Who's this?

Uh, this is John... Smith.

I'm turning off
my radio now.

Okay.
Where should I touch Amber?

Ass, baby.
Feel that ass!

Okay.

That's nice.
Oooh.

I know.
You feel his ass first.

Excuse me?

Yeah, yeah, I like that. That's good.
It's good.

Yeah, so I got some painting
I should, uh... It's...

Jim, hold on.
I can handle it.

- What?
- Stifler, I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

And I would love
to see that show.

Bravo!

One finger, on the cheek.

We want palm

grasping.

Oh, that's too much.
No, no, no.

You don't touch,
we don't touch.

Squeeze his ass, son.
You'll like it.

Come on, boys.

- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, shit.

I'm touching his ass.
I'm touching his ass.

Red Leader,
what's your position?

I'm touching his ass. I'm
touching his ass. Mommy!

You can go.

That really wasn't bad.

- I wanna go home.
- That's too bad.

Never mind.
I'm staying.

Danielle is feeling
my breasts.

No way, dude!

Her breasts are so luscious. What a wonderful
Christmas gift you bought the boys.

My nipples are so hard.

I think I can
fix these.

Sweet Jesus.

Your turn.

Oh, yeah!

No, no, no.
Mmm-mmm.

Him.

Kiss.

Dude, no.

- Wait. What?
- Oh, yeah. You want more?

We want more.
Go get him, tiger.

You'll like it.
You're gonna love it.

Do it for us.

Okay, dude.

One, two,

three.

That doesn't even count.

That counted.
That totally counted.

That's how you kiss
your mother.

Don't you say anything!

Make it real.
You do that,

we'll do anything you want.

Anything?

Anything.

Anything.
Anything.

You better like it.

I promise. Promise.
I wouldn't lie.

Come on.

That is what
I'm talking about.

Ah, Kev, you can look.

Ooh!

That's it.

Where's your tongue?

Good boys.

- Very good.
- Dude, you're a fuckin' lousy kisser.

What? I wasn't trying!

That's not fair!

I wasn't trying there.
I'm really... I'm not...

No judgment.
Nope.

Wait a second.
You were trying?

- Fuck no!
- You were trying!

You were trying?
You were trying!

Oh, my... That's disg...
Oh, I kissed Jim!

Silence. Silence.
Silence!

- Ladies.
- Yes?

As you were.

- Here we go.
- Let's do it.

Okay.

Ooh. Ahh.

Amber!

Them girls sound like the two transvestites
we picked up in Biloxi, Cooter.

- Honey, come on. Food's ready.
- I'm not hungry!

I can't...

I can't believe it.
Okay, okay, just do it.

Ooh!
Oh.

- Oh, God.
- It was worth it.

Hello!
Oh!

Whoo!

Keep going.

Uh, Amber.

Okay, I think that's enough.
That's good.

- I want more.
- Hell, yeah.

- Yeah.
- I want more, too, baby.

Mm-hmm.

We're gonna get more physical
as soon as we get some...

Hand jobs.

Okay!

Yeah.
Hand jobs.

You, do him.

We love to watch.

- I'm sorry?
- Yeah.

- You go. You go.
- We go. We go.

Don't be a wimp.

Okay. It's okay.
I know what I have to do.

I need to keep
this party goin'.

I'm takin' one
for the team.

Mother of God! Come on, you pussies.
We had 'em.

- I am not touching that.
- Put that thing away, Stifler.

Why can't you guys
be team players, huh?

I was the one doin'
all the sacrificin'.

Whoo!

And now, for our
devoted listeners,

back to the show.

Amber, let me
try that dildo.

Okay. Now
wait just a minute.

Stifler wanted to give
you two hand jobs?

No. Stifler wanted
one from us.

What? Bullshit.

No, he did, okay?
And it was horrible, Oz.

Very horrible.

You guys, you wanna
play some "asshole"?

Eh. Just watching
the game, Kev.

Hey, I just wanna
do something together.

We just did something
together.

- Very together.
- Ho ho ho.

Stifler Claus is here.

Now, just so there's
no confusion,

Santa Porn has just brought us
some heterosexual entertainment.

Here you go.

All right. Here.

And the Stifmeister's provided
us some complimentary lubricant.

Whack away, Jim. Whack away.

Does this stuff really
make a difference?

- Oh, yeah!
- Really?

Stifmeister's palace of love...
Uh, straight love.

Oh, hey. Yeah, I'm fine.
How about you?

That's Stifler's mom.

Silence.

I didn't really think you were
gonna be in Michigan this summer.

Yeah, you're more
than welcome to be here.

Okay, stop by in a couple of weeks.
We're having a big party. Okay, bye.

Uh, Stifler, was that...

Okay.

She's coming.

Stifler's mom
is coming here.

Efforts must be doubled.

"Efforts must be doubled."

Absolutely.

Jenny, where'd you
put my clarinet?

- I think I shoved it in your box.
- Thanks!

Bad man.
I'm a bad, bad man.

Michelle. Michelle. Hi. Hi.

Jim, what are
you doing here?

I... Well, I thought
you had said...

You can't just
stand out here.

Look, I need your help.

Nadia's coming back,

and I don't...

I don't wanna be this awkward,

bumbling, nervous guy
with her.

I don't wanna
seem like a dork.

Well, I know that feeling.

Yeah. Spend your life
playing in the band,

it doesn't exactly give you
the ultra-cool hipster image.

I think you're
pretty cool.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Michelle, why did you
ditch me after prom?

I didn't ditch you.
I... I just...

Our date was over.

I mean, did you
want some

funky, weird,
next-morning good-bye?

It's not like I wanted you to pretend
you were in love with me or something.

Why would I pretend that?

Guys do that.

Yeah, well, I'm
not like other guys.

I know.

Okay, I'm gonna help you.

Really?

Yeah, I feel bad for
saying that you sucked,

even though you kind of did.

Oh. Okay.

I'm just...

Let's just get started.
Okay.

- Okay. Now, I'm a hot girl.
- Right.

- Okay, what do you wanna do?
- I wanna feel your boobs.

No, you dingbat.

You don't just
go groping away.

You gotta preheat the oven
before you stick in the turkey.

Okay.

Kiss me, here.

Good. Okay, now,

the collarbone.
Kiss.

Good, Jim.

Oh, you're making me wet.

Holy shit. Really? No, I was just
saying that so you could practice.

Of course.

Okay, Jim.
That was good.

Let's work
on something else.

Does direction matter? Like clockwise,
counterclockwise, make a difference?

Okay, Jim, this is what
I'm talking about.

Your main problem is
you're so uptight.

Do I seem uptight about
my sexual stuff? No.

The biggest pointer
I could give you is...

You have to feel comfortable
in any situation.

Stand up.
Hmm?

Stand up.
Ohh!

- Now, this is a fucked-up situation.
- What happened to preheating?

- We're skipping a few chapters.
- Oh, okay.

This is good. This is good.
Obviously.

Ooh! Gilligan's Island, Mr.
Howell.

What?

You've got to control yourself and
think of something nonsexual.

I haven't even touched you yet, and
you're turning into the Sears Tower.

I'm sorry.
Yeah, uh, nonsexual.

Right, right.
Um, okay.

- Chairs. Chairs.
- Good.

Uh, uh...
Mastodons.

Uh, uh...
Good.

Cleaning my bathroom.

Dung beetles.
Good.

Yeah. Okay. Now,
don't freak out.

I'm gonna do something to
push your threshold. Okay...

Oh, that's cold!
What are you doing?

I just shoved a trumpet in your ass.
Aren't instruments fun?

Okay, I think you've just
crossed my threshold.

We gotta go!

Call me in two weeks. I'll be home then.
We can finish lessons.

Okay.
Oh!

Pointer,
less tongue.

- What is it? A guest book?
- Yeah, and look at this entry.

"Best thing was the blowout
at Tom Myers' place.

- There he is.
- "A night not soon to be forgotten.

"August '93." It's your
brother, man. Look.

Yeah, his cottage was
right down on the beach.

Guys, this is what
our party's gotta be.

- Something we'll always remember, you know?
- Yes, definitely.

Absolutely.

You go fish.

Finch, we're playing gin.

Oh.

Gin.

Huh!

What the fuck?

"Dear Jim,

"Chicago is beautiful, but it
would be better if you were here.

"I'm counting the days.
Love, Nadia."

Well, I wish
you were here, Nadia.

- Have you been dirty?
- Oh, yes, baby.

- I've been dirty.
- Do you want me to clean you?

"Apply a few drops to achieve
desired lubrication."

All right.

Is that a loofah, or are
you just glad to see me?

Oh, what the hell.

Shit.

Ohh!

Dear God!

I been missin' out.

Uh-oh.

Ow.

Oh. Oh, shit! Ah!

Oh, shit!

Oh! Ow! Jeez...

- Everybody okay?
- I'm fine.

I'm fine.
Everything's fine.

Shut the fuck up, or I'll break
down this door and pummel your ass!

No, don't come in here. I'm fine.
I just fell out of the bed.

- You sure?
- Okay, good night, then.

- 'Night.
- We'll see you in the morning.

Oh!

Shit!
Oh, shit!

Aah!

Ow! Aah!

Ow!

- Poison control.
- Hello?

Uh, hi, hi.

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I kind of, uh,

uh, Super Glued myself

to, uh, myself.

No. Uh, no.

Ow. Don't, uh,
don't send an ambulance.

Look, is there anything, uh,
you know, around the house?

Paint thinner.

David?

Shit.

Don't move!
Stay where you are!

Hands where
we can see 'em!

Both hands! Get the other
hand up, goddamn it!

I can't! I can't!
I'm glued!

I'm glued!
Sorry.

Relax your hands.

I'll take it
from here, okay?

Don't worry, Jimbo.
You're gonna be fine, buddy.

Jim, this happens
to the best of us.

Left foot first.
Easy does it. Good.

- Watch your head.
- All right. Take a seat.

Ahh!

Excuse me, sir.
Are you a family member?

Fuck, no! This is just
too good to miss!

Okay, sir, you're just gonna
have to wait here. All right?

This summer's
turning out to be great.

Mucilage is, um,
dangerous territory.

And I would think
any adhesive product

- would have a warning right on the...
- On the tube.

I thought it was,
uh, uh, lubricant.

Okay, I was trying
to use lubricant.

Oh.

Son, couldn't you have left
that disgusting thing at home?

Excuse me?

Well, that kind of material
is offensive to me.

Oh, well, we're sorry.

But you see, my son
couldn't leave it at home

because he's having a bit
of a medical emergency.

That's right.
Thanks, Dad.

Your opinion of his taste in
video rentals, I'm afraid,

is, uh, not
a priority, lady.

Okay? It's at the
bottom of the totem pole.

Okay?

Thank you, Dad. Okay.

My son is sitting
here right now

with his hand
glued to his penis.

But that doesn't mean
anything to you, does it?

Because you
don't have a penis.

- Or maybe you do!
- Dad...

Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You know, it just bugs me when
people speak before they think.

You know, they speak...

How you doin', son?

I've been better.

Boy, that doesn't
look too bad, Jim.

Good job, Doctor.

The swelling should subside
in about eight or nine days.

Eight or... Eight or nine...

Beach party's in a week.
Nadia's coming.

Oh. Oh.

Doctor, my son has
a party in seven days,

and there's a young lady
coming

that he's been
waiting to...

He's been waiting
to get with.

I'd tell your son to keep his
pants on during that party.

Oh, yes, yes. Believe me, I will be
doing that. It goes without saying.

But if his pants

decide to come off
during the party,

could he have
full use of his,

um, penis?

Okay.

This should shave
a couple of days off.

Oh, good.

Thank you, Doctor.

Jim,

that's good news.

This has been a good-news day, son.
Here. Put this on.

Little chilly
out there.

Well, here we are.

You know, Jim, um,

I think we should keep your mother in
the dark about the incident tonight.

I think the whole glue thing
might get her a little queasy.

I don't know how I get
myself into these things.

But thanks for understanding.

You've been really cool.

I mean, between this and,

you know...

You know, you may be
Jimbo or Jumbo

or Jimbodinny
to these guys in here,

but I want you to know
there are two people

who still remember where James
Emanuel Levenstein came from.

We're awful proud
of you, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Don't forget
your penis cream.

That was it.

Right there. That was a
pure tantric moment.

The ficus, the water...
It was all erotic.

One more stimulant, I would
have had full release.

Finch, stay the fuck
away from that ficus.

That's a jizz-free ficus.

There he is. Morning, Jimbo. How's
the twig and giggleberries, man?

Oh, very colorful. My dick
looks like a paint-by-numbers.

Jim, you're the only guy I know whose
dick needs an instruction manual.

Casa de Stifler.

Oh, hey.

What, you're here now?
No, that's cool.

You know, if you want to
hang out with these guys.

Okay, then.
I'll meet you out front.

Hey, Stifler, was that...

Eat shit, Shitbreak.

She's here.

My lady has arrived.

I gotta prepare.

Here we go. Great.
Stifler's mom is here?

This could be
a disaster.

Whoa.

Not unless Stifler's mom
drives a moped.

Moped?

Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers.
How you doin', boys?

- That's Stifler's little brother.
- What are you doing here?

Pussy, man.
I'm here for the pussy.

Take a number.

Gentlemen, why all the noise? Everybody
knows that this is my special day.

What is that?

Is that a fuckin' dress?
Are you wearing a dress?

Shitbreak, meet
my little brother.

Little brother,
meet Shitbreak.

- That's your brother?
- Yes.

My lady's not coming.

So my entire
stockpile is wasted,

and I look ridiculous!

Excuse me.

- That didn't look too good.
- No.

- Let's go find your room.
- Dude, where are the fuckin' females?

I can't believe
I finally got you alone.

That only took,
what, six weeks?

So, uh, are you alone too?

- Yep.
- Good.

I'm all alone.

Guess what I had
in mind?

Hey, Marco, can you
get your balls off me?

Heather, what the hell's
going on over there?

Uh, nothing.
It's just my flatmates.

I guess this is kind of
a lost cause, huh?

- Yeah, I guess so. I can't wait.
- See ya this weekend?

- I can't wait either.
- Bye-bye.

- Surprise!
- Holy... Nadia!

You're here? You're here.
What are you doing here?

Jim, I got so tired
of sightseeing.

But you're...
You're early.

Okay.
Nice to know you.

- I will leave.
- No!

No. Uh, don't...
Don't leave.

Don't leave.
No leaving.

Uh, no. Uh...

It's just, I'm not
gonna be ready...

I mean, the party won't be
ready, uh, until Saturday.

I can stay here
until then?

Yeah.

I'm gonna be right back.
Is that okay?

- Okay.
- Nadia.

Who's in my room.
Now. Holy shit.

All right,
I've got a plan.

Okay. How about
I come back with you

and you say, "Hello, this is
Michelle, my girlfriend."

And obviously, Nadia won't
expect you to hop in the sack.

And then we break up
the day of the party.

And you're all healed
and back on the market.

You're evil.

No way!

I'm like Cupid.

And I know how
to make a girl jealous.

This is gonna be fun.

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you sooner,

but we just started seeing
each other a few weeks ago.

Um... But I'd really love
it if you stayed here.

I think you should stay
and have fun at the party.

Good for you, Jim.
Of course I will stay.

That's great... Ah!
That's my nipples!

She just loves my nipples.

Oh, no.

- Oh, my God.
- You still broken?

No.

I'm fine.

I might have to
actually go through with this.

Jim, what's the big deal
with Nadia, anyway?

I mean, okay, so she's
50,000 times hotter

than most girls, but...

Come on,
it's just sex.

Oh, no.

You saw the thing
on the Internet.

Did it look like
I might have had

a slight interest
in Nadia then?

Add another year to that.

Okay.

Hey, why don't you bring Nadia to the
concert first? It'll be a cool date.

We'll see how things go.

Michelle,
you have been great.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Come on.

You ready to break up?

You big, stupid dummy!

Theater is so cool!

I don't care if you are the
best lay I've ever had in my life.

- I hate your guts anyway.
- Don't say that.

And I don't care if you did
give me ten orgasms in a row,

because you smell
really bad.

No! I smell
really bad!

Because we've been having
so much sex, and...

And I haven't showered,
and I wanna shower!

So, don't you go being all
super-sexy guy anymore,

because I am now
impervious

to your unrelenting
machismo and sexual ardor.

And that includes fucking me in the ass!
So there!

We had
something special.

What's up?
What's up, dog?

Vicky. Hey.
Hey.

I'm so glad you came. You
want something to drink or...

Hey.

Can I help you?

- Kevin. That's my date.
- What?

You... You saved them all.

How sweet.

You don't think
I'm a dork?

Whatever you are, Jim,
it is what I like.

Kevin left.
Didn't look good.

Kevin left?

Just wandered
down the beach.

You okay, Kev?

Wanna tell us
what's up?

Wanna feel Finch's ass?

No, I... I went
to say hi to Vicky,

and she was there
with a date.

You hooked up with three girls this year.
You're doing fine.

Rule of three, Oz.

I guess I was living in the past,
wanting to party with you guys

and be with Vicky,
it's just like high school.

You remember
that day after prom?

You know, we made
a toast to the next step.

I guess I never took it.

My brother said that by the end of
the summer I'd see the big picture.

And I see it.

No matter what, times change
and things are different.

The problem is,
I don't want them to be.

You know, Kevin,
I haven't moved on either.

I've been obsessed with the one woman
I can't have a real future with,

other than a very kinky,
extremely warped one.

I gotta find
a new goddess.

It's gonna take patience, but
I've been celibate all summer.

Yeah, you kinda get
used to it, though, huh?

Are you insane?

Hey, look, Kev, different does
not necessarily mean worse.

As a matter of fact, I think
things are just getting better.

Or am I gonna have to drag your ass
back to that party and prove it to you?

I'll walk.

Wow!

You know, you have
beautiful eyes.

Oh, you're sweet.

That's a really nice top.

- Oh. Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- Wanna fuck?
- Are you serious?

Come on, baby.
Give it to the Stifmeister.

- I think you better...
- Your loss.

Wow. You know,
you have beautiful eyes.

Come here, dude. Come on. You're
making an ass out of yourself.

You're ruining my mojo. And
you're not the Stifmeister, okay?

It takes years to develop
true Stifmeister style.

Come on, man!
I just wanna see some boobs.

- Hey, Pop-Tart.
- Dream on, midget.

Excuse him. Come here. Take this.
You're on cop watch.

Go out in the driveway.
See any cops, call me, okay?

Steve...
All right.

Gentlemen, uh,
this appears to be a party.

Guys, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go look for Nadia.

Good luck.

Ahh.

So what was this
year like for you?

Did you miss high school?

Well, no. When you travel
as much as I do,

you get used to
moving on.

But I have great memories.

- Wow, can we go in there?
- The lighthouse?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes, we can.

How romantic.

Jim, come on.

Wow!

Oh, it's beautiful!

Cool!

Jim, I have told you my
memories from high school.

What are yours?

Oh, uh...

Well, uh, you.

You have not changed.

Jim, relax.

We are just, how do you
say, tooting our horns.

Actually, that is
quite difficult.

How do you mean?

Well, this one time
at band camp,

I...

Holy shit.

What? Tell me.

Uh, well, uh,

this one time
at band camp,

I got stuck
playing this trombone.

And I can't play anything at all.
So I totally sucked.

And everyone thought
I was this Petey guy,

but I didn't know what to think, so
I just kept playing and playing,

and I didn't know
what I was doing.

It was so funny!

- I gotta go.
- What? Why?

Nadia,

please don't take this
the wrong way,

but, but you're...

You're everything
that I used to want.

And as much
as I may really,

really regret
what I'm about to do,

there's somebody else
I want to be with.

You want
the band geek?

Nadia, I am a band geek.

I just never
joined the band.

You go get your geek.

Someday I will find mine.

Hey, um, Kevin Myers.

Hi. Sorry I was
a dick before.

It's okay, man.
My name's Brett.

- Uh, could you give us a sec?
- Sure.

Look, you don't
have to do this.

Maybe I was
being selfish

in wanting to be
your friend.

Maybe it's just not gonna work.
Victoria,

I would much rather have you as a friend
than not have you in my life at all.

Yeah!
Party on!

Yeah! Yeah!

- From the lighthouse all the way...
- Hey, handsome.

- Heather! Hey.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I was gonna pick you up at the
airport in, like, two hours.

I took an earlier flight, and
I thought I'd surprise you.

- Yeah, you did.
- Kinda weird without the phone, huh?

We'll get used to it.

Come on. I wanna hear all about it.
We'll grab you a drink.

Steve, this cop-watch
thing is horseshit.

Hello?

Man, this sucks.

Who is it out there?

It's the Stifmeister, baby.

Is that so?

Life's a bitch,
isn't it?

It's all right. You don't
have to say anything.

I'm used to girls
ignoring me.

Or making fun of me.

"Come on, Sherman.
Be the Sherminator."

Like the movie.
How clever.

I get it, okay?

Maybe I am a geek.

Whatever.

Yes! Yes, you are!

All right.

I am the Sherminator.
Ohh!

A sophisticated sex robot
sent back through time

to change the future
for one lucky lady.

I am lucky lady?

That's right, Nadia. You've
been targeted for Shermination.

Come with me
if you want to live.

Oh! Oh, no!

Help!

- Ohh! Fuck me, geek!
- Affirmative!

No fuckin' way!

- Forget it.
- Like you have a chance.

Cheers, bud.

Hey, Steve,
look what I found.

- Dude, don't touch the shirt.
- Just look.

- Hi.
- Hey, there.

Brilliant.
You found lesbians.

Good luck trying to break
through that force field.

- Lesbians?
- We never said that.

- What?
- We never said that.

Oh.
Oh, man.

I will do anything, anything
to sleep with you chicks.

Okay? I'll grab every
guy's ass in this room.

I'll caress it, even. I'll shave
some ass if they need it.

Oh, yeah.
You heard me.

It's true. I'll kiss everybody here.
Dudes, chicks, everybody.

Because I am comfortable
with my sexuality.

Oh, yeah.

At least have a drink
with the Stifmeister.

- All right.
- That's fair.

All right.

You truly are
a Stifmeister.

Welcome back to the party.

Steve, those are my lesbians.

Ladies, I am down
with the funky shit.

- Like what?
- One time at this party,
I was drinking champagne...

Thank you. Thank you.

Our next soloist
will be Michelle Flaherty.

Petey?

This kid is killing me.

- You suck, retard.
- I'm not retarded.

I'm a very special boy.

Jim!

How's this
for a band camp story?

Come on, guys.
Let's hear it for Petey!

Talented bastard!

- Good for them.
- Yeah, it's awesome.

- Want to dance?
- Yeah.

We'll be back.
Come on, baby!

You know, there's only
one word for that party:

- Bitchin'.
- Out of control.

Dude, am I gonna have a hangover?
'Cause I want one.

- Good-bye.
- See ya.

- Let's go to our page.
- Oh, my gosh. We have to write about this party.

This party was crazy! Look at my date!
He's passed out!

- You drank him under the table.
- He couldn't hang out with us.

Oh!

- Best summer ever, huh, fellas?
- Absolutely.

- Sorry things didn't work out for you, Finch.
- You kiddin'? Things are great.

I have all
the time in the world.

So, are we gonna
do this every summer?

- Oh, yeah, we are.
- Of course we are, gentlemen.

Well, we're gonna try.

- Sweet car.
- It is sweet.

Where's Finch going?

- Stifler's mom.
- Hey, Finchy.

How did you know
I was here?

I called a couple
of weeks ago.

Didn't Steven tell you that
I was gonna drop by sometime?

I guess it, uh,
slipped his mind.

Hey, what's your name?

Jeanine.

Jeanine.
Okay, uh, well,

I've been thinking, and, you
know, I'm 19 years old.

There's a whole world out there. I
can't be obsessed with one woman.

Just can't be.

I'm glad you're
learning, Finchy.

Good.
Good.

You want to get it on?

You better clear
your schedule.

See you guys later.

Where are you goin', man?
What about Dog Years?

Uh, give me, like,
uh, three days.

Wait, was that...
Was that who I think...

- No.
- Yeah. Yeah!

- I think it was.
- I think so, too.

Son of a...

Who the hell was that?

That was, uh... That was...
Someone was lost.

- Lookin' for the lake.
- Yeah, all turned around.

What a dumb-ass.
The lake's right there.

Incredible. How does
Finch get so lucky?

Ah. What are you worried about?
You got a girlfriend now.

Everything in. Let's go. Pony up.
Dog Years awaits.

Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I do.

- I have a girlfriend now.
- Yeah, you do.

- She's my girlfriend.
- All right, Jimbo.

Let's go! Let's go!

- Hey, where's Shitbreak?
- The movies.

- Took the bus.
- Coffee.

Wait a second.

Who the fuck
was in that car?

Oh, Finchy,
I missed you.

- Yeah. Oh, God. Jeanine. Jeanine.
- Call me Stifler's mom.

Oh! Stifler's mom!