BBC Worlds Most Dangerous Roads movie

Dialogues and Scenario for BBC Worlds Most Dangerous Roads movie

Five billion kilometres of roads

network the planet.

Our desire to develop means new

routes are being forged through

increasingly difficult terrain.

Across arctic wilderness...

That was a game of chicken, there.

..over high mountain passes...

That's as big as a drop

as we've seen so far

..and through dense jungles.

Good work, very good work.

These roads may be a testament

to man's ingenuity,

but driving on them

requires skill...

I'm going to get out the car.

I can't bear it.

..stamina... Andy!

..and a steady nerve.

HORN BLARES

This programme

contains some strong language.

Good friends and fellow comedians

Ed Byrne and Andy Parsons

have teamed up

to drive across Siberia.

Quite a dicey bit, I'm starting to

get the willies, ever so slightly

Only one road crosses this vast

and inhospitable land,

the Kolyma Highway.

Built in the 1930s,

it claimed the lives of over

one million prisoners

during its construction, earning it

the name the Road Of Bones.

Keep it dead straight.

Dead straight.

Their aim is to reach

the coastal town of Magadan

known as the Gateway To Hell.

I mean, that is a complete whiteout.

The road they are taking has some of

the most brutal driving conditions

either of them

have ever encountered,

on one of the world's

most dangerous roads.

Ed and Andy start their journey in

the world's coldest city, Yakutsk.

Temperatures here rival those

deep inside the arctic circle.

It's a bone-chilling

minus 27 degrees Celsius,

and forecast to fall even lower.

First stop is one of Yakutsk's

many heated lock ups.

Not even cars can be left

out in the elements.

I'm guessing it's that one there.

Hello. Zdravstvujtye.

Ed. Andy. Sergei. Hi.

How old is this car, Sergei?

Is there anything we need

to know in regards to the engine

and the running of the car?

Fuel stops are few and far between,

so Sergei is showing them

how to refuel on the go.

OK. Wow, it's actually...

You've got to suck it.

How did it taste?

It's a bit...petroly.

That's a '94.

I just think it's going to be

an adventure,

a proper, old-school adventure.

The cold, I'm definitely

going to be nervous of the cold.

If we ever need to have a wee

in the snow, when its past minus 30,

you've got to keep spraying,

keep moving,

otherwise it's liable to freeze back

up towards your penis,

and nobody wants that, do they?

Later, Yakutsk!

We've known each other

some 17 years.

We haven't really gotten

on each other's nerves yet,

but I think this could be

the tester, this could be.

I think I could possible push him

right to the brink

of what is humanly possible to stand

from another person.

We are on the road.

Let's put it there.

Sorry, I should've smacked that.

It was nice to get a hold.

Rather than just hold your hand

like the end of Thelma & Louise.

Don't do it! Let's just keep going!

Let's just keep going!

Stretching almost half way

round the planet,

Russia remains one of the world's

true great wildernesses.

Nearly 5,000km east of Moscow

is the frozen city of Yakutsk.

And their route will take them

over 2,000km

to the coastal town of Magadan.

It's actually quite nice, this

stretch, the way it kind of wends

its way through the hills, isn't it?

Ed and Andy begin their journey

on the Kolyma Highway,

built to access the vast gold,

oil, and iron reserves,

buried deep inside

the Siberian mountains.

I say... Oi, it's quite

a nice bit, this,

where it wends its way.

You just keep your eyes on the road.

Today they have to cover over 300km

to reach their home for the night.

They'll be staying

with reindeer herders

high up in the mountains.

We'll be sleeping in a yurt tonight.

I have slept in a yurt before.

And how was it?

Was it a good experience?

No, it was a load of shit.

Is there not a Premier Inn nearby?

We'll light a fire. It'll be lovely.

You and I could cuddle up.

You and me could spoon. Spoon?!

I was trying to picture you and me

spooning in a yurt, you know...

You don't need to picture it,

it's going to happen in a matter

of hours, it'll be taking place.

I'm sleeping with the reindeer.

Ed's been behind the wheel

for the past six hours,

making good progress and they've

covered almost 200km.

This is quite a dicey bit,

I'm starting to get the willies,

ever so slightly.

That looks fairly sharp.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Shit!

They've come off the road

in the path of oncoming traffic.

Spotting their immediate danger,

passing drivers waste no time

and pull them out.

Thank you, thank you.

You weren't expecting the car

to do that either, were you?

No, mate.

I only passed my test

about three years ago.

Apparently he only

passed his test three years ago,

now he didn't actually tell me

that before we left the UK.

Had he told me that,

I might've asked for a slightly more

experienced co-driver.

Reindeer herders are traditionally

nomadic communities,

living in makeshift camps.

With no fixed address, Andy and Ed

have arranged to meet them

on the side of the road,

but they're not sure exactly where.

We should see them

in the next 20k, or so.

Yeah, so we're looking out.

But over 60km on,

and there's still no

sign of tonight's accommodation.

Let's not imagine all the things

that could go wrong here.

It could be you and I sleeping in our

4x4... Yeah.

..with the engine running all night.

I can see some lights ahead.

Yep, this could be our man.

This could be our contact,

our reindeer connection.

Let's get down here.

Let's have a look.

Cheers, fellas. Now, you go,

we'll follow you?

With the temperature now

well below minus 40,

they head out across

the frozen tundra

following their hosts for the night.

The Yakuts rely on reindeers

for their survival,

providing them

with transportation, shelter,

clothing, medicine and food.

Let's get in. Oh!

Ed.

Valentina. Valentina.

Oh, we're very late.

Yeah, sorry about that.

It's lucky we're having stew.

How do you decide which reindeer

you're going to eat of an evening?

Old reindeers who can no

longer pull a sledge?

I love your cutting skills, there.

I mean, that is a chunk and a half,

isn't it?

It's very good

Valentina runs the herd

with her four sons.

How many reindeer do you have?

A thousand? Is that considered

quite a large reindeer farm?

And you have done this

all your life?

So, tonight, we are supposed to be

staying in a yurt,

now you've probably heard

of "glamping" - glamorous camping.

Let me tell you this certainly

isn't "glurting".

This is the accommodation,

that is ice, this is my sleeping

beauty over here.

That is the toilet facility

for this evening.

Solids will just have to

wait for another day.

With the morning sun comes light

but no solace from the bitter cold.

It's minus 51.

So, last night was pretty horrific.

Turns out we were actually sleeping

in the kitchen of

the reindeer farmers.

So they were coming in every hour to,

in fact,

put on more logs onto the stove,

as you can probably see

a little bit of stove there.

So, in-between the massive heat

coming off the furnace,

and the ice on the side

of the yurt walls,

and the cars running continuously,

I was having massive anxiety dreams,

thinking that maybe I was going to be

boiled alive,

or frozen to death, or run over.

Before the 1930s,

there were no roads in Siberia.

The only way to cross this vast

and inaccessible land

was on sledges pulled by reindeer.

Zdravstvujtye.

You have some good looking reindeer

and some fine looking sleds,

can we have a go?

This one has only one horn.

OK, it's perfectly natural.

He's not the crazy one

We don't have to worry. Get on him.

Take it away, Ed.

Oh, we're off!

Oh, my goodness me.

Here we go. Crikey!

We didn't really know exactly what

was going to happen,

and the next thing you know,

he jumps on me.

And I was like, "Oh, OK.

We're friends now, are we?"

Wow, look at this!

Mine's having a poo!

Mine is having a poo!

It was good, it wasn't as bumpy

or as fast

as I thought it was going to be,

but my penis froze, I think.

The next settlement on the highway

is Khandyga,

first established to build

the Road Of Bones.

Carved out of the mountain side

by gangs of prisoners,

the road is remarkable, not only for

the sheer scale of its engineering,

but also for the cruelty

and inhumanity

that was carried out

during its construction.

In the 1930s, the discovery of gold

in the mountainous interior

of Siberia

prompted dictator Joseph Stalin

to set up a network of forced labour

camps known as gulags

to construct a road to access

the region's precious resources.

Arriving in Khandyga,

Ed and Andy meet up with Sergei,

a local history enthusiast.

So, these are all gulags,

these are all sites of gulags?

Far east territory.

And so that is the Road of Bones?

From Khandyga to Magadan. Yes.

So, it's basically...

the road is a mass grave?

And can you tell us, in total,

how many people actually died?

A million people died?!

It's a very sobering thought

that the people that built this road

probably died doing it,

and you're actually rolling over

a testament to slavery

and imprisonment.

So, can you tell us,

what sort of things did people

actually get sent to the gulags for?

And is it right that you could just

tell a joke against Stalin,

maybe to a friend, and if somebody

overheard the joke

that was enough to send you away

to the gulag in Siberia?

I'm guessing a stand-up comedian

never existed in Stalin's time.

Even if you got one joke

and told that to somebody,

that was enough,

and not only was it if you

told a joke -

whoever heard the joke,

anybody who was related to you over

any period of time,

anybody could be done.

All over the world, there are

people, even today,

who can't do

what we've taken for granted

being able to do for a long time.

We can make jokes about

our government

and jokes about our leaders

and it really doesn't matter.

After Stalin's death in 1953,

the majority of the Gulag camps

were closed,

the inmates left

to fend for themselves.

With nowhere to go,

many decided to stay,

their former prison

became their homes.

Kyubyume, is that right?

Kyubyume, yeah.

Completely deserted.

I wonder... like, the fact that

people stayed

after it stopped being a gulag,

and then they turned it into a town,

how bad did life get then as a town

that they finally decided to leave?

Yeah. Do you fancy having

a little walk round?

I think we ought.

You go first, Ed.

That's an old projector.

That is a projector.

Is it a cinema?

It's an old cinema, maybe.

It must be, this must be

the old projection room.

That is incredible -

somebody's cut it all up,

didn't like what was in there.

It's an old episode

of Have I Got News For You.

It'd be really cool if I could

identify what film it was

but I can't see anything.

Let's go round into the cinema bit.

OK, Ed.

I wonder if it doubled

as a theatre, as well,

You going to do me

a quick five minutes, Ed?

Hey, anybody here from Khandyga.

Yeah, we know what you guys do with

reindeers, yeah, am I right?

Am I right?

Tough crowd.

There's something really eerie about

deserted places, it's just horrible.

If the sun wasn't shining, this would

be particularly scary, wouldn't it?

Yeah, I'm not a man

who believes in ghosts

but I wouldn't really fancy

hanging around here at night.

No, a town built on an old

gulag that is now deserted, grim.

It's a horror story waiting to

happen, isn't it? Let's get out.

Ed and Andy have reached the only

junction on the Kolyma Highway,

for the first time

they have a choice of routes.

They can either take a short cut

along the old road

which heads directly east -

it's a less travelled route

and the conditions

are notoriously unpredicatble -

or they can continue

on the modern highway,

but this is an extra day's drive

further north

and adds over 500km

to their journey.

It's, sort of, make-your-mind-up

time, isn't it?

Because this is the old road.

And we've just passed the sign

to the new road that goes north

to the gold mines

and is the longer route round.

But the safer route, the longer,

safer, easier route.

So, which route are we going to take?

What do you think? The short one

to the coldest place on Earth.

It's a no brainer. A, it's shorter.

Yeah. And B, it's more exciting

because we get to visit the coldest

inhabited place on Earth.

We're not going to miss out on that,

are we? No, no.

Right, let's do the old road.

This is a very different

sort of road, isn't it?

The snow is freshly packed,

it's much narrower, all single lane.

Guess it'll save us 500k

but it could cost us.

It could cost us one Nissan Safari.

Whoa, Andy! Hang on.

WHOA! Just... foot off the gas.

Did the verge just get

a bit too soft there?

I don't know, it suddenly lost

the wheel on the right hand side.

But I will keep the speed down a bit.

Andy and Ed are aiming

to reach Tomtor by nightfall.

Along with its sister town Oymyakon,

they both claim the title of the

coldest inhabited place on Earth.

In such extreme conditions,

monitoring the weather is vital.

Siberia has

over 2000 weather stations,

and the boys arrive as Sergei is

sending through his latest report.

In the time you've been here,

what's the lowest

temperature you've seen recorded?

So, there is a competition

between Oymyakon

and Tomtor

as to which is the coldest.

What is the answer?

OK, Oymyakon,

that's the champion.

I wonder if a town or settlement

holds the record as being the

coldest inhabited place on Earth,

do you reckon its inhabitants

also hold the record

for the most bloody minded

people on Earth?

"I'm living here.

I don't care how cold it is."

Andy and Ed have made it Oymyakon.

Life in the coldest inhabited

place on Earth

presents a unique set of problems.

Locals have come up with some

ingenious solutions.

Some cows on the right

hand side, there.

Indeed. Hello, ladies.

Oh, look at that! One's got a little

contraption round it,

warming up its bits.

Did you see that, back up now.

Have a look. What?

This one has got a jock strap.

It's a bra!

It's a bra over the udders.

That is something else, isn't it?

It's not the most aesthetically

pleasing bra, though, is it?

It does look like a thong,

doesn't it?

It does, it is weird to think

all the cows we've ever seen

are topless,

this is the first decent cows

you and I have ever witnessed.

You certainly realise

just how wanton and disgusting

the cows back home are.

Hi, are these your cows?

And tell us exactly

what are they wearing?

And is it a matter of personal pride

that you live in the coldest

inhabited place on Earth?

Have you ever thought of moving

40 km to Tomtor

because it's a little bit warmer?

Nyet.

It's colder than I could've

comprehended.

You feel it on your face,

but you're wrapped up against it

and you're all right for about ten

or fifteen minutes.

You can go out into it

for short bursts

and then you can slowly but surely

feel your core temperature

start to drop

and you know you have

to get back inside.

It does feel like a very

hostile environment.

Arriving in Tomtor, they're parking

up in a heated garage,

and for the first time in four days

they can finally switch

the engine off.

Sleep tight.

We've done about half

of the old road.

We've got 320km to complete tomorrow

to finish off the old road.

Apparently this is the tricky

part of the road -

the locals don't do it they use the

new road,

which we decided

we weren't going to do,

apparently quite a lot of snow

would have been blown by the wind,

the locals reckon, which would've

covered certain bits of the road

so you can't even tell it's the road.

Some of the bridges have not been

maintained since the 1930s or '40s

so it's certainly a challenge.

If you are looking behind me

thinking I'm in a wood - no.

That's just the Russians

idea of a cracking bit of wallpaper.

Tomtor marks the last

settlement on the old road.

Now out of town, they will need

to be totally self-sufficient.

Try not to hit any potholes,

I've got coffee in my hand.

That could be going in your lap.

There could be a court case coming.

I'm telling you!

This coffee is OK.

Today will not be a bad day.

This coffee is a good omen.

Lovely.

Now.

Have you burnt yourself?

No, it's fine, it's OK.

I'll be all right,

just think of the mission.

We've a long day of driving

ahead of us so we can't dawdle.

No, we're not quite sure how long.

All we know is we've either

got to get there or turn back.

There's nothing in between, is there?

How will we?

Do you think it's a bit premature

to work out how we'll celebrate

this evening?

And do you think

it will involve vodka?

I sincerely hope so.

Here we go, this looks like...

Oh, no. It's just a big dip.

Maybe,

let's have a look at it first.

Yeah, it looks fine, doesn't it?

Whoa, fuck!

Sorry about that, mate.

That's all right, mate.

Can you reverse? We'll be all right.

OK, that's just spinning.

We'll try a bit of forward back,

forward back. OK.

I would say that is well

and truly stuck, wouldn't you?

Maybe if we put the whats-the-name,

the differential lock on,

we might be able to do it,

put it in, you know,

low 4-wheel drive.

Yeah?

Ed, shall we tear those

branches off to get it out?

Do you think that's going to help?

Well, it's blocked on this side,

at the moment,

so we're not going to go

forward there.

OK, I need to sort my boots out.

You all right, mate? Yep.

You get back in and I'll see how it

looks from out here. OK.

Numpty.

Put it in second

and see what happens.

Second?

Second, and just see what happens.

OK, here we go,

there we go.

There we go!

OK, we have to go, we have to go.

So, another dip coming up.

Take this one quite gently,

if that's all right with you, Ed?

I would be more than happy.

The gentler you take this,

the happier I'll be.

OK, Ed, here we go, good luck us!

Look at that! Smooth as!

Got to be happy with that,

haven't you? Absolutely.

This is a bridge, Ed.

Ed and Andy have reached

the Indigirka River,

the only way across

is over a 180m bridge.

It's a big old bridge

Built by gulag

prisoners in the late '30s,

the devastatingly frigid conditions

have taken their toll.

The snow covers years of neglect.

You seen this bit here, Ed?

You can see all the way down.

That's not very encouraging, is it?

It's not great, is it?

Somebody's put a blank across it,

by the looks of it to protect it.

Let's hope it stays.

See, the edges of the bridge

have come away, here.

They've just rotted down. Yup.

I don't want to be a nervous Nelly

or a pessimist

but it doesn't seem very safe.

Can't we just stay here

and admire the view?

We've got to get off,

let's just do it. Yeah?

No, I'm not happy with it

but I think we ought to do it

because we don't really

have any choice. OK.

Ed will walk ahead, guiding Andy

and their two-ton 4x4 across.

Just keep it dead straight,

keep it dead straight!

I can actually feel the bridge

bending, ever so slightly.

There's another massive hole, there.

There's a bit of a bodge

repair job, there.

What's going on there Ed?

It's the newest part of the bridge,

we can rely on it.

But Ed is very skinny

so it's a slight difference between

having Ed Byrne jump on something

and having a car go across it.

Ed's across, I'm across.

Thank you!

Thank you, very much!

There was our first rickety bridge.

The first of many, I'm sure.

These tracks have got narrower

and narrower, haven't they?

We haven't seen anybody

going in either direction.

This is not a well-used road.

It's definitely fair to say that if

it's like this for too much longer we

haven't got a hope, have we?

I'm hoping we're going to get

through this bit of mountain

and come down the other side.

Over five hours behind the wheel

and they've only covered 80km.

Oh, dear.

Nothing's happening, is it?

No. They're not even spinning.

There's just nothing's happening.

It's not looking good, mate.

What is happening

with the rear wheels?

This one's spinning,

and the one on the left hand side

isn't doing anything at all.

We're in deep. Yeah.

So, we have to get under the vehicle

and dig under the vehicle. OK?

It's minus 36.

At this temperature,

Andy and Ed must be back in the car

within twenty minutes,

or they will risk hypothermia.

Let me know if you find a bone.

That is a horrible thought!

Again, you want to try

rocking the vehicle?

Yeah, OK. See what you can do

by pushing it from the front.

Nah. I'm not moving it. It's not

going to do anything, is it?

All right, mate, go for it.

No. Let's just try reversing,

let's get all the rocks

and put them behind the wheels.

One of the first signs of cold

taking hold is frostbite -

as the blood vessels under the skin

start to freeze

causing irreparable damage.

Hands, ears and nose

are the most vulnerable.

Do you want to just give me

a quick buddy check?

My nose is feeling pretty cold.

You want me to check your nose?

Yeah, just a quick check of my nose,

no white?

I'm not talking about bogeys.

No, you're all right, you're red.

Let's give it a whirl.

I'll stand to the side just in case.

Yeah, you're getting somewhere.

Yeah, it's good.

It's good, mate. Yeah, come on.

Is it moving?

Yes, straight back, straight back,

yeah, good, good keep going!

That'll do!

That's great.

It's great. It's cool.

Put it there, buddy.

Do you want to drive?

I'm happy to have a little go.

This has stopped being fun, now.

I think we're all good, mate.

Let's take it slowly.

Having spent hours driving

in the most extreme terrain,

they've covered just 160km,

with another 80 to go.

Come on, you bastard!

Come on!

I'm now of the opinion

that there is absolutely no point

in going on, mate.

I think our chances of getting

to our destination are zilch.

Shit!

I thought we were going to do it.

What it feels like right now is -

if you imagine you've spent

you know, four or five hours

constructing a beautiful model

out of matchsticks

and then you're dad came in

and just stepped on it.

The sun is about to

go behind that mountain.

We don't want to be stuck here in

the dark. Take it away.

They've got no choice

but to turn around and return the

160km back to Tomtor

for a second night.

Yeah, we're very disappointed.

You never want to go back, do you?

We tried hard

and I'm just sad

we've not been able to make it.

It's like trying to push water

uphill, trying to drive in this.

It's beyond the skills of someone

who only passed his test

three years ago.

So, we're back in Tomtor.

When we arrived here last night,

I was delighted to see the place -

warm beds,

our own flushing toilet,

the chance to have a bath,

Tomtor was a sight for sore eyes

yesterday.

Coming here again today

feels really depressing.

When we made the decision

to turn round,

I really felt sick,

although that might have been

the amount of carbon monoxide

I breathed in,

whilst trying to dig the car out

Having failed to make

it on the old road,

they must now double back 180km

to where the old road

re-joins the highway.

From there it's another 155km

through the Chersky mountain range

to the gold mining town

of Ust' Nera.

It's well passed midday by the time

they reach an all too familiar spot.

Shall we take the old road or shall

we take the new road?

What do you think?

Well, my feeling is that we're

probably better off on the new road.

I think it's more reliable. It seems

like the more sensible thing to do.

We'll only get depressed

if we don't make it. Yeah.

I reckon let's go on the new road and

it may take us a little bit longer

but we get a chance to go Ust' Nera.

Because the last thing

we want is to head off from here

and find ourselves back

here in the exact same place, ooh,

some 48 hours later

with nothing to show for it.

We'd be depressed about that. Yeah.

This way, going on the new road,

it's apparently a mining town,

and we all know how beautiful

heavy industry can make a town.

Yeah, that's sounds like a plan.

Shall we do it? Yeah, let's do it.

This newer section

of the Kolyma highway

was upgraded in 2008

with new bridges

and a paved surface.

The road will take them over

1,000 feet into the Chersky range.

Mountains that have some of the

largest gold deposits in the world.

That's pretty spectacular.

Not bad, at all, is it?

We wouldn't have seen that if we'd

have made it on the old road.

What, the sun?

I don't mean the sun,

I meant that vista.

The trees? Those mountains.

We weren't seeing no mountains

yesterday ,were we?

We were seeing some. They weren't as

spectacular a view as that, though.

It's very impressive. I'm just trying

to look on the bright side.

I'm enjoying it.

I'm trying to keep my eyes

on the road at the same time.

You keep your eyes on the road.

I'll admire the view.

You describe it to me.

I'll try not to get over excited

It's really quite something.

We haven't seen this level of icing

on the trees until now, have we?

No. Even though we've possibly been

colder than this.

It certainly gives the Scottish

Highlands a run for their money.

The mountains are remote

and exposed.

There are no settlements

or fuel stops

for another 100km.

How we doing for fuel, then?

I was hoping you wouldn't

ask me that,

the light hasn't actually come on

but it's about to,

I don't want to...

we have to refuel before the

engine konks out or otherwise the

engine will freeze, so,

we should probably think about

making a stop

and sticking some diesel in

Fair enough.

So, were we thinking that whoever

done the most heinous

driving crime so far should

take a sup of fuel for the team?

We did say that, but...

..that would mean I'm the one who

has to do the sucking, doesn't it?

Well, I think that's probably why

I've remembered that agreement.

I have a feeling had it been me,

I'd be less keen to have remembered

what we'd agreed.

Right.

Which end you fancy?

I'll do this end, yeah.

OK, this ends going in.

I've got a great view from up here.

Warm up the throat.

It's like if it was clear,

you could see it coming. Yeah.

I think you might hear it

and smell it.

Pretty smooth,

is that definitely going?

Absolutely, it's filling.

Blimey, how much you get?

Only a tiny bit. Yeah?

It doesn't even taste that bad.

That Galloping Knight

from Wetherspoons

tastes much the same, does it?

Yep, yep, we are full.

Lovely. Good work.

It does smell of diesel in here,

now, doesn't it?

It does, I don't want to get

too close to you.

Isn't sucking diesel some

sort of Irish phrase?

Yeah, for now you're cooking with

gas, now you're doing well.

Now you're sucking diesel.

Now you're motoring.

You were sucking diesel

now we're motoring.

Yeah.

Ust' Nera city limits. Yep.

This gold mining town

was established in the 1950s

as a gulag camp to house prisoners

forced to work the town's gold mine.

Look at that!

Have you ever had the most beautiful

drive of your life

and then felt a need for balance?

Ust' Nera, twinned with Port Talbot.

With temperatures

averaging below minus 40,

life in such a cold climate

depends on heat.

A central coal fired boiler house

warms the whole town -

pumping out heat through a web

of raised pipes

that crisscross the frozen streets

to every home.

Hello and welcome to what's

apparently the finest hotel

in Ust' Nera.

And I've decided to have a bath

so I started running the bath

and this is what it looks like.

That's...

That's inviting, isn't it?

That's like where the blood coming

out of the taps scene

in Amityville Horror came from.

I think I am still

going to have a bath, though.

Right, let's get out of here.

If we never have to come here

again, it'll be too soon.

Look at that, the mist is covering

the beauty of Ust' Nera.

Ust' Nera - it looks

better in the fog.

Ed and Andy are now on the final

stage of their journey.

From Ust' Nera they are heading

South for another 750km

to the end of the highway

at the coastal town of Magadan.

The road here is good, but with that

comes an increase in traffic,

colossal trucks hauling materials

between the mines in the north

and the ports in the south

dominate the road.

He's a big fella, isn't he?

Yeah, and a bit on our side

of the road, as well.

This vital transport link

must be kept open all year round,

and to do that requires

some serious kit.

This is amazing, isn't it?

This is what keeps

the whole road running.

Look at this thing!

You wouldn't want to get your car

in front of this one, do you?

That is massive.

It's one and a half our height.

Snowplough hospital.

Yeah, dobre dein, dobre dein, Andy.

Valera. Andy. Valera. Ed, hey.

Do you drive these

as well as fix them?

And what are they like to drive?

I'd say it must be very exciting

driving such a big machine.

We are driving

from Yakutsk to Magadan.

It's supposed to be

quite a dangerous road,

what advice do you have for us

on the Kolyma highway?

That's a great proverb!

So, the advice is if we see a lorry,

and it's a big old one,

they've only got eyes for themselves

looking straight ahead,

pull over and let them pass.

Let's just hang on here, I think.

Take it easy.

The road has many steep hills

and vicious corners,

and when heavily loaded

these mega trucks give way

for no-one.

Braking on such icy roads

is next to impossible.

We are on a proper, narrow,

high bit, here.

We really, really don't want to meet

anything coming the other way, now.

Whoooooooaaah! You OK?

Wah-hey! I thought you were just

mucking me, for a minute.

No, you could just feel the whole

thing just drifting offline.

The sooner we're off this

stretch of road the better.

Russia has one of the largest road

fatality rates in the world,

with over 30,000 deaths

in 2011, alone.

I've also noticed, I don't know

if you've seen them,

there's various gravestones

at the side of the road

and the Russian tradition seems to be

to put the steering wheel of the car

next to the gravestone,

and that seems slightly...

It seems distasteful, doesn't it?

Well, it does.

Because you're wondering whether,

maybe, the steering wheel

was to blame for the actual crash

in the first place.

Yeah, it does seem a little

bit distasteful, I think.

A bit like putting a toilet

seat on Elvis Presley's grave.

Yeah, or 700 burgers.

Oh, yeah, I can see a little,

can you see something on there?

It's quite extensive.

There's a town up there.

Once the home to over 10,000 people,

Kadykchan now lies abandoned.

On the right hand side,

it looks like you could be in some

third world war zone, doesn't it?

Dependent on the heating provided

from the town's boiler house,

Kadykchan's fate was sealed

when it failed,

causing all the pipe-work

to freeze and burst.

With no heating,

everyone was forced to leave.

You know like that Japanese prisoner

of war who didn't give up

until 1970s or whatever, do you

think there might be one person

who's still living here?

Who's going,

"No, I'm never moving."

I'm not keen to get stuck

in the snow here, Ed.

Today the boys are aiming to cover

the 320km

to the coastal town of Magadan,

which marks the end

of the Kolyma Highway

and the end of their journey.

So, our final day

and it's snowing for the first time.

And there is good news

and there is bad news with snow.

The bad news is that it

makes the conditions on the road

more treacherous.

It makes the visibility lower.

The good news?

The good news is it's very pretty

The road remains open for now,

but a severe weather warning

has been issued.

Isn't there a Ranulph Fiennes

quote like that there's no such...

Thing as bad weather,

just inappropriate clothing.

Did you not want me

to finish the quote?

I don't think it's Ranulph Fiennes.

I think it's wrongly attributed.

I'm pretty certain

it's Ranulph Fiennes,

it would have been nice to complete

it, though, wouldn't it?

I'm sorry. This is what happens when

travelling with you for ten days,

is that you start

completing my sentences.

I read you like a book,

Andy Parsons.

I already know what you're thinking.

Out of the shelter of the town,

Andy and Ed are quickly hit

by the full ferocity

of a Siberian snowstorm.

What do you reckon visibility

is at the moment?

It's not even 50 metres, is it?

I mean, that is a complete whiteout.

Some of this is now just

guesswork

as to where exactly the side of the

road is, isn't it?

You don't want to be meeting

a lorry come the other way

at the same time, do you?

Wey!

Are you trying to...?

He was holding the middle lane.

That was a game of chicken,

right there.

He was not getting out of the way.

You know that once you they go past

it, you won't be able to see

anything for a few yards.

What happened to that Russian

proverb, the slower you go

the faster you'll get there,

what happened to that?

What's horrible is, when you get a

whiteout,

you want to just stop completely

but then there's a chance

somebody from behind will crash

into the back of you,

so, you've got to keep going,

even though you can't see anything.

We've got a taste of just how

horrible this place can be.

Even on the widest, most

well maintained part of the road.

Here we go,

the sign we've been looking forward

to for 2000 kilometres.

Magadan! Magadan!

For the last 10 days,

Andy and Ed have driven the full

length of the Kolyma highway.

right to the end of the road

to the port town of Magadan.

Founded as a transit centre

in the early '30s for prisoners

being sent to labour camps,

it also marked the way

home for the lucky few

that survived their sentence.

I've never seen a frozen sea before.

Every day really has been

an adventure,

we've seen a part of Russia that

most Russians haven't even seen.

You know, we've seen absolute

wilderness,

as well as really ugly

gold mine towns.

So, it's been an absolute adventure.

Ho-ho! Oh!

Congratulations.

Well done, sir, well done.

Very fine work. Good work.

Maybe a little chest bump, perhaps?

Eh! Why not! There we go.

I would definitely do it all again,

going to the coldest inhabited place

on Earth

that's something...

you're going be able to talk about

that for some time.

2,500km completed.

Yeah.

I think, considering I've only been

driving for three years,

and it feels like most of that has

been in the last ten days,

I think I've done pretty well.

I'm quite pleased with myself.

Part of me doesn't want it to be

over. We should go a little bit

further.

You want me to drive,

with you, off some ice? Shall we?

Let's keep going,

let's not stop, keep going.

And that is Alaska over there.

Let's face it. Shall we keep going?

Let's keep going.

Come on, then.

For me it was the dream team.

As it's gone on we've grown together,

I thought for a moment

on the last day

we were actually going to get it

together

but it's not happened

but I'll definitely miss him

and I hope he writes.

We've had whiteouts,

we've had wipe-outs,

we've had to dig ourselves

out of holes.

We've dug ourselves out of holes,

we got a little bit of frost nip

on the nose.

Somebody did. Somebody did.

Not my good strong Irish nose.

Your weak-arsed, West country nose

got frost nip.

Five billion kilometres of roads

network the planet.

Everywhere, new routes

are being forged

through increasingly

difficult terrain.

Ooh!

Across arctic wilderness...

That was a game of chicken

right there.

..over high mountain passes...

That's as big a drop

as we've seen so far.

..and through dense jungles.

Good work, very good work.

These roads may be a testament

to man's ingenuity,

but driving on them

requires skill...

I'm going to get out the car.

I can't bear it.

..stamina...

Andy!

..and a steady nerve.

This programme contains

some strong language

Comedian and broadcaster Sue Perkins

is teaming up with the actress

and presenter Liza Tarbuck

to take on the Ho Chi Minh Trail,

a road that became famous

during the Vietnam War.

Jesus Christ!

Whoa!

Still littered

with unexploded bombs,

they'll tackle the most remote

and inaccessible parts of the trail.

I'm aware of UXB-ing,

so, you know what I mean? Yep.

Round that way, darling.

The road will take them

on rough jungle tracks...

A sign there said Death Falls

this way.

..across raging rivers...

You all right? Yup.

Just need to get right

to the river.

..and through swampy, sticky mud.

Every mile hemmed in by tons

of lethal explosives.

THEY SHOUT

1,300km along

one of the most infamous

and perilous roads in the world.

This is dangerous, actually. The

bombs are very near the road here.

Liza and Sue

know each other socially,

but they've never been in such

close proximity as they will be

over the next ten days.

They begin their journey in Vinh,

a city that was completely

obliterated by American bombing.

I guess what I really

know about this area

is what I've seen on television

and possibly represented

by Hollywood films.

I first met Liza in Holloway Prison

for Naughty Ladies,

we were both doing a six-year stretch

and she, yeah, she ruled the roost.

Hi!

Welcome to our home!

Am I intimidated by it?

No, I don't think I am, actually.

You know,

neither Sue nor I are idiots.

I think it'll be a lot of fun,

and she has the best breasts

in show business.

Amazing, even better than

Chris Moyles. Best breasts.

Let's just do it.

Let's get on the trail.

I was really hoping

she was going to drive.

Their first hurdle

is Vinh's rush-hour traffic.

Go, go, go.

Bit of UK intent for you,

right there.

Now get behind this bike.

He's going a nice, steady pace.

Vietnam has a population

of 80 million people

and 40 million motorbikes.

The result is traffic chaos

and 30 road deaths every day.

Not a fact that seems

to faze the girls.

Good horn work.

Here comes Susan.

Back off, pink hat.

# King of the road

# Trailer for sale... #

Sue and Liza begin their journey

in Vietnam

before following

the Ho Chi Minh Trail into Laos.

They'll continue driving south,

but the further they go, the worse

the road conditions will become.

The last stage of their journey will

take them back over the border

into Vietnam to finish on the

beaches of the South China Sea.

It's weird, being just

sort of five minutes out of the city

and there's just paddy fields.

I did that too fast and I actually

ate my own breasts for a second.

Vietnam is one of the world's

biggest exporters of rice.

Every year, over 10 million

worth goes to the USA.

How do they feel about America?

Have you got a bit of a clue

on that?

Is there a general feeling?

I mean, you know,

you wouldn't feel great.

You know what, I don't think I would,

if, 40 years ago,

someone had napalmed London

or any part of the UK.

Well, we're still in living memory.

HORN HONKS

Well handled. That was interesting.

Yes, wasn't it?

The Vietnam War between

the communist North Vietnamese

and the American-backed

South Vietnamese lasted 19 years.

It ended in 1975

with over 2 million dead,

victory for the communist North

and defeat for the Americans.

Two hours down the road,

Sue and Lisa are approaching

Dong Loc,

one of the main junctions

on the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

During the war, this was a target

for American bombers.

Today it's a place of national pride

and mourning.

Look at that lovely, lovely temple.

He was going at a lick, wasn't he?

This is a shrine, not a motorway.

A roadside stall is selling

offerings for the remembered dead.

Please may I have one of these

or do I take two of these?

We take two,

we want one each and burn them.

A couple of these.

Do you want to burn a mobile phone?

No, not particularly.

I'd sooner do that

in a sort of what-I-know

kind of level,

and perhaps some chrysanthemums.

So, I guess this is where

we burn our sparklers.

Hello. Do you speak English?

Yes. Hi, there.

We were wondering what we should do

with all these things

to be respectful.

So, you pray and then you burn

everything. Yeah. OK. OK.

Everything on top? Yeah.

The incense smells amazing.

This one,

the flowers, you put on here.

So, what does it say up there,

please?

Thousands of bombs

were dropped on the road,

but 30% of them failed to explode.

It was the job of women to mark

the unexploded bombs with flags,

and in 1968, ten young women

were tragically killed here

while trying to keep the road open.

So, to Westerners it's quite odd

that some of the things you burn

are mobile phones and sunglasses,

this is all because

in the next life...

I genuinely didn't know

how to feel about that.

It seems very, very alien.

I felt like I didn't know what to do.

And in that situation

I feel really disrespectful

because I don't want to be seen

to be mocking it, and I'm not.

It's culturally so kind of confusing

to take up these stacks

of fake money,

and I didn't know the form.

That's why all worship is a bit

confusing if it's not your thing.

HORN HONKS

Sorry, I cannot... Oh, man.

You all right? Well done.

RSPCA that!

Think that was a slight education

for all of us, including the pup.

It's good, though,

driving here, your brain

is fully left and right activated.

Yeah.

It's just things come out

from the jungle either side.

Different concentration.

Buffalo, cats, dogs,

farmers, all sorts.

The most remote

and challenging sections of the road

lie across the border

in neighbouring Laos,

and that is where Sue

and Liza are now heading.

This is just heaven.

It's magic, it really is magic.

So, these plugs of limestone

have popped up,

and then what's fallen away

in between them?

So, limestone,

you've got these fissures,

so the rain gets in and it breaks it

away in these sort of sheer faces.

The Truong Son mountain range

forms a natural boundary

between the two countries,

and they have to climb up through

heavily forested mountains

to reach the border.

Amazing that we've just gone

one mountain in,

and it's already

so visually different.

Yeah. You get a sense of what

Laos' going to be like now.

During the war,

the road was extended

by the North Vietnamese into Laos.

It became a vital route for arms

and ammunition going south.

So, this is the Laos border,

and I'm officially, by about six,

seven feet, in another country.

We left Vietnam,

we had to change cars,

because you can't take

those cars into this country.

We'll use these until we get

back down to the Vietnam border

later on in the journey.

I don't know what to expect

for the next few days,

but nobody said

it's going to be easy.

Laos is a far poorer

country than Vietnam,

and it's immediately obvious

from the condition of the roads.

It's just gone from nice highway

to red, dusty track, hasn't it?

As soon as you go over the border,

it changes.

I guess there isn't

the money for it, is there?

At the border, the road is forced

through a narrow gap

in the mountains

called the Mu Gia Pass.

The road became so effective during

the war that it was here in 1966

that the US launched the biggest

bombing mission since World War II.

You can see all the blast marks

in the rock up there.

This feels properly

like an adventure now.

I'm sort of so bewildered

by the landscape.

It's so beautiful, it's hard

to concentrate on the road,

but the beauty is so undercut

by sadness all the time.

It's so peaceful.

You just hear the frogs and the

crickets and the birds, nothing else.

And just sitting in this

landscape now, you'd have no clue

that just a few decades ago this

was the most bombed place on earth.

That it was just a channel

through which endless fighter planes

dropped ordnance

that smashed into the rocks,

that burnt all the foliage

to nothing.

They even thought about nuking

the whole place.

Just a basin of horror,

and the reason they were doing

all this

and the reason they flew through

this landscape

is because of that aperture

you can see in the distance.

All the trucks, all the soldiers,

everything had to go through

that pass.

Morning rush hour

on the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

Sue and Liza are now

in a Buddhist country,

and getting a blessing

from a local monk

is meant to ensure their safety

on the road ahead.

MONK CHANTS RITUALLY

OK, welcome to Laos.

Got the soggiest pants

in Southeast Asia right now.

It's like we're on a ship.

CHANTING RESUMES

Do you know, I feel

really honoured about that.

That was really lovely.

I just didn't bank on getting

quite as wet as I have.

HORN BLARES

In the coming days, they'll need

all the help they can get.

The Ho Chi Minh Trail has hundreds

of river crossings,

and Sue and Liza are about

to confront their first big one.

Right, Sue, this looks like

it might be quite fierce.

I've never crossed a river in a car.

This is going to be excellent.

A sort of a mini-Niagara going on.

What's making me laugh is this

is the shallow pool and then

you've got the deep pool

where the grown-ups are,

unless the water buffalo

have suddenly got this small.

Right. I think we can do it,

no problem.

This fella, look,

he's doing it on the bike.

They're doing it on a boat, look!

Into first, that's it.

Right, good luck.

Really strong current.

Yeah, you can do it,

I know you can do it.

Oooh!

It knocked my bloody...

I'm cured, I'm cured!

My god, it's knocked

some sense into me.

I feel alive again!

THEY LAUGH

I'm starving and I think I've

probably got a bit of sunstroke.

I've got away with it,

apart from the tops of my ears.

I, actually, am rocking

quite a good look,

I don't think I've ever

looked this good.

H-O-T doesn't even cover it.

Hot doesn't even cover it.

Look at those two,

they look fabulous, don't they?

Marvellous.

Well, I like the look

of this village.

These villages once bore

the brunt of heavy bombing,

and it's left them

with some challenging recycling.

To be honest, if I came across

a load of bombs,

I'd either run like a girl

and/or wee myself.

I wouldn't think, "Here's an interior

design opportunity,"

which is what the people of Laos

seem to have done.

It's Grand Designs

in a military vein.

Because what they've done is they've

taken all the ordnance

they could find,

once it's been defused,

and they've just adapted it to

improve their living conditions.

So you've got cluster bombs here,

which are providing shade.

I've also seen cluster bombs

which have been used as stilts,

so are supporting the building.

But everywhere you go,

there's invention.

See the old use with things

like this for your pig?

You've got the feed for the pig,

this big old boy here. I've got

nothing for you, mate.

I'm sorry.

He's lovely looking, isn't he?

Very handsome.

And then up there, you've got

some growing out of an old bomb.

The war ended nearly

four decades ago,

but there are still people in these

villages that lived through it.

Mr Pong, lovely to meet you, sir.

Do you remember when you were a boy

when they started to use,

the Vietnamese started to use

the Ho Chi Minh Trail?

And how did the geography change?

For example, we've got

the mountains in the background,

and I imagine that they were all

changed with the bombing, too?

There's very little land

that's safe to farm,

so people here risk collecting

ordnance for scrap.

Some even hoard live bombs

beneath their homes.

Since the war ended,

20,000 people in Laos

have been killed

by unexploded bombs.

Even now,

between 200 and 400 people,

most of them children, lose their

lives to UXBs every year.

The roadside accommodation

is proving to be interesting.

It seems it's not just

bed and breakfast on offer.

That looks like a brothel to me.

Yeah, it's a Christmas-themed

brothel.

It's a grotto brothel.

Yeah, Santa's own whorehouse.

Oh, look at that, come on in.

The fairy lights are up,

the grog's on the go,

the rice wine with

the deer hoof is ready.

Come and brothel it up in here.

This part of Laos had no roads

connecting the villages before

the Ho Chi Minh Trail was built.

Now the road is central

to village life.

Just days into their journey,

Sue and Liza seem to have settled

into their respective roles.

Darling, I've done your washing.

Would you like me to hang it out

in the back of the car?

If you could. OK. I'm just doing

some basic car mechanics.

And then what I thought I'd do is

I'd sort of mitre off some wood.

OK. And create a nice bench seat

for us.

I have a herb rack. Have you?

I'll be right back.

Take care.

It really doesn't work like that.

Right, for those people who don't

know much about a car engine,

you've got your brake snake there,

you've got a couple of litres

of cola there.

That's wi-fi there.

Liza's drying her smalls in that.

Clearing Laos' unexploded bombs

didn't start until the 1990s,

and today only a tiny fraction

of its land has been made safe.

Markers by the roadside are used

to signify the level of risk,

and red means danger.

This is dangerous, actually. The

bombs are very near the road here,

which, of course,

was the point, wasn't it?

Jesus Christ!

Please stay in the middle.

In the middle.

Four decades later, some of the very

people who tried to destroy

the Ho Chi Minh Trail

are returning to it.

Interesting that they've

come back, actually,

so there's obviously something within

them. Well, we'll find out, I guess.

Well, wouldn't you want to come

back, though? I would. Yeah.

Do they come back

because they feel guilty?

Do they come back because they want

to connect to their past?

Because it makes it all right

for them?

In the East they do pilgrimages,

don't they?

And I think it's about that.

That they need to put some things

to bed

and learn some things along

the journey and honour their chums.

Sue and Liza have heard

of two American veterans

here to meet up

with their old enemies.

Roger Van Dyken and George

Buchkowski were part of the

top-secret Misty squadron.

Dedicated to disrupting supplies

coming down the trail,

they would fly low and fast

to identify enemy targets.

Almost a third of Misty

pilots were shot down.

It's hard to use the term "beauty"

when dealing with war,

but it's been one of the, I can say

joys, of now getting together

with our former enemies, because we

can both identify with the conflict

and nobody can quite understand

like we understand one another.

Even though we were

on opposite sides,

there's a common camaraderie

that occurs quite quickly.

Because you're trained

to take orders

and you don't question them

and you do,

there's a sense of national pride.

There's nothing personal.

That shows that both sides have gone

a long way to forgive the

hostilities that we had back then,

and I feel like we've bonded

with several of these people

that we've talked to.

It's just absolutely amazing.

So, if nothing else,

we've made some progress here,

it's certainly helped me.

Just one example of that,

down the road here,

a US airman was shot down.

We met last night with the head

of that nine-gun crew

that shot him down.

One member of that crew

went to visit his son

in the United States,

and while he was there

he went to

Arlington National Cemetery

and prayed at the grave

of the person he shot down.

And you met last night and you can

all talk about it. Yup.

So, you feel for your own loss,

you feel for their loss

and that's reciprocated.

Exactly. That's why "slowly"

is a key word.

You have to process that

and come around

to acknowledge we did terrible

things to one another

and at times we were terrible people

in a terrible conflict,

but now is a time to forgive

one another and move on.

It was lovely to meet you both.

Thank you so much. A real pleasure.

Thank you. Thank you.

I did find it very emotional.

Yes. I found his insight

really profound.

They were just kids when they were

flying over here,

and the whole of their

adult life's been spent

dealing with what they did as kids.

When I think of when I was

their sort of age, I was just...

Were you not doing the same

but different?

I was drinking two litres of cider

at the top of a car park

crying about a boy called Richard.

They were flying...you know...planes

over Vietnamese mountains

and rescuing their comrades.

I mean, I haven't got over Richard,

on some level,

and they've managed to get over,

you know,

they've managed to get over...

..sort of, one of the worst conflicts

of the 20th century.

Look at the butterflies, Sue!

It's just amazing!

Look at these guys, we're being

followed by a line of them.

Butterflies, woo-hoo!

There are hardly any other

cars on the road, but mini tractors

called tok-toks are used to work

the land and get people around.

It's like Wacky Races.

Thank you.

Sue and Liza have been on the road

for nearly a week now,

but they're not even halfway yet.

Stop annoying me,

stop really annoying me.

Stop doing the spider on my knee.

Well, what's a shame is that

they've got two women in a car

and all they've done is bicker.

You know I'm ticklish on my knee,

and all you're doing is

the spider on the kneecap.

I'm trying to put it into fourth.

What, by doing that?

Who changes gear doing that?

Weirdo.

Wow, this is a bit of

a viewpoint, I think.

Look at the colour of that!

BOTH: Whoa!

What the hell was that?

This powdery road,

it's like driving on cocoa powder.

Now we have another little turn.

Do you think it's down and round

or straight on?

That's very powdery there,

whereas that looks more compacted.

There's a few cobbles there,

so there you go.

Good work, Perky.

Are there cobbles there? Yeah.

I think, yeah, 12-point turn here,

you'll be able to do it.

If you have to turn the car

around on this road,

there is no margin for error.

Sue, very uncomfortable.

With what? With these turns.

What, because of UXBs?

Well, yeah, actually, because,

I think there's a level of slack

comes in as you get used to it.

And all the trees round here have

got red lines on them saying,

"Don't come in!"

I realise...

There's just nowhere to turn.

I know, what can you do?

Fuck it, I tell you what,

they're really draining to do

when it's this hot.

Oh, look, they're looking for mines.

She's got her faithful

little dog with her.

What's intriguing me there is...

It's woman's work.

No, it's a little bit

near the bleedin' road.

Yeah. And there's no markers.

Sabadee! Sabadee!

The average wage in Laos

is just 3 a day,

so some people risk searching

through danger zones

with metal detectors

to make a living.

And this is a metal detector.

Are you looking for explosives

and bombs are or you just

looking or metal?

Do you worry that this work

is very dangerous?

Have you heard of people being

injured doing your work

and hurt and killed?

Could we look in your basket and see

what you've managed to find today?

Thank you!

Steady, Sue, there.

Yeah, interesting.

We've got this kind of thing here.

This is the fin of a cluster bomb...

..which they jokingly call

a pineapple.

When you start to dig, how do you

know whether it's a bit of old

motorcycle or whether it's a bomb?

How much money do you make

to do this job?

Do you mind telling us

how old you are?

Do you know how old you are?

I wish you all the safety,

be very careful.

Thank you very much. And thank you.

It's really good to speak to you,

thank you.

I was astounded they didn't know

how old they were,

because, of course,

that's not really that relevant.

It's, sort of, surplus to

requirements, birthdays and all that,

just crack on, get on with it.

There's more important things to do

like finding where the next meal's

coming from.

Oh, what's this?

Nana foot. Oh, my goodness,

that's a bloomin' interesting

bridge, isn't it?

It's great.

That's fantastic.

Just bits of timber piled up.

That's impressive, isn't it?

And look, it looks like there was

a bridge there but it's collapsed!

THEY LAUGH

I love it!

God, I tell you what's interesting

as well,

doing it in a 4x4, with modern-day

suspension, allegedly,

that we've probably knackered,

but if you were in trucks,

army trucks, bikes or on foot,

and still you're managing to get

everything where it's meant to be.

And it's a nice road.

Very. So, we're near the mine.

Yes, I'd have thought.

This is money.

There's money in this road.

This is the yellow brick road.

There's gold in them there hills!

Sue and Liza are approaching

the Sepon gold and copper mine.

The existing road can't cope

with the number of huge lorries

accessing the mine.

But before any work can begin

to widen the road,

the land must be cleared

of unexploded bombs.

Magnus Ahlstrom and his team

have been called in.

You want us to follow you

into a site where there are possible

unexploded ordnance now?

You will walk on cleared area,

all the time, but the surroundings,

there can be UXOs.

So, we basically stick to the path,

follow you guys. Yes. Do not deviate.

No. Otherwise trouble.

Do we get to wear a hat? Yeah, sure.

I won't be going to have a look

at the danger UXB.

It's a funny old thing,

and call me a wuss if you want to,

but as we were coming through the

pass, it's the first time we had

any juice on our phones,

and suddenly a waft

of texts etc came through.

I got 11, three or four of which all

said to me, from different mates,

"I hope you're not taking

any unnecessary risks."

And then I've been

presented with one,

which, because we're on a roll,

and we're on a big story,

and we've been going,

"War, war, war!"

this is a magnificent thing

to follow up,

and how wonderful

that people are doing it.

I'm a pansy blooming

presenter-broadcaster from England.

I'm not Ross Kemp.

We were going through

the safety chat,

and I was a bit gung-ho, because

I thought, "Ooh, steel cap boots

"and hi-vis jackets, and, ooh,

all that sort of stuff."

Got me, you know, quite pumped up,

and then Magnus, off camera,

just pointed out

that there are two unexploded 750lb

bombs within 100 metres of here,

and suddenly the bravado

has really gone

and I just look like somebody who

auditioned for the Village People

and didn't quite make the grade.

So, yeah, genuinely really queasy,

plus the fact that, you know,

Liza's very perceptive and

when she says, "This is dangerous,"

you know, I kind of hear it and part

of me thinks, "Why am I doing it?"

What am I trying to prove to myself

or to everybody else?

And yet here I am.

So, we'll see, I guess.

Please hold on to the fence.

Yeah, no, I'm not going

to mess around.

Not overly convinced

by the construction of that fence.

Stay away from the edge.

So, how many pounds is this one?

750.

When you're working with a bomb, what

kind of safety equipment do you have?

None. Helmet and boots.

Because there's no equipment

in the world that would stop...

Nah, won't help you.

You'd vaporise, presumably.

Yeah, you're going to become dust.

So, ironically, your hat and boots

would be all that remain.

No, not even that.

So, it would vaporise rubber

and steel toecaps, everything.

So, say, you have to do

a controlled explosion,

what's the procedure for that?

Yeah, we have to move

all living creatures

surrounding about 1,000 metres

away from here and block roads.

I have to direct the blast, because

the pressure's going out somewhere,

probably go in the bush here

and down to the river,

need to seal off the river here,

so there's not going to be boats

or anything.

Airplanes. God.

I go over there

and put some C4 on it,

and a cable, we move away.

And then... Bang.

And you will hear if it goes bang.

You've worked all round the world,

all the major trouble spots

of the world,

have you found that this

has been the most...?

Yeah, this is the most bombed

place on the planet.

And how long do you estimate

it would take to clear Laos?

You'd probably need like

a million people or something.

And how long would a million

people take. Oh, man!

A lifetime? Yeah.

So, why do you think this particular

point on the Ho Chi Minh Trail

took so much ordnance?

Just here is because

there's a river crossing.

OK.

You smash the bridges.

Really close to the road.

That sort of gives me

pause for thought,

because we're driving that road.

There's this huge bomb

just yay far from it.

It's easy when you're doing

long distances

to be quite cavalier and not think

it's dangerous. Yeah.

Because it's hidden,

everything is hidden.

They're just everywhere.

Expect the unexpected.

Thank you, Magnus. Right,

much as it's been an education,

it's not my natural habitat,

so I'm going to, I don't know,

go and go somewhere a bit more

ladylike. Yeah.

Is this a good way, or that way?

No, don't go in there,

follow the road down here.

I've never been on a trip that's

made me feel so conflicted

and so brain-fugged, because

half of me, it's all about,

my mind is filled with war and

destruction and fear and disbelief

that this beautiful landscape,

superficially,

kind of draws you in

with its gorgeousness,

but it's just rotten with toxins

and shrapnel and ordnance underneath,

and the other part of me is trying

to be a bit more Southeast Asian

and a little less me, actually,

and trying to say,

well, you can dwell on that,

or you can just look at what the guys

are doing here, piece by piece,

you know, clod of clay by clod

of clay, trying to make it better.

So, Magnus was quite the sex bomb,

everyone within 100 metres

of his blast radius

was pretty much sucked in.

Were you sucked in, Sue?

I was a bit in the sense,

and I'm ashamed to say this to you,

but thought, "I just want

to lie my head next to you,

"just for an evening,

because I'd feel safe there."

Look at that!

Let's just enjoy that.

That is beautiful.

Let's just look at the scenery

and think this is the most

beautiful place.

This is a beautiful,

ladylike country, buggered by war.

Sue and Liza now face

one of the most challenging sections

of the road,

400km of jungle, dirt tracks

and river crossings

from the Sepon mine down

to the Vietnam border.

But first,

they have a big river to cross.

The thing is with this river crossing

is that if it all goes

horribly wrong, at least we'll be

spared another night in a brothel.

Oh, there is that.

There's a part of me that'd rather

be washed downstream

than have another night's

accommodation like last night's.

Oh, yeah, that's doable.

They've been told that vehicles

do cross the river here,

but they need to take a closer look

before risking it.

Because once you've negotiated

the fallen trees, UXOs, rocks,

I don't think there's going to be

much of a problem.

This is shite.

It's what?

And then it gets really deep there.

Oh, god, yeah.

Really deep there.

There is no way we'll get over there

without stalling.

The thing is not knowing what's in

the middle of it. Yeah, exactly.

So, I'm going to go human dipstick

and see how deep it is. Lovely.

It's nice.

Oh, man, there are some

very odd rocks here.

That's good!

LIZA LAUGHS

This was in my contract.

I said, "Whatever you do,

"make sure there's

a calendar opportunity."

This is Sue, she's April.

She's 42. These are her own breasts,

as you can tell from the natural sag.

What's the depth like?

What do you think it's like?!

I'm a dipstick, it's up to here.

Like I'm going to drive it! I'm not.

Why do you think I've gone in here?

Despite the bravado, they girls

have to consider another option.

Failing to get across here could

mean losing the car

and risking the whole trip.

I understand we're in a 4x4,

but I'm slipping all over the shop

and there's this huge patch

where there's just nothing,

and however exciting it might be

for a millisecond,

the idea of the car actually

filling with water...

It's not exciting.

We should check out this

other river crossing.

There's a sign back there that says

"Death Falls this way,"

so I suppose we're going to the

right spot. Of course we are.

There's the river. Doesn't look

as bad as the other one, does it?

No.

Let's start this!

Nicely done, nicely done.

You all right? Yeah. I'm just

keeping it right up the river.

Straight, straight, straight.

You've done something wonderful

there, Miss Perkins,

something wonderful.

Do you know what? I'm going to cross

the Thames like that.

I've had enough of the Underground.

We want to go north to south,

we'll go that way.

Let's not even discuss the fact

that we're probably leaking

quite a lot of fuel.

Ooh, this is a bit tricky, actually.

Yeah.

This is a bit tricky.

Stop, let me have a look.

Go down further to the left.

Wait a minute, madam.

MOUTHS WORDS SILENTLY

Deffo left-ish.

Oh, I've left my effing brolly.

Yeah, I want you...

Whoa, whoa, right up.

Bit more.

That's looking pretty good,

just come forward a bit

so you've cleared that.

Spot on, and then it's a...

We're probably going to have

to go up on that boulder, though,

because I think it's too

high for us to...

No, no you'll just make it,

you just need to skirt that.

There is enough room.

Can you do it, are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine to do it.

So, I'm going either side of it,

you mean? No.

Now I'm going this way,

to the right of the boulder.

Don't go too right,

because you don't want...

That's when your steering

will flip out of your control.

Right the steering wheel.

That's it, right the steering wheel,

keep the steering wheel straight,

and now...

Round that way, darling.

Oh, right, god, sorry,

couldn't see where the road was,

sorry.

I thought we were going up there cos

I'm a fucking idiot. Get back a bit.

That's good, that's OK.

Good work, very good work.

Even on this mud track,

any deviation carries a huge risk.

Along this remote part of the trail,

only a tiny fraction

of the surrounding land

has been cleared

of unexploded bombs.

Not that track, please.

No, no, no, I'm just, you know...

No, no, I'm aware of UXB-ing,

so, you know what I mean?

It's what I'm good at.

So am I.

I'm not going to try and kill you.

After six hours picking her way

across some of the trail's

toughest sections,

Sue's had enough.

OK, do you want to swap driving? Yep.

Sue and Liza are on the most

remote part of the trail.

Very few people come this way,

and westerners are a real rarity.

It's been a hard slog, and the girls

decide to take a quick break.

We might chomp on a few hot nuts.

Uh-oh. What? Act normal.

Oh, hello.

Hello, boys. Hello, darling.

Sabadee. Sabadee.

Sabadee. Sabadee. Sabadee.

Sabadee. Sabadee.

Do you want some nuts? Any news?

Quite scared by your massive knife,

but I'm going to give you some

peanuts and hope you won't use it.

Yeah, he's put it away.

There you go, sweetheart.

That's great.

Love the look of you.

I know a few people who would kill

for a chest like...

Lovely, lovely chest. lovely

musculature. Very pretty.

I see you ogling my jugs, as well.

Yeah, he's having

a right good look at yours.

What's in there?

Can I have a look in there?

In here?

It's basically intestines,

isn't it, so do I think?

Actually, that might be chicken.

Is it?

SHE CLUCKS

Yeah? Is that a yes? Yeah.

Which could mean...

Yeah, they're mental.

See you later, then, lads.

Bye, then. Bye.

They were both really beautiful.

Whoa, there goes

the bottom of this poor thing.

I look like an expendable crew member

in Star Trek.

I just ate the ceiling of the car.

It's not over yet, Susan.

Yeah, they've requested

at the funeral

that Slip Sliding Away be played.

# You know the nearer

your destination

# The more you slip sliding away

# I know a woman... #

Oh, that's a bit annoying.

Are you stuck? Yeah.

I'll go and push.

Right.

Britain's weakest woman

is on push duty.

I'm gonna reverse.

That really smells bad.

This is the only occasion

where I've ever thought we

might need Jeremy Clarkson.

Why have you mentioned him?

Problem we've got is there's

no grip in the tyres,

they're all absolutely

ram packed full of the clay.

Yeah.

Even on the road,

there is real danger.

Churning up mud on the track

can be lethal,

as bombs are only cleared

down to a depth of 50cm.

You see, I don't want to touch

anything from the side

in case 500 bombies fall down.

Rev, rev, rev.

It'll be dark in less than an hour.

If they don't want to spend

the night in the jungle,

they must get moving.

We're getting more traction.

Yeah, we're going to be all right.

Just...

Here we go. You can do it.

You can do it.

That's flat out on the accelerator,

that.

BOTH: Whoa!

There we go.

I tell you, it just makes

a mockery of all the lovely ladies

taking their kids to school

in a 4x4.

All rich people

driving Chelsea tractors

should be made to do the Ho Chi Minh

Trail before they're allowed...

Before they're even allowed.

All those precious yummy mummies.

Delightful people all.

Where did they come from?

Brilliant kids.

Look at them legging it!

Sabadee! BOTH: Sabadee!

Sabadee! Sabadee!

Eventually, they make it through

and link up with one of Laos'

brand new highways.

This is one of several massive

road-building projects

that connects Laos with Thailand,

Cambodia and Vietnam.

On the final leg

of Sue and Liza's journey,

they hope to make it out of Laos and

back over the border into Vietnam.

Da Nang and the beaches

of the South China Sea

will mark the end of their journey.

The girls are determined to make it

in one day, so they're up early.

At the moment, it's looking like

we'll have to go to the beach.

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

We love that one.

We nearly there yet?

The first part of today's journey

takes them through a part of Laos

that was once dense forest.

Look at these big boys.

Logging, logging, logging.

Now, that's interesting, boys.

Those beautiful trees.

To get to the border,

they're going to have to compete

with heavily loaded logging trucks

hauling hardwood into Vietnam.

That lorry could topple over there.

God, I don't want to see that,

thank you.

We're going to be in a log sandwich

in a minute.

OK, burn this.

Do it.

God we've just hit the logging trail.

Oh, hello, our bloke's showing us

how it's done, on a blind bend.

Good god. Oh, my god.

That doesn't look good at all.

And it's right next to

a slightly smoky... Oh, god!

That looked like a fatality to me.

Just when you get blase,

you get a sobering reminder like that

upturned logging truck.

Just... It's not worth pushing it.

Look at its magnificence.

Rolling forests

just so gladden the eye.

Beautiful.

I'm going to have the best wee

ever at the border.

Not right on the border, though,

as they tend to take offence at that.

I think that was one of the

dos and don'ts, wasn't it,

don't urinate at the border?

The girls are forced to stop

at the border,

but they are both keen to get moving

if they're going to make it

to the coast today.

It's going to be faster

and noisier once we're on the road

there.

I'm going to get horny.

As soon as I pass that,

I'm bipping that thing.

Anything coming at me,

whether it be livestock

or a massive great logging truck,

I'm going to horn the hell out of it.

This is ridiculous, isn't it?

It's just deserted. This is like

the M25 but with nobody on it.

And nobody on it for miles

as far as the eye can see.

So, who's it for? is it just to go,

"We're communists, hear us roar?!"

This is the new Ho Chi Minh Highway,

built on top of the original trail.

Just 15 years ago,

this area was also pristine forest,

but it's been stripped

of its timber,

and now coffee, tea

and rubber grow here.

Do you think I'm a bad driver?

No, because I wouldn't have done

this with you, you fruit.

Who you calling a fruit?

You bloody fruit.

Who are you calling a fruit?

I could have you. I could take

you to a tribunal. Take me.

That's what you want, isn't it?

You're just trying to get me

into your lair.

# Sue me, sue me

# What can you do me?

# I love you. #

That's on camera now.

It's a song from a film!

Come on, mate. What are you doing?

This guy is absolutely stupid

as all hell.

Get right up the side of him.

I'm going to open the blimmin' door

on him if he keeps it up.

I've got a Vietnamese driving

license, have you?

That'll show him(!)

Susan, your blood's up, isn't it?

I was hoping for a bit of...

Do you know what I mean,

you think it'll be all easy now,

a nice little run into the beach.

Don't be silly. Have we, heck!

As the light fades, Sue and Liza

are still miles from the beach,

their hotel

and the end of their journey.

Not another bus. Oh!

THEY SCREAM PLAYFULLY

150,000 miles an hour.

We've both taken

an absolute pounding.

It's like a game of pinball,

with cars and livestock and buses

just randomly fired

in all kinds of directions,

and you have to try

and weave your way.

Just when you think,

"Surely I've reached

the next level," no, you haven't.

Who's this with full beams on?

Christ almighty,

they are willing you to fail

at all times, drivers here,

aren't they?

Oi-oi-oi-oi. My god!

Single file, darling,

and your buffalo.

Oh, baby, baby, baby, careful. Oh!

It doesn't really become about

preserving your own life,

it becomes desperate tension about

not wanting to kill anything else.

Is he drunk?

Has he got a kid on the back?

Oh, Jesus. What are you doing?

There's three kids just...

Oh, my god, the eldest is, what, 14,

driving that bike?

Finally, after ten gruelling days,

Sue and Liza reach sanctuary,

and the end of their

Ho Chi Minh adventure.

We've gone from dirt tracks

and indigenous peoples,

from scantily-clad men with machetes

and baskets of chicken guts

staring at our boobs

to mellow surroundings

where everyone's dressed in pastels

asking if you're OK

and would you like a shiatsu?

Come on, Perkins.

I've absolutely loved it,

and I think every single bit of it

has been important,

the good and bad.

We actually journeyed

through history,

we got to bump along the same tracks

that trucks bumped along

40 years ago.

Got very tired about talking

about the war

because it was sort of contradictory

to what we were actually witnessing,

which is an extraordinary recovery

by extraordinary people,

be it in Vietnam or be it in Laos.

Liza drove me utterly,

utterly insane.

We had a real laugh.

And I couldn't have wished

for a better person to do it with.

Well done.

Sue is fabulous

and I drove her potty.

I told her,

"I'm going to drive you mad.

"I don't know how or when or for how

long, but I will drive you mad."

I had a wonderful time.

It wasn't the wonderful

time I thought I'd have,

but it so far exceeded that

with its depth and its range

and its character and its memories

that I feel really blessed, actually.

Really, truly, blessed.

This programme contains

some strong language.

Five billion kilometres of roads

network the planet.

Everywhere new routes are being

forged through increasingly

difficult terrain. Whoa!

Across Arctic wilderness... That was

a game of chicken, right there.

..over high mountain passes...

That is as big a drop

as we've seen so far.

..and through dense jungles...

Good work, very good work.

These roads may be a testament

to man's ingenuity

but driving on them

requires skill...

I'm going to get out the car,

I can't bear it.

..stamina...

Whoa. Andy!

..and a steady nerve.

HORNS BLARE

Comedians Hugh Dennis and David

Baddiel are driving across Ethiopia,

one of the poorest, most mountainous

countries in Africa.

Whoa, look at that road!

Friends since university,

together they'll cross death-defying

mountain passes

and bone-shaking landscapes.

This isn't a road, it's not a road!

We're driving across the moon.

Their journey will take them

on an ancient route

to the holiest city in Africa...

All we've got to do is find

the Ark of the Covenant...

Look at it and not have

our eyes burnt out.

..2,000km on one of the world's

most dangerous roads.

A-A-Argh! Oh, God!

Hugh and David are starting their

journey in the capital, Addis Ababa.

The car they're collecting

is up to the challenge

but what about David and Hugh?

Here rental cars usually come

with an experienced driver.

Hello.

Have you got a driver?

No, we're driving.

From here to Aksum?! Yes.

Sort of... Have you done it before?

No.

But people do this road, don't they?

They do. Locals do it, I do it.

But I'll totally and honestly tell

you - the road is very dangerous,

so you have to be really,

really, REALLY careful. OK.

When I told my partner I was doing

this, she just said, "Don't."

She said, "Don't do it,

don't be ridiculous,"

because people think that

I create disaster wherever I go,

and there is some truth in that,

and then when I said

I was going with Hugh,

there was a sense of,

"OK, that will be all right, then,

"cos he's sensible

and can deal with a situation,"

which is good,

cos I'm none of those things.

What if we hit an animal?

You pay for it.

You pay for the animal or...?

And the price goes up three, four

times when it dies. Really? Yeah.

How much does a goat cost?

A goat could cost you £50-60.

If we kill one, can we eat it?

Of course. That's all right, then.

'I think the main danger

is possibly David.'

It's got a very comfortable

driving position.

That's what I'm slightly

nervous about,

cos the last time I drove with him

in England, he drove into a gate.

I've chosen you to do

the first bit of driving, so...

Look, we're away.

That was beautifully done.

That junction was beautiful.

I did that magnificently.

The thing to do, I think, is to use

the other cars as a sort of shield.

Whoa! Hey!

Early doors accident.

You're going to have to drive

in a minute. I know.

For the next week, Hugh and David

will drive from Addis

to the ancient city of Aksum.

They'll follow primitive

pilgrimage routes,

lethal roads

left by invading armies,

and perilous

communist-built highways.

Their goal is to reach the holiest

place in the land - Aksum,

known as the home

of the Ark of the Covenant.

Shall we change drivers?

Would you forgive me

if I said this is the bit I've not

been looking forward to?

It's only cos you hit that post!

Before getting into comedy,

these two met at university

and have been mates ever since.

So you had to get in -

you're on the wrong side of the road!

What side of the road

am I meant to be on?!

THEY LAUGH

God! Oh, no.

I'm all right. You know what would

be a good thing to do now? What?

Would be to switch off

the indicator. OK.

Nearly 30 years on

and they find themselves

on the trail of a religious relic

that has acquired mythical status

and is believed to contain

the Ten Commandments.

What is the Ark? What is the Ark?

It says...

The Old Testament says the Ark was

constructed on Mount Sinai by Moses

and it houses two stone tablets.

Oh, so they're in there. Bollocks!

Are you doubting the guide book?

The Ten Commandments are in Aksum?

The Ten Commandments are, yeah.

So today, every other Ethiopian

church has a replica of the Ark.

Isn't that the plot of

Raiders Of The Lost Ark?

Raiders Of The Lost Ark is all about

getting the Ark of the Covenant

but I feel we're in it now.

This is our little version.

I'm not planning to steal the

Ark of the Covenant on the last day.

That would be brilliant though. And

bring it back to Addis Ababa airport!

100km out of Addis,

they get their first taste of the

grandeur of Ethiopia's highlands.

They have reached the rim

of the gigantic Jema Gorge.

Look at that. Look at that view!

Oh, my... Jesus! Good Lord!

Whoa, I'm quite frightened.

Amazing, amazing view, isn't it?

Isn't it incredible?

It's fantastic, isn't it?

That looks really American,

doesn't it? It does look very like

the Grand Canyon.

What would have created this

enormous hole?

Water. Water? When?

Over millions and millions of years,

cutting down from...here.

I can't get that near to the edge.

I get this feeling in my groin.

That near to...I don't like.

And, if you look closely, the sun

is vanishing past that mountain.

I don't want to put the tent up

in darkness, so let's go.

Can I tell you a bit more about

sedimentary rocks? No.

Not the layering? No.

What about the down-cutting

of the river? No!

In this remote area,

there's nowhere to stay,

so tonight Hugh and David are going

to have to rough it by the roadside.

Whoa, look at that road.

OK, I'm going to go a tiny bit

slower. That's fine with me. Yeah!

That is a cliff face and a half.

How much daylight have we got left?

I don't know. What time does it

get dark? Six o'clock? Half six.

The problem is that

this close to the equator,

night comes really quickly

so they'll have to make camp

in the dark.

I am going very slowly.

You've got about another four feet.

Oh, have I?

Keep going, keep going, stop.

I'm going to get the tent out.

Right, here we are.

OK. You do realise, David,

that the point of a head torch

is that it's pointing

in the direction you're walking.

Where was it pointing?

It was, like, there!

DAVID LAUGHS

How is that of any use?

That looks kind of jaunty!

Is that a ground sheet?

No, that's a tent, isn't it(?)

Hold that.

This is the most intrepid

I've ever been.

Are you going to cook on this fire

later? That's what I'm expecting.

I might be cooking YOU on this fire.

I think you'd make

really nice crackling.

Yeah, I do, actually.

I love a bit of crackling.

Yeah, what I meant...

Agh! Argh!

What the ... was that?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, there it is.

It's like a butterfly.

No, it's a moth.

It's the kind of thing that,

in daylight, you'd go,

"Oh, how beautiful,"

but at night, you go...

HUGH SCREAMS

Oh, dear.

Just for a second there, with the

fire and the tent and the outback,

I thought I'd come across

as a real man

and then I screamed

because a moth touched me.

You see the stars?

Stars are always amazing in places

like this. In Africa.

I slept quite badly last night.

I took quite a truckload of various

different tranquilisers

and still slept quite badly.

Also, it's been difficult because

of the toilet arrangements here.

It has involved disappearing

with a toilet roll

to try and find a private space.

And one of the things I've noticed

about Ethiopians,

who are a very, very lovely

bunch of people,

is they have a habit

of sneaking up on you.

Like, you don't expect it

and suddenly you look round

and there are six or seven children

staring at you, quizzically.

So, each time I've gone off

for that private moment,

I've been very worried

that's about to happen.

Hugh and David's goal today is to

do 150km to the town of Dese.

This land is high, arid

and still bears the scars

of countless battles.

Oh, my God there's a tank! I want

to go and look. There is a tank.

Can I...? We have to stop

and look at the tank.

By the roadside, there's a reminder

of the country's bloody civil war.

The war started in 1974,

when Haile Selassie,

the last Emperor of Ethiopia,

was overthrown by the Derg,

a Marxist regime.

For over a decade there

was bitter fighting

as local militia fought

the communists.

Ethiopia's had lots of wars.

They had a civil war,

didn't they, in the early '80s.

Surely where there are tanks,

there might be landmines?

Well, it's unlikely, actually.

Someone has nicked its wheels.

That will happen if you park

somewhere for a long time!

A massive round has gone

through the side of this. OK.

So, this is a communist tank?

Well, it was a communist

government, wasn't it?

So, it would have had

Russian military aid.

So, the Russian's were giving arms

to the communist government?

I imagine so.

That's kind of what they did

round the world, isn't it?

We should go, I think.

It's one of the busiest

days of the week - market day -

and a chance for David and Hugh

to learn the rules of the road

Ethiopia style.

With just three cars for every 1,000

people, livestock take priority.

Oh, my God, that donkey

swerved in front of us!

Look out, cows.

Goodness me! Come on, guys.

HORN BEEPS

They're not the fastest-moving

animals in the world.

What's the advantage to them getting

out our way? Well, I could kill them.

This is the hardest

I've ever been, by the way.

The road they're on was built after

the terrible famine in the 1980s

to create access for vital aid

to Dese and the surrounding area.

The threat of drought

still haunts Ethiopia

and this road is a lifeline.

Are we going to stop at a house?

It would be good. No, no, it would.

We've so many of these

small villages.

Small thatched settlements.

I'd like to stop.

This is the sort of village

that we've seen before

but not actually been inside.

Hello. What are your names?

Devrie. Devrie, I'm David.

David. What's your name?

Sesay. Sesay? Hugh.

Devrie, Sesay...?

Larege. Larege? Larege. Larege.

Does everything happen in this

one room? Are they for sleeping in?

TRANSLATION:

And do you use that?

That's brilliant! It's an LED

and the battery is a little 9 volt.

What work do you do?

Has this new road changed

the village?

Beautiful.

Yes, it's beautiful, isn't it?

We have a long journey ahead.

Thank you very much.

We've seen inside a lovely house.

Thank you, bye-bye.

Isn't it amazing that they'd

welcome you into their house?

I mean, if someone came to your house

in London and went,

"Excuse me, can I come in?

"Can we ask you some questions about

what you do, how do you earn money,

"how far is it to the nearest shop?"

DAVID LAUGHS

"Since the road's been built, have

you noticed a change in your life?"

Yeah.

The boys are desperate to get

to their hotel in Dese

but they still have a narrow

mountain pass to cross.

When it gets dark, it's going

to be properly horrible

cos you're not going to be able

to see where the road goes at all.

That barrier is not going to stop

anyone if we did crash through.

No, not really.

In the dark, on the top of a cliff.

I don't like the cliff edge at all.

You can see, there's some

people on the right-hand side.

Yeah, I've got them

but I don't want to take them too.

Car approaching.

Yeah, is that moving or...?

It's moving, yeah.

We can't get through that, can we?

No, there's a cliff edge there, and

he's asking us to go through there.

I'm not doing it.

OK, well, what are we going to do?

He wants us to do it. That is mad.

OK, hold on.

You going to do it? Yeah.

OK, go very close to him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I'm going to, don't worry.

As close as...

Yeah, you're fine. OK.

I wonder if we should pull over.

If you're going to pull over,

let's pull over now.

Oi, OK. OK.

I'm going to get out the car.

I'm going to get out the car.

I can't bear it.

There's nothing much else I can do.

OK.

I'm finding it traumatic, genuinely.

This is bonkers.

This is totally bonkers.

Next morning, Hugh and David begin

heading north, towards Lalibela.

They're taking a road built

by foreign military powers.

In the 1930s, the Italian

fascist leader Mussolini

colonised neighbouring

Somalia and Eritrea.

In 1936, he invaded Ethiopia.

In just five years,

60,000 Italian labourers

built roads

all over the country.

How does it benefit

Mussolini, Italy,

to be building roads in Ethiopia?

Is it to say

to the local population,

"Look, if you let us rule you,

you can have things like roads?"

No, it's to say, "Here's a road

we're going to send some tanks down

"and we can get stuff in and out and

our troops can move round quickly."

So it's purely just so that they

can rape and pillage off the road.

It makes it much easier

to rule a country if you've got

a good road system.

But as Hugh and David

are about to discover,

it's not as safe as it might look.

The road cuts through and area where

khat, a legal natural amphetamine,

is grown and sold by the roadside.

Look, here's a massive khat stall.

When are WE going to get some khat?

Particularly, I want

to give YOU some khat.

Why, do you want to see

what happens? So you go crazy.

Don't get me wrong,

but I imagine you're

a very drug-free type of fellow?

I should think, probably, in my life,

I've had about ten paracetamols.

I've had less paracetamol

than you've had in the last two days.

That's true.

With my terrible,

drug-addled palate.

There's a lot of khat there.

That's a HUGE bunch

of khat being sold.

Hello. Hello. Hi. Is this khat?

Can we buy some khat?

We'll have that, OK.

How much is that?

There you go, sir.

There's 100 birr for you.

Thank you. Can I ask you a question?

You sell here every day?

You sell this stuff every day?

Every day you come here?

And do the truck drivers stop?

Minibus drivers?

How does it make you feel?

Will he go crazy?

Will I go crazy? Will he go crazy?

Sometimes I'll go crazy.

Keep up my brain?

I think I'll probably just keep down

my brain by eating that.

OK, well, thank you very much.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You're never, ever going

to sleep again.

How are you feeling?

Well...I'm still eating it.

I've noticed that.

Now that I'm starting to eat what

is basically a bit of tree...

You know what it is actually like?

It is like sitting next to a panda.

DAVID CHUCKLES

That's what pandas look like.

Yeah. What? What do you mean,

that's what pandas look like?

I haven't got big black eyes

and fur?

You've got white patches,

though, here.

DAVID CHUCKLES

Are you feeling happy or depressed?

I tell you, it's given me

a bit of a heady feeling.

Oh. Ai, ai... Ai-ai-ai-ai-oi!

God!

You see, that's where I think,

if I was driving

and I was khatted out my head,

I would have crashed.

Khat leaves are the biggest

killer on this road.

More than three-quarters

of all crashes

are caused by truck drivers

using khat to stay awake

during their long journeys.

I quite fancy

going in one of those trucks.

Don't you think that would

be interesting?

Yeah, I quite fancy it, too.

I think it might be quite scary...

cos they drive about

four times faster than we do.

Look, here's a truck.

Shall we ask him? They look all

right. They look not so frightening.

Cheerio.

Have a lovely time on your own.

I'm going to come and see

you're all right. All right.

Ten minutes?

Ten minutes ride in the truck?

Can I come with you?

Drivers are paid by the job,

so they use khat as a stimulant,

and David's up for a bit

of stimulation.

Goodbye. May God be with you!

My name is Sowalu.

Sowalu. David. Massai.

No seat belts?

Yeah. No seat belts, yeah.

OK. He's got one but we're OK!

No, no.

HUGH: Seems a bit unfair, really.

I really want to go in that lorry!

I want to be in the lorry!

I support Manchester United.

You support Manchester United?

Yeah. I support Chelsea. Chelsea?

Manchester United is the bigger.

It's always Manchester United. Yeah.

Yeah. Chelsea... Yeah. Well, yes!

But Chelsea sometimes bigger.

No, no, no.

Yes, they have been.

Chelsea won the Premier League

twice, a few seasons ago. Yeah.

I think actually what's happening

on this trip...

..is I'm becoming a bit

of a father figure.

I told him how he can

clean his shoes.

I'm effectively picking him up

from a party.

OK, thank you. OK?

You know, in for a penny,

in for a pound.

I don't want to eat all his khat.

Yeah.

He's got to have some.

Although it might be safer

if I eat it all!

I hand him the sun cream,

make sure he doesn't get burnt...

..and then paracetamol

when he's got a bit of a headache.

And when he says I'm the one

going into the Isuzu truck,

I go, "Yes, that's fine."

Before he drives back, does he rest?

30 minutes. 30 minutes? Yeah. And

then you come straight back again?

Do you not worry about

falling asleep?

Do you not worry about...

You sleep... No.

Yeah.

No rest.

Six hours, you stop.

OK. And you sleep in the car,

in the truck, you sleep here? OK.

Aah, look at that!

Oh...

So that's a minibus upside down

in the middle of the road.

Have you ever had any accidents?

Ship? Oh, sheep. Yeah.

You hit a sheep?

Two sheep.

You hit two sheep.

Did have to pay for that?

600 birr for the sheep.

Yes. That's quite a lot.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you,

it was really good.

I'll just have a last...

No, I won't!

OK.

How have you been without me?

How have I been what...? I've had

about 25lb of khat. Oh, have you?

I'm just going to climb in here,

cos I will never climb

in the front of a lorry.

OK, this is my mate.

What's his name, again? Sowalu.

Sowalu. This is my mate, Sowalu.

And he's a really cool guy.

How much khat have you had?

Quite a lot, yeah.

I don't know how they do it.

He has it every day, so he's not

quite as smiley as me about it.

Hang on, handbrake's on, and I'm the

one who's not been having khat. Yes.

Now, I know that you will have been

complaining about that fact that

I was in that cab and you weren't...

Yeah, the most tedious

half hour of my life. ..but here's

what you forget. Yeah?

I was immediately offered

an enormous amount of khat. Yeah.

You would have had to say no.

No, I might have...

That would have created a certain

amount of resentment,

because it's clearly part and parcel

of the experience, and, also...

I wouldn't have minded that.

I wouldn't have necessarily had

as much as I imagine you had.

I might get carsick.

Passing through a village, there's a

sobering reminder for David and Hugh

of the dangers on these roads.

OK, so this is an accident.

Is it an accident?

Yeah. Looks quite bad.

There's a bus here

with a broken windscreen.

Was there an accident?

Yes, went round and round.

Spun round. Yeah.

Did the car hit someone standing?

A 19-year-old-boy

died in the accident.

Yeah.

The drivers are having khat.

Do you think... Yeah. ..that's what

causes the accidents?

Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

The really scary thing

about that, for me,

was the fact that it was

just every day.

That guy said he'd lost two mates,

didn't he?

Yeah. There is a casualness

with which people talk about death.

Erm...

Which only happens when

lots of people die. Yeah.

WIND CHIMES

Most Ethiopians are

Orthodox Christians.

Even the smallest villages

have churches.

The people's religious devotion

and the death on the road

have made the guys

rather philosophical.

I think there's a link,

isn't there, really,

between what we're hearing

about life around this road

and how fragile life is,

with that kind of proper,

intense devotion to religion.

Why, because you have to believe

in a life after this one?

Yeah, and you have to also,

I think,

find a way of making

your life count.

It's a kind of fairly obvious

truism, isn't it,

the Church had more power

in Europe

when life was more like it is

on this road,

i.e., when people died

very casually and very easily.

Hugh and David are still an

exhausting 100km drive

from Lalibela,

a religious World Heritage Site.

But it should be worth it.

So, I'm quite excited by Lalibela.

Lalibela used to take

four days to get to,

and there wasn't really

a road there at all...

until relatively recently. This

is the quickest way to Lalibela.

But that must be crucial

for the economy,

because Lalibela is probably

the tourist centre of Ethiopia.

In the 12th century,

King Lalibela had a big vision -

to build a new Jerusalem.

So he commissioned a series

of churches so extraordinary

that some people consider

their construction a miracle.

Some scholars have estimated

it would have taken a workforce

of 40,000 to construct the churches.

Yeah. Locals claim that toiling

all the hours of daylight,

the earthly workforce was then

replaced with a celestial one,

who toiled all the hours

of darkness.

How many builders would that take?

COCKNEY ACCENT: "Well, that's

going to take, what, 40,000?"

"Well, if we can, what we'll do is,

"at the night-time, we'll put on

a celestial one." Yeah.

"They're quite hard to get, the

angels. You know what they're like.

"They've got all sorts of other

stuff they're doing."

Yeah. "How long's it going to take?"

"Well, probably to the end

of the 13th century."

"I know you wanted it done

by Christmas...

DAVID LAUGHS

"..but you changed the spec.

"Originally, you wanted

the new Basingstoke..." Yeah.

"Originally, you said MDF was fine."

Yeah.

"Now you want rock hewn

out of the ground." Yeah, exactly.

Before 1955, the isolated

mountain town of Lalibela

was accessible only on foot.

It would take worshippers days

to reach the churches

along rough mule tracks.

With a long day ahead, Hugh

and David decide to get there early.

Is that it?

There it is.

The question is, why you would

carve a church out of rock

rather than just use rock

to build the church?

Erm... Do you think it's thought

to be more magnificent,

and a greater offering, or...? Yeah.

If King Lalibela... Yeah.

..had a vision, which he did,

and in that vision, he was told

to build the new Jerusalem...

I think the new Jerusalem

doesn't mean he comes home

and copies Jerusalem. Yeah.

I think it means, go back

and do something incredible.

How deep is it?

Well, it's actually deep enough

for me to be a bit frightened

on the edge.

How do you get in? I don't think

that's the way in.

You don't just jump?

Yeah, you have to parachute in.

That was the one mistake they made.

THEY LAUGH

Of the 11 churches

King Lalibela built,

this one, St George's, was the last

and most ambitious.

Do you think the whole thing

could just cave in on itself

and we'd be buried alive?

I hope they had some kind

of subsidence check. I tell you -

no surveyor is going to

sign this off. No, definitely not!

You'll never get a mortgage.

Wow. I wonder if the original

plan for this has survived.

You've got to assume that they would

have drawn it on something. Yeah.

There must have been

planning meetings,

people drawing stuff out

on parchment.

And people getting cross with the

contractors. Yeah. All that.

And this is the 11th church,

of the 11.

Yeah. So by the time King Lalibela

had built the other 10,

he knew what he was doing, so this

is the culmination, isn't it?

This is sort of the pinnacle

of his achievement. Look at this.

Are they bones?

I think they are,

those look like feet.

Yeah, those are mummified corpses.

And it looks to me, because

there's no statue element to them,

I guessing these weren't

important priests or whatever,

that these were just people

who came to pray here and died.

If they've walked miles and miles

to come here... So, the route

that we've been travelling

has been travelled for thousands

of years... It has. ..by pilgrims.

Do you think they have their replica

of the Ark of the Covenant in here

as well?

I can imagine so, cos all churches

do here, don't they?

Wow.

Hello. I'm David. Hello.

What we doing...

THEY LAUGH

I don't know what this bit is.

Are you the priest of the church?

Yes. How long have you been

the priest?

Do you remember

when you first saw the church?

What did it feel like?

I've obviously spent

a lot of time in churches,

because my dad was a vicar

and a bishop,

so I've kind of grown up

with churches,

but this is very different to

anything, erm, British, really.

What it reminds me of more

than anything else,

it feels like you're

sort of backstage at a theatre.

You know, these are all great

devotional objects, people are

coming in and kissing the door,

and kissing the picture

of St George,

and, you know, kneeling

and kissing the floor and stuff,

but it really feels

almost like these are sort of props,

left lying around.

It also feels like that curtain

ought to open

and there ought to be an audience.

What is behind the curtain?

And no-one can see that?

Ethiopia is... I think it's

the most religious country,

overtly religious country,

I've ever been to, really.

And I like it, it's sort of, erm...

I don't know how it makes me feel,

really.

I don't know, it's like stepping

back in time, almost,

the level of devotion here.

HUGH CHUCKLES

Thank you very much.

To send the boys on their way,

it's time for a traditional

but rather unexpected blessing.

Hopefully, it'll ensure a safe trip.

Are you going to be blessed first?

I am, yeah.

Oh!

HUGH CHUCKLES

Sorry...

Thank you.

Me?

DAVID STIFLES GIGGLES

THEY LAUGH

Thank you!

Please...

No, please don't do it again!

THEY LAUGH

Thank you, sir.

Why am I saying thank you?!

That water's probably contaminated!

The first one was so...whoosh!

It was just unexpected, wasn't it?

I thought he was going to

just dribble water on my head!

Not chuck it!

At first I thought he was just

doing this to the Jew,

but he did it to you too.

THEY LAUGH

DAVID LAUGHS

Do you know what?

I'm not sure he wants us to reach

the end of our journey safely!

It's a very odd form of blessing.

The hardest part of their journey

is still to come,

and they will need all the luck

they can get.

Well... That was good!

I certainly feel thrice blessed.

Possibly more than thrice. Yeah.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi... Oi, oi!

I'm becoming you. "Oi, oi, oi."

Oi, oi, oi, oi.

A fit of hysterical giggling. Yeah!

Yeah. By the way, I'm terrified

of this bit of the road.

I'm talking, but I'm terrified of

this bit of the road,

because that is as big a drop

as we've seen so far.

It is, but you'd roll down that.

You'd roll down it? You'd be fine.

Yeah, erm... Like this. Yeah, like

that. That's how you'd roll down it.

The reason you'll survive is,

of course, that you're a bit like

the Terminator.

Do you think? I can't regenerate.

Go on, put these on briefly.

I am taking my glasses off

on a dangerous road,

but it's worth it, to show how much

you look like the Terminator.

AS THE TERMINATOR:

"I'll be back."

There we go. I'm a T-1000 cybernetic

organism sent from the future

to protect you.

Yeah, well, I think if we crashed,

I'll be dead, the goats'll be dead,

and then you would

come out the car...

I'd just look at my arm and go...

..saying that. Yeah, you would.

And I'd go... Yeah.

"No."

He says that a lot. "No."

I should have my glasses back now,

probably. "No."

DAVID LAUGHS

I can sort of see about...

10 feet ahead without my glasses.

"I can see over a kilometre."

I suspect this, by the way,

is the Chinese Road.

This is the Chinese Road,

here we are.

In the 1960s and '70s,

communism took hold of many parts

of Africa, including Ethiopia.

This road was built by the Chinese

in the late 1970s,

when Ethiopia was firmly

under communist control.

It's the main artery linking the

east and west of Northern Ethiopia.

The Derg. The Derg, yeah.

They're communists. And they turned

to China for help.

It's Maoist Chinese money.

It's a political road.

It's a road that's been built

to help the spread of communism...

Yeah. ..into Africa.

Which is probably why

it's so well-built. Yeah.

Ooh, this is going to be

a fantastic bridge. Look at this.

It's kind of Chinese, isn't it? Ooh.

Which isn't...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look at this!

It's incredible countryside.

I wonder what this road will

do for our fuel consumption, David?

Well, actually, we're on our

reserve tank, as it is. Are we?

Although it's tarmacked,

Hugh and David are in fact on one of

the deadliest roads in the country.

Carved into the mountain,

it's used largely by haulage trucks

and overcrowded buses.

This is a very, erm... Dangerous

road. ..dangerous bit of road.

It's also quite tempting

to go quite fast on this road,

cos it's really good. Yeah.

It is yeah, but...

You have to swing...

Rock-hewn church! Where? Up there.

What the fuck?

What? Look at that!

Fuck me!

OK, I think we should stop.

That is ridiculous.

What is that? Is that...

That's like a digger, or something.

Excuse me. Erm, do you know

what happened here?

OK, so the digger

was already falling off?

Yeah? And to save himself,

he had to swing that way...

Was the driver OK?

When did this happen?

It's just been like this

for three days.

No police have come?

What happens when it gets dark?

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

The light's fading,

but there's still 80km to go.

Hugh and David are longing

for the comfort of their hotel,

when suddenly, there's trouble.

Big trouble.

Right, here's a problem.

Have we run out of petrol?

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

OK, I think that's because

it thinks it's being nicked.

Why don't you lock it and unlock it?

Lock it and unlock...

No, no, it's not... OK.

OK, yeah. It's to do with that,

it's got... The immobiliser's gone.

DOOR SLAMS

You might have to...

Erm... We've got a strange problem

here, which is...

I, I think, forgot to lock the car,

and then if you don't lock this car

for over about five minutes,

the immobiliser goes off and no-one

seems to know how to re-mobilise it.

The immobiliser went off

and we tried to start the car,

which means that we're definitely

stealing it.

I don't want to play the blame game,

but it's your fault.

You started it! Well, frankly,

I think we've got a bit of a problem.

Some of the locals are trying

to sort the problem

by literally taking the car

to pieces.

We've got a torch.

Do you want a hand?

This isn't a small job

they're doing here.

They've taken apart

the entire dashboard

and we don't know if any of them

are qualified engineers.

Running low on luck, they begin

to consider their options.

We could get the tent out. That looks

like a good place to camp.

Honestly, with all this diesel

on the road,

I don't think starting a fire

is going to be problem!

ENGINE STARTS

Oh! That's good. Good sound!

That's a very good sound!

Can we turn it off?

Only if they can.

If they can't turn it off...

Fantastically, they've got it

started so we're not stuck here

for the night

but I don't know whether we dare

turn it off again.

Are we allowed to turn it off?

I don't know.

We've got about 50km of petrol left

and it's 80km to the hotel.

We'll find a petrol station.

But then we have to stop the car.

We can only worry about one thing

at a time.

We have to stop the car

at the petrol station.

We haven't thought about that. No!

No! A round of applause for the guys!

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Am I driving now?

Yeah, you're driving.

How do you turn these off?

And if you stall, I'll kill you.

The hazard lights won't turn off.

I know.

They must have changed the wiring,

or something.

Yes, OK. Right. Careful about

the road, it's very slippery here.

There's a lorry going very slowly

up ahead.

I'm not going to overtake it, am I?

Don't overtake it. Oh! What?

The indicators are going

absolutely mental.

It is good to know that anywhere

in the world,

if your car breaks down,

men will appear from nowhere.

And they can hot-wire it.

They can just hot-wire the car.

He's going off, right?

He wants us to overtake.

Oh, good. Thanks, mate.

Yeah, but that's...

Is that all right? Don't know.

We do need petrol, though. Diesel.

What have we got?

We've got almost none.

We'll scrape some off the road!

It now actually reads empty. This is

a weird part of the road. Look.

There's also a pavement. There's also

a town, which might mean a garage.

I hope so.

Oh, there is a petrol station.

There's a closed petrol station.

Hello. Guys, sorry to interrupt,

but we need some petrol.

This is as about as close to a

terrorist cell as I've ever been.

I know it isn't,

but it really looks like one.

Hello. Can you tell us

what you're doing?

OK.

MEN CHATTER IN OWN LANGUAGE

Can we get petrol? Hello?

This doesn't meet British

health and safety standards.

OK, what's happening is,

there's a pump, obviously,

and there's a power...

So the pump is not working,

and they're trying to fix the power

to give us some petrol

and it's a bit dangerous because

there's a lot of live wiring

and it's a petrol station.

I'm starting think we should try and

make it with the petrol we've got.

And we can't turn the car off.

And we can't turn the car off.

So it's just using petrol

the whole time.

MEN SHOUT

Oh! Eh? Eh? Is it working?

Is the pump working?

Thank you. Thank you, thank you,

thank you.

You saved our lives.

How many things have gone wrong?

Since when? Since we stopped.

I would say,

the car stopped working,

then we were running out of petrol,

then we got to a garage

but the garage had to be re-wired

to give us petrol.

I'm hoping that's the three.

I need a beer.

I'd quite like a cup of tea.

A cup of hot, sweet tea.

I'm quite tired, David. Are you?

I can take over if you want.

No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm sort of...

HUGH SCREAMS

Oh, God!

That was a dog, wasn't it?

That was a dog and that was...

Is it all right? Did we hit it?

No, we didn't hit it at all. OK.

It just ran off.

Gordon Bennett, I've got goose

pimples on my arms.

You do genuinely

like to say "Gordon Bennett".

Hugh and David eventually

find refuge,

but it's not exactly

what they had in mind.

We got to the hotel,

it didn't have any rooms left,

double booked, so we've been moved

to this hotel.

I'm not sure it actually is a hotel.

This is my window.

HE LAUGHS

Oh... I have to sleep here.

Anyway, good night. Sleep tight.

The following morning, David's got

troubles of a rather different kind.

I spent quite a lot of the night

in a sitting position...

in the bathroom. What, just sitting

with stuff pouring from your bottom?

I don't think I've necessarily ate

anything particularly bad,

but I have been eating solidly.

They're now heading north towards

the Simien Mountains.

It's the start of the Aksum Road

and the pilgrimage route

that will take them to the home

of the Ark of the Covenant.

Oh, there's a kid on the back.

Oh, no, no. Really?

I am frightened about running over

one of these kids at some point.

Now, just an update on my arse.

Yeah, OK.

The weird thing, I feel better,

still a bit queasy, but there

doesn't seem to be a let-up

in the need to go to the lavatory,

and indeed the consistency

of the stool.

Can I just say,

there hasn't been any let-up

in the consumption of food,

has there? That's true!

It is only 11 hours since

your spate of diarrhoea began.

You have had scrambled egg,

cheese... Liver sausage.

Liver sausage, two cups of coffee,

spaghetti with tomato sauce.

Did you have any bread?

I had some bread as well. I thought

that might clag me up a bit.

I'm of the opinion that

my body would tell me

if it didn't want to eat.

Well, do you not think it's giving

you a slight clue, isn't it(?)

OK, now I'm getting a sense

of being in the mountains. Yeah.

Hugh and David have reached

one of the most dramatic landscapes

in Africa -

the Simien Mountains,

formed by intense volcanic activity

40 million years ago.

Simien, of course,

means "like a monkey".

Yes, we should almost definitely

see gelada baboon. Gelada baboon.

Does that sound to you like

an ice cream made of baboon?

DAVID LAUGHS

David's spot-on.

They've got company.

These gelada baboons,

native only to Ethiopia,

are the last surviving species

of grass-grazing monkey.

Is that the male? I don't know.

Where? There. Oh, yeah.

Shall we go say hello to him?

Yeah, OK.

How close can you get

to a baboon, safely?

I don't know.

They look all right.

Well, so do lions.

You not coming down here?

I'll come, but I think we should

generally keep our distance

from the big male baboon. Yeah.

They might have lured me in and

they'll suddenly all turn on me now.

I've got nowhere to go. Just run.

It's all gone off!

Oh, the little one. It looked to me

like this one kidnapped the child.

They've got slightly evil eyes,

haven't they?

They do look a bit evil.

Now just one very long, very dusty

and very precipitous road separates

them from their final destination.

They'll leave

the Simien Mountains behind

and follow the only road north

to the once-mighty kingdom of Aksum.

This road does seem slightly endless

doesn't it? Sort of endless dust.

Yeah. We're on a pilgrimage, though.

It's part and parcel of pilgrimage.

There's about 1,000 people on this

truck careering round this bend.

Where's the road? Where is the road?

The best bet with the dust is just

to assume the road is still there.

It doesn't disappear

because there's a load of dust.

I find it a bit unsettling.

It's getting very narrow up here.

It's great, though, isn't it?

It's brilliant,

but it's slightly frightening.

Do you want to go back to sleep? No.

I'll tell you when it's over?

No, it's fine.

But the barriers are very...

there and not there.

You kind of think the reason

they're not there...

Someone's gone through them.

Yeah. They're now at the bottom.

Another car's not going to be

very good news, is it? Not really.

Oh, God, there's a very dead donkey

there.

Ohh, that's a hideous thing!

God! I hope you don't have to go

forward over the donkey,

cos there'll be

a horrible squelching noise.

I don't think I do.

Watch out, you're going

quite near the side.

No, I'm not. I'm fine.

You really are.

The road winds its way down

2,000 metres to the valley bottom.

It's a bit punishing today,

isn't it?

Shall we listen to music? It pays to

chat but I don't think we'll make

it.

MUSIC BEGINS

# That's where you're at

# Going down a bumpy hillside... #

Perfect!

# ..In your hippy hat... #

Wey-ey!

# ..Saying everything is groovy

# When your tyres are flat... #

THEY SING ALONG

# ..And it's hi-ho, silver lining

# Everywhere you go now, baby

# I see your sun is shining... #

Don't know the next bit.

Something, something, something!

For the next 200 kilometres,

the road is under construction.

The guys are going to need

their 4x4.

It'll be an arduous,

bone-shaking ride.

We've rattled to death on this road.

Yeah, that's the problem.

Whoa-oa-oa! Hey-ey-ey!

That needs a bit of levelling.

It's a bit tight, there.

Don't worry, we went over it quickly.

Ohh...I'm starting to feel

a bit...stiff.

I'm sure we're going to hit a point

where we can go no further.

This doesn't look good.

The digger's coming through.

Where do we go? Where's the road?

New roads are changing the face

of the country,

as rapidly expanding nations like

India and China look to Africa

for its natural resources.

China alone has invested

hundreds of millions of pounds

in Ethiopia's infrastructure

over four decades.

This isn't a road. It's not a road.

We're driving across the moon.

We're driving across the moon,

exactly!

A mammoth undertaking, this road is

being carved across two valleys,

opening up trade

and access for rural villages.

THEY GROAN

It's like spending nine hours

inside a maraca.

DAVID LAUGHS

This bit's nuts!

This bit is...mental.

He didn't entirely see you coming,

I don't think. No.

I tell you what -

you drive for a bit.

I'm feeling a little bit faint. OK.

DAVID GROANS

OK, I've suddenly got a terrible

need to relieve my bowels again.

Do we have...toilet paper?

You had the toilet paper.

I don't know where it's gone.

Right, OK. Well... Anything on your

side? I can give you toilet paper.

Yes, that might be an idea.

Something bad is going on. Is it?

Oh, dear, dear, dear. Oh, no.

You see trees up ahead?

Need trees...or anything, really.

I've got a little bit put away

for you.

DAVID CHUCKLES

Here, just in my bag... I thought,

"Just in case of emergencies."

Once again, Daddy Hugh

has saved the day.

CHILDREN LAUGH AND CHATTER

I was very convinced they were going

to come and stare at me.

Are they behind the car?

ENGINE STARTS

Dare I ask,

what sort of consistency was it?

Pretty solid, yeah, fine.

With David feeling on more

solid ground,

they're reaching Aksum's outskirts.

The city was once the centre

of a great civilisation

that controlled the trading routes

between the Roman Empire and India

in the early centuries

of Christianity.

But modern-day Aksum?

Right, so this is Aksum.

It's so NOT ancient.

It's not even new yet.

That's nearly finished, that one.

Is it? No.

This is practically

the end of our journey, then.

So, all we've got to do is

find the Ark of the Covenant...

Look at it,

not have our eyes burned out.

Their gruelling 1,300-mile trip

has led the guys here,

to the holiest place

in all Ethiopia,

the Churches of St Mary of Zion.

Finally, they're just yards from

the most sacred relic in the land -

the Ark of the Covenant - fabled

to house the Ten Commandments.

It's a fairly impressive thing.

This looks fairly new to me, though.

Welcome to Aksum, Zion church.

Thank you. How are you?

I'm good. I'm David. I'm Hugh.

Are you a guide?

Yes, I'm deacon also. Oh, you're

a deacon. That sounds good.

This is the... New church,

King Haile Selassie.

Oh. Haile Selassie built this?

The Ark of the Covenant is behind

the new church. Behind this church.

In a small chapel.

Shall we get there?

So that... I can tell you that.

That is the home of the Ark.

That is the home of the Ark.

The monk is inside every day.

That is the chapel of the Ark.

Oh, there? Oh, the monks come out.

He lives in the chapel.

He lives inside.

He never comes out of the compound.

What do you think

is in the Ark of the Covenant?

The Ten Commandments inside. Ten

Commandments. As received from God.

Why are they not in Israel?

Cos that's where

they were given to Moses.

The miracle of the Ark

is the Ark coming to Ethiopia.

So it's part of a miracle.

It's a miracle. Yes.

What would happen if someone

did accidentally see the Ark?

Blind. A lot of miracles.

Bad miracles? Yeah.

You'd be... Very high power.

Strong power, strong power.

'I am a fundamental atheist.

'I'm so comfortable with the fact

that God doesn't exist'

that I really quite like religion,

and here,

for someone who likes religion,

likes it culturally

and what it says about people

and about where you are,

this is a brilliant place.

People really believe it,

they really believe in religion

as a proper magical thing.

They particularly like the idea

of ascribing magic and power

to some extent to whatever they can

find, which is what Ethiopia is.

It's a place where they make use

of whatever they can find

and they've done that on a big scale

with the Ark of the Covenant.

Can we get any closer?

This is the border.

And we're not allowed any closer

than this? Never.

This grave is the border? Yes.

So we've travelled, what is it,

2,000 kilometres to see this,

and you're saying this is as far

as we can go?

Yes. Never to inside here.

This is a border for

the Ark of the Covenant.

This is the end. This is a line

never to come out.

We don't cross this.

I'm not disappointed by not seeing

the Ark of the Covenant.

I didn't think we'd get to see it

or even get that close to it.

In a way, I think you get more power

from seeing how much

you're not allowed to see them.

You get more of a sense of

what it means to the Ethiopians

and the reality of the magic

of those stones

by the refusal to see them.

I just think it is a great country.

Really interesting mix

of myth and magic

and religion and modernity,

and all the rest of it.

You can joke about it, and we have,

but I think it just gives Ethiopia

a sense that it is special.

I think they think of themselves,

genuinely,

as a kind of special people.

We can say we won the World Cup

in 1966.

They can say, "We've got

the Ark of the Covenant!

"Yes, that's us. Ethiopia!"