Scary Movie 2 movie

Take her wrap, fellas

Find her an empty lap,
fellas

Dolly'll never go away

Dolly'll never go away
again

Hey, do you guys
know this one?

Oh!

Now this is the real shit.

Uh-huh.

Shake your ass,
watch yourself

Shake your ass

Show me what
you're working with

Attention all
young players and pimps

Right now
is the place to be

I thought I told
y'all niggers before

Y'all niggers
don't fuck with me

Shake your ass

Watch yourself

Shake your ass

Show me what
you're working with

Shake your ass

You suck.

- Uh!
- Uh!

Oh!

Who put the horse out?

She's good.

She--she's been really sick.

Bad, bad, bad girl!

OK. That'll be $17.50.

Hey, buddy!
Hey, pay the fare.

I'm Father McFeely.

I'm so glad you're here.

I came as fast as I could,
but at my age...

the little soldier needs
a lot more thumping...

before it starts pumping,
if you know what I mean.

I do find, though,
if I tickle my asshole...

just before I unleash
the dog of war--

It's OK. I understand.

You know,
because in the old days...

you know when you--

How is she?

It's gotten worse, Father.

Really?

She won't eat,
she won't talk.

The child won't even
let me touch her.

Yes. Sometimes you have
to give them candy.

Father...

the church sent me
to assist you.

I'm Father Harris.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to see you.

Would you like
to see the girl?

Soon...

but first
I must bless this house.

"The sorrows of death
compassed me...

"and the pains of Hell
got hold upon me.

"I found... "

"Then called I upon
the name of the Lord and... "

"My soul from death. "

Oh, God. Please, Lord.

Help me to release
this demon.

Ahh!

Thank you, Lord,
the most merciful Almighty.

Oh, hold on.

Ahh!
Ah, those enchiladas.

Ha, ha, ha!

Thank you, Lord.

Aah!

Fuck this.

Father!

Fuck! Did you see this?
Look at this!

Please, Father,
think of the child.

Fuck!

Yes.

It's freezing.

Let us pray.

"Defender of the human race...

"look down in pity upon this,
your servant. "

Shove it up your ass,
you worthless piece of shit.

Aah!

Silence!

Mmm.

"Holy Lord--"

Your mother is in here
with us, Harris.

Would you like
to leave a message?

I'll be sure that she gets it.

Yes. Mom, will you
get out of there, please?

You're no fun.

I'm working.

See you later,
Mrs. Harris.

"Holy Lord,
Almighty Father in--"

Aah!

"Everlasting God...

"and Father of
our Lord Jesus Christ...

"and the Virgin Mary's
baby daddy.

"Holy Lord,
Almighty Father...

"everlasting God...

"who once consigned
that fallen tyrant...

"to the flames of Hell...

"who sent your only son
into the world...

"to crush
that roaring tiger...

"and who got
that unholy bitch Jerri...

"kicked off of "Survivor--"

Fuck me! Fuck me!

Father!

Huh?

This is not
part of the ritual.

In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy--

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh!

Here you go, Father.
All clean.

Oh, thank you so much.

OK.

Hee, hee, hee!

You failed, McFeely.

Your weapons are useless
against me.

Let us pray.

[Both] Our Father who Art in Heaven--

Ha ha!

Stop it!

Hallowed be Thy name.

Ha ha!

Zip it.

Thy kingdom come.

Your mother sucks cocks in Hell.

Ha! Shit!

Suck on this.

Uh-oh!

I let you go

Let you go
like a dozen balloons

Without even thinking

I didn't know,
now I know

It was much too soon

Why can't you call
and say you miss me?

So you think you made it
into the class, Shorty?

I sure hope so, Cindy.

You could use the grade, huh?

Nah. I need a place to stay.

Mom Dukes kicked me out,
but you know something?

I learned something
very important in college--

the value of books.

Really?

Yeah. Look at this here.

Free paper. Ha ha!
Shit, son.

Yeah, so how
you digging college?

I don't know.

It's OK, I guess.

I feel like such a geek
sometimes, though.

Everyone is so cool,
and I'm... not.

Oh, come on, Cindy.

You ain't that bad.

All you need is
a little bit of flavor.

Hmm. Maybe some new gear.

"Gear?"

That's slang for "clothing. "

- Oh.
- Here. Come on.

We gonna cool you up
right now.

Don't sit like this,
first of all.

Don't sit like that, son.
Sit cool.

- OK.
- Right up, son.

Feel yourself, son,
like that.

Yeah. Now go like this.

Uh. Uh, yeah.

- That's cool.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Now stand up,
let me show you some moves.

Right, left.

Uh, son. Uh!

Right, left.

Right, kick.

Uh, son.

Uh, psych.

Throw a little bit
of slang in there.

Say, "Yo, that jacket
is tight, son. Ya mean?"

Yo, that jacket is tight, son.

- Ya mean?
- Ya mean?

Yeah, something like that.

Throw it all together.

OK. Right, left.

Right, kick, uh!

Yo, that jacket is tight.

Now run that shit, bitch.
Ya mean?

That is the shit, dog.

Oh, man.
You boners aren't ready yet?

Dude, relax, man.
I'm telling you,

We'll get there on time,
all right?

Yo, dogs, what y'all think?

Tucked in or out?

- Out, man.
- Out, man. Come on.

No doubt. No doubt.
That's what I thought.

You fuckheads would be ready if
you weren't partying all night.

Come on, man.
It was so awesome.

We got so wasted, man!

I had, like, a keg myself.

I woke up naked
in a tub of ice.

All right!

Yeah, man.

Oh, shit, Ray,
you got a tattoo.

Oh, shit.
What's it say?

"Ray!" Oh, man.

Oh, shit,
you got a tattoo, too.

Oh, really? Dude!

Dude, what's it say?

"Fucked me. "

Oh, sweet, man.
"Ray... "

"Fucked me. "

- "Ray... "
- "Fucked me. "

"Ray fucked me. "

Yeah! Ha ha! Whoo!

What, man?

Oh.

Wedgie moment! Ha ha!

Come on. You're gonna give me
a yeast infection.

Hey, girl, that jacket
is slamming.

Thanks.

You better be careful,
though.

Some girl
got an ass-whipping...

over a jacket
stolen earlier today.

Some people is so ghetto.

What class we got next?

Psychology.

Oh! Me, too! 101?

- In room 302 at 10 o' clock?
- That's it!

Oh! Uh-uh!
No. This is too much.

I got these psychic powers
on line.

Remind me to get
a lotto ticket tomorrow.

Oh, don't split the pole now.

That is very, very bad luck.
My psychic told me.

You don't really believe
in that stuff, do you?

Yes, I do. Very much.

Are these all the subjects?

Yes, sir.
I took the liberty of putting...

those with near-death
experiences on the very top.

Any of them hot?

As I'm sure you are aware,
Professor...

subjects who are close to death
are statistically more likely...

to have
the suggestibility required...

for paranormal investigation,
which is why, of course...

I gave them
special consideration.

Oh, good thinking, Dwight.

Traumatized coeds
are a sure thing.

Ooh, I like her.

Oh, yes, sir.
That is Cindy Campbell--

classic abandoned
personality disorder.

She seems guarded,
but willing.

And this?

That is Ray Wilkins, sir.

I couldn't quite
figure him out...

but he seemed very eager
and pleased to meet me.

What's this?

It's a picture that he sent
after the interview.

Where did you find these kids?

Sir, they're all survivors...

of the Stevenston County
Massacre.

Oh, fantastic!

These kids are exactly
the catalyst we need...

to awaken
the spirits of Hell House.

Sir, exactly how are we going
to get them up there?

We'll tell them...

it's part of the class.

We'll say--excuse me--

that they're participating
in a study...

of sleep disorders.

We are going
to make history, Dwight--

the first documented...

unrefuted evidence
of life after death.

Welcome, everybody.

I'm Professor Oldman.

Each of you have been
carefully selected...

to be in this class...

for which you receive
an automatic grade of "A"...

upon completion.

Now, this year's study
is insomnia.

We are going to spend
the weekend together...

where we've established
a controlled environment...

in which we'll study
your various sleep disorders.

Now, I'll be passing out
directions--

- I can do it.
- No.

- No, Dwight.
- I can do it.

I can... myself... do it.

Now,
you should all be there...

by 6 p. m. tonight
and plan to stay through Monday.

I'll see you all this evening.

Hey!

You left your book
back there.

Oh. Thanks.

I'm Cindy.

- Buddy.
- Hey.

So, looks like we're gonna
spend the weekend together.

Yeah.

You want to get together
and study or something?

Study? Ha!

That was kind of bad.

Ha, ha, ha!

I'm sorry, Buddy.

You seem like
a really nice guy...

but I just got out of
a really bad relationship...

so I'm not quite ready
to start dating yet.

Oh.

But, hey, you know,
maybe we could be friends.

Sure. Yeah. Cool.
That--friends.

OK. See you later, friend.

All right, pal.

Oh!

Wedgie! Smell you later!

As we go on, we remember

All the good times

We had together

As our lives change

Come whatever

We will still be

Friends forever

Hey!
Will you shut the fuck up...

and let me sing?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

Ow!

Hello?

Oh!

Hello?

Hello?

Hi, little guy.
Look at you.

Little? I'm not little.

I'm hung like a bull, lady.
Check it out.

You ever seen
a bird dick this big?

Too much for you, huh, baby?

Yeah.

All right.
Step off then, sweet cheeks.

Come back when you want
some real loving.

OK.

Fucking tease.

Hello?

Aah!

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, child.

Did I frighten you, child?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you scared?

All right.
I'll sing to you.

God is in his holy temple

Better?

I'm here with
Professor Oldman's group.

I'm Hanson.
I'm the caretaker.

- Hi.
- Hi.

And what's your name,
sweet child?

I'm Cindy.

Cindy.

Oh, but the resemblance
is striking.

Look at the thin cheek bones
and the same lips.

Same--same eyes.

Look at your hair.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You've got the same nose.

Tickle, tickle.

Be-boop, be-boop
on the nose.

Ha, ha, ha!

Shall I show you to your room?

Oh! Oh, that's heavy.
Whoo! That's heavy!

I better use my strong hand.

- Oh! Clumsy.
- Oh! No, that's fine.

Look, you got the panties--

I can take care of it.

Look at--
Oh, what you got here?

Ah!

Can't forget your toothbrush.

Oh!

Gonna need that for later.

OK. Here we go.
Follow me, child.

- Oh, God.
- Watch my bottom.

Coming through.

Come on. Right this way.

Here we are.

So, um, do you
live here by yourself?

Well, yes.
We've tried to rent it out...

but people don't seem
to want to stay very long.

Ha ha!
Oh, there's old Mother Kane...

and that's old Master Kane.

Who's that?

That's Big Daddy Kane.

Oh.

Oh, he's cute.

Oh, yeah.

That was the master's
favorite toy.

I don't know what
it's doing out here.

I swear.
Sometimes I think...

these toys have
a mind of their own.

Ow! Ow!

Right this way.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not that room, sweetheart.

No. That was the master's
mistress's room.

Yeah, he kind of was
a little bit of a hornball.

No. You go and stay
right over here.

This was the room that belonged
to the love of his life...

his wife, Caroline.

I'll show it to you.

Oh! Watch. My fanny's
coming through.

Watch it.
Make room for fanny.

Oh, wow! It's beautiful.

Well, thank you, child.

You know,
I have been working out.

I've been doing
my bun busters every day.

I squeeze really tight,
and then I let loose.

I squeeze really tight...

and then let loose.
[ Farting ]

Ooh!

OK. Ooh!

Oh, yes.

Look at this.

Caroline looked beautiful
in that dress.

In fact, she always
looked her best.

Do you know that
she used to entertain...

for royalty
and common folk and...

even the President
of the United States.

Ew.

Oh!

Oh, don't be frightened, child.

This is just Mr. Kittles.

He was the master's
favorite pet.

He's been in the family
for generations.

Look at him.
He hasn't aged a day.

All right, child,
I think I'll take my leave.

You let me know
if there's anything you need.

Yes, and as you
can see, Professor...

I've taken care
of everything...

including medical supplies
and blood storage.

We want to be safe.

Are these cameras
all throughout the house?

Yes, sir. I thought
that would be best.

So if one of
our little chickadees...

were to be taking a shower...

which button would I press
to get a closeup?

That one.

This one? [ Beep ]

Ha!

Excuse me, Professor...

but your guests
have begun to arrive...

and supper
shall be served shortly.

OK. Thanks, handyman.

I'm actually the caretaker.

Oh, aren't those
cool new skates?

Now, you be careful
with those.

Don't want to fall
and break something.

Oh, that's funny.
That's real funny.

Let me give you a hand.

Well, that--that's
awful kind of you.

How about you give me
a standing ovation?

Why don't you lift me up?

Oh! OK. I see where
you're going with this one.

You look familiar to me.
Were you in "Stomp"?

Hey, you can kiss my grits.

I think I'll be the bigger man
now and walk away.

Walk away.

Um, I'll go
and change for dinner.

- OK.
- I'll see you shortly.

Sounds good.

I'll just run upstairs
and jump into my jogging suit.

I'll be right down.

Hey!

Hey there, little guy.
How you doing?

Fuck off, four eyes.

I beg your pardon?

I said,
"Fuck off, four eyes. "

Oh, I ought to
kick your ass.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Relax, son.
It's just a bird.

Hello, birdie.
Polly want a cracker?

Polly wants
your mama's sweet ass.

What did Polly say to me?

I said, "Polly wants
your mama's sweet ass. "

You don't be talking
about my mama, son.

You don't know my mama, son.

Yeah, I know your mama.
I fucked her last night.

You want beef?
I'll fuck you up!

Ooh! I'm shaking.
I'm shaking.

Now, fuck this.

I'm gonna handle this shit
like a gentleman.

Yo, hold my tooth, son.

Yeah, come on, bitch.

You and that
"Welcome Back, Kotter" haircut.

Want a piece of me?
Come on. Bring it on.

What, you hard core?
Give me some.

- Bring it on, bitch.
- No, no. What?

You gonna talk, son?
Then do it.

Come on, pussy.
Let me out of here.

I'll fuck you up.

Hi, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, Buddy.

- Hey, Cin.
- How you doing?

Open chest!

Come on. You got to be
quicker than that, "A" cup.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, guys.

- Hey!
- How you doing?

Well, are you boys
just gonna sit there...

with your mouths open...

or is someone gonna
offer me a seat?

Oh!

Ow!

I warmed it up for you.

It's the best seat
in the house.

Second best.

Ew.

Professor,
is this the same house...

that a young girl
was possessed by a demon...

or something?

Yes, it was reported
but never substantiated.

All right. Well, uh...

who'd like some appetizers?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

That's what I like to hear.

Hey, these buns look good.

Oh, yeah...

and they're so soft and warm.

- Ray!
- Oh, I'm sorry. My bad.

These are delicious.

Thank you, my child.

I made them by hand.

OK!

Here we go. I think
the taters are just about done.

I'm just gonna give them
one quick whisk here.

OK, now. Dig in.

All right.

Now it's time for the turkey.

Oh, what a beautiful bird.

- No!
- No, man!

Hey! Hey! Hey, man.

Why don't you
just relax...

and just let me
do that for you?

- Yeah.
- Rest that little hand.

It's my pleasure, but what
a nice young man to offer.

Let me give you
a little pinch there.

Come on.

Fuck it!

You know, a lot of people...

are kind of intimidated...

about making a turkey,
but...

really it's very simple.

You just have to know
the anatomy of a turkey...

and it's got, over here...

just the tiniest
little stinkhole...

but it's big enough
to get your hand...

right up inside it.

Uh!

Stuff the shit out of it.

I cook it
with all the giblets--

the penises
and the ginies...

And now, a lot of people
like to baste their turkeys...

but I use this.

I lick like that...

and get
into the little...

hiney... hiney ho...

That's nice and good.

I don't know
what the hell that is...

but I'll lick it anyway.

Up and down...

and then I like to get
that right on there...

Hiawatha!

And I got one of these.

I'm gonna pull that off...

and bam! That just
kicks it up a little bit.

All right.
I think that's almost...

ready now.

And then we
bring it to the table.

Mmm, good.

All right.

Who's ready for a wing?

Yours or the turkey's?

Ha, ha, ha!

I just thought
that was funny.

Well, I know what you'd like.

How about a leg?

Whoo!

How about two? Ha ha!

How about
I take these two legs...

and shove
them right up your ass--

all the way to the knee!

Dwight. Dwight, relax.

Hanson...

may I ask you is there
something on the menu...

that you haven't
personally prepared?

Well, I ordered out
the dessert.

All right!

Make room.

Here comes the pie.

All right. OK. Mmm.

Who wants the first piece
of that pie?

Huh? I see you
eyeing the first piece.

Oh, that's good.

Mm mmm.
Pass that down to her.

Thank you.

That's nice.

My germs.

Ha, ha, ha!

My germs.

Ha, ha, ha! My germs!
Ha, ha, ha!

Hey...

Come play with me.

Come play.

Ha ha!

Hello?

Ooh!

Cindy... Cindy.

Who is it?

I want to help you, Cindy.

Who are you?

You're in danger, Cindy.

I want to help you.

Help me how?
Who's in danger?

Check the music room.

Where are you?

Check
the fucking music room!

Hey, Cindy, think fast!

Ohh! Uhh! Aah!

Dude, you suck!

Ow.

Buddy...

about
this friendship thing--

Yeah, I think it is so cool
having a girl as a friend.

That's just it, Buddy.

I am a girl.

You can't be so rough
with me.

Well, then what the hell
are we supposed to do?

Gentle stuff.

You know, like talking and...

sharing secrets
and past experiences.

You know, stuff like that.

That sounds kind of gay.

I guess since you're a girl
it's all right.

- Yeah. It'll be fine.
- All right.

Hey, listen. Will you come
check something out with me?

Sure. We can practice
our talking.

Yeah. Exactly.

I want to tell you
about this thing...

that happened to me
when I was in high school.

Really? What happened?

This hot Spanish chick's
licking my nuts--

Buddy!

No, no.
This is the best part.

Oh, my God. Look.

Oh, dude!
Someone's on the rag!

Shh!

They lead straight
to the bookcase.

God.

Must be a secret study
or something.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

It says Hugh Kane
and his mistress...

were murdered
in this house.

Whoa. Check this out.

This must be his wife.

Oh, my God.
She looks just like you.

You think?

- She's really beautiful.
- Yeah.

Well, actually,
her hair doesn't have...

as many split ends as yours...

and her skin isn't
as oily as yours, either.

Also, sometimes your eyes
get kind of squinty...

and you look like
you might have Down Syndrome.

Other than that, though,
the resemblance is uncanny.

Really?

Also, her tits are perfect.

They're not pointy
or funny-looking like yours...

or spaced too far apart.

OK! Enough!

God.

Oh, my God, look at this.

"Caroline. "

Must have been hers.

Oh, my God.

All right.
Let's get out of here.

This place
gives me the creeps.

OK. Grab the chest.

Oh, thanks.

- Buddy!
- What?

- I meant the chest.
- Right.

What the--

Hey.

Nice.

Mm-hmm...

Mmm... mmm.

Oh!

Oh! OK!

Hello!

If I had known,
I would have freshened up!

I wish you were
freshened up, too.

Get up there! Come on!

Oh, you want this?

Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah.

That's it, daddy.

Take it like you want it.

Give it to me!
Give it to me!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Come here!

Bring it on!

Kinky's my middle name, bitch!

Ooh, yeah!

That was the best
that I've ever had.

Oh. Mrs. Huey Kane.

Hmm?

Doesn't that just
have a ring to it?

Ha ha! Mmm... baby?

Where you going?

Call me!

Let's do something freaky.

Hee hee!
Like what, Ray?

I don't know.

Why don't you
talk dirty to me?

I don't know
what to say, Ray.

Come on.
Just make something up.

Oh, Ray,
why do you make me so bad?

Come on.
Because you a bad girl.

OK.

I'm gonna work this.

Yeah. Work it.

I'm gonna make this mine.

Mmm. It's all yours.
Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna
piss on your face...

and then I'm gonna fart
in your mouth.

Yeah! And then I'm gonna
shit on these walls, Ray!

Ooh!

Hey!

Too dirty?

Hello?

Oh, hey, kitty, kitty.

Hi, little fella.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

OK. OK.

That's OK, cat.

I think I know
why you're mad, Mr. Cat.

I didn't mean to go poopie
in your litter box.

Help!
My pussy's gone crazy!

Aah! Aah!

Ha, ha, ha!

Aah!

Oh! Aah! Aah!

OK. You want a piece of me?

Huh?

Yeah! How do you like that,
little pussy?

Come on!

Yeah! Yeah! Come on!

Aah! Ohh!

Is that all you got?

Huh? Come on!

Give me your best shot!

I'm telling you,
Professor...

it was possessed.

Theo, did you see
this animal?

No, I didn't.

I heard
all the commotion...

but by the time
I went in there...

I guess it was gone.

Mm-hmm.

What? So you think
I did this to myself?.

No. All I'm saying
is that cats are known...

to be very
territorial animals...

and it's likely
that it did attack...

but that doesn't mean
it was possessed.

Maybe you two should
sleep together.

What are you getting at,
Professor?

I'm just saying that if indeed
this cat did attack...

it's less likely to come back
if the two of you were...

let's say... together.

Oh, come on, it's college.

It's time for you two
to experiment.

I don't think we're gonna
be getting much help here.

Oh, on the contrary,
actually...

I'd be more than happy
to walk you through it.

Come on, Cin.

I'll make sure
you get tucked in.

Good idea.

Don't forget to kiss
each other good night.

There's something going on
in this house, Professor.

I'm not crazy!

Aah!

1, 2...

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...

9, Brandon, 10...

11, Brandon, come on!
Count with me!

Hey, you.
Hee, hee, hee, hee!

Come here a minute.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Come here.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Peekaboo!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Come on, let's play!

This is a fun game, huh?

Hey, what are you doing?

Uncle Ray-Ray's got a game.

Hey, get your finger
out of there.

Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle...

Aah! Aah!

You want to play
with Uncle Ray?

Peekaboo!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Aah! Aah! Help!

Aah!

Oh, God!

RAY: Here's
a little balloon animal.

Da, da, da, da, da
da, da, da, da!

Ohh!

CINDY, VOICE-OVER? "I can't take
living with him any longer.

"He's becoming a monster.

"I suspect he was
having an affair.

"I believe he's sleeping
with our baby-sitter Victoria.

"It must be why
he keeps her around...

"because we have
no children. "

Cindy...

I want you to know
what happened, Cindy.

Hello, Cindy.

Hello, Professor.

I take it you're not
mad at me anymore.

I wouldn't go that far,
Professor.

Why don't you just relax?

Hey!

Uh, uh...

Aha.

Ha ha.

Uh-huh.

I think she's starting
to suspect something.

Who?

Your wife.

Aah!

Oh, my God.

It happened right here.

What?

She came home.

- She saw them!
- Saw who?

I was in my room
reading her journal.

Then I found this dress
in the closet.

That's all I remember.

What about you, Ray?

Oh, I bought mine
on Friday.

I just came down
to get a banana.

Shit is hot, right?

You're a nice little plant.

You drink all this
little water up...

so you can grow up to be
a nice strong charon plant.

Yes. Yes.

And then you'll be smoked
by all the rappers...

and make them do
a whole lot of dumb shit...

that fuck up their careers.

Yes, you will.

Night-night, baby.

I'm gonna rob
that bitch tonight.

Lockdown Records presents...

A Hip-Hop Christmas.

You'll get such classics...

As "Santa Claus
Is Coming on Moms... "

That's the shit, son!

"I'm Dreaming
of a White Woman... "

and who could forget
"Frosty the Dopeman"?

And how about
"All I want for Christmas...

Is the Charges Dropped... "

"Deez Nuts Roasting
On an Open Fire... "

"A Sleigh Ride In My '64... "

"Ante Up, Bitch,
It's Christmas... "

and many more!

Yo, I'm gonna buy
that shit, son!

Just $19. 95...

Aah!

I'm sorry! I didn't mean
to smoke your relatives!

Please! No!

I didn't do it by myself!

Whitney and Bobby helped me!

Please! Help me!

Aah! Shit, son!

Wait! No! Please!

Oh! Oh, shit, son!

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God!

Aah! Oh, shit!
I smell something burning!

Oh, stop! It's me!

I got an idea!

Oh, wait a second!

Hold on, Shorty!

Don't rescue me yet.

I'm getting high
as a motherfucker!

Toke, toke, toke, toke!

Take it to the head!
Take it to the head!

Oh, you take it
like a bitch.

Put the Shorty down...

and I'll give you
Funyons and Cheetos.

Oh, shit!

This shit burns
more than a perm!

Aah!

Ha, ha, ha!

There's a whole lot
of freaky shit...

going on in this house.

There's more to this story
than the Professor told us.

Last night,
I found a secret room...

and I found all these
newspaper clippings...

about Hugh Kane.

He was a really evil man.

And I found a picture
of his wife.

Oh, my God!
She looks just like you.

You think?

She doesn't have
as many split ends...

and her skin's
not as oily as yours.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes you do this little
squinty thing with your eyes.

It looks like you got
Down Syndrome or something.

Oh, yeah,
y'all look just alike...

except she got
some perfect boobs...

and yours look like
them old orangutan titties.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Shit, son!

I'll put you in the full nelson
and lick them.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

OK! Enough!

Anyway, I think
she killed him...

and now he wants me.

Yeah. Right, bitch.

Morning, Dwight.
Let me help you.

I don't need your help.

I can do it myself.

Aah!

OK. Professor,
uh, we need to talk.

What is it, Dwight?

I think
you should consider...

cutting the experiment short.

What?

This poltergeist is growing
increasingly more violent.

I think we're all
in danger here...

and I've got to put
my foot down...

and stand up for
what I believe in...

and say that
we've got to pull the plug.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Dwight.

I say when we pull the plug.

We are on the verge
of greatness...

and I am this close
to getting laid.

Now, the bus arrives
on Monday.

No one leaves till then.

Here are
the keys to the gate.

No one gets access to them.

Yes, sir.

Guys, I think
the Professor's up to something.

I heard Dwight
tell the Professor...

there could be
a poltergeist in the house...

and that we could all
be in danger!

Oh, no, son!
Not a poltergeist!

What's a poltergeist?

I'm getting out of here.

No. We can't go anywhere.
The gates are locked.

Dwight's the only one
who has the keys.

- Baby, get my Vaseline.
- I'll handle--

Get my Vaseline, a banana,
and some duct tape.

I'm gonna break his legs.

I'm gonna fuck
that little cripple up!

Guys, just give me
five minutes alone with him.

I'll get the keys.

Hello, Dwight.

Oh.

Hi, Theo.

What you working on?

Uh, just a little experiment.

Oh. Work, work, work.

Is that all you ever do?

Well, there's a lot
riding on this project.

You know, the Professor...

might have
everyone else fooled...

but I know
who the real brains...

behind this operation is.

Oh, yeah? You do, huh?

Mm-hmm. That's what
turns me on about you.

You're so smart.

Ahh.

And those sexy eyes.

Ha ha. Oh!

Why don't I put
some music on, huh?

Yeah. Music.

Wha--

You know, Dwight...

I hear
you're the only one...

who has
the keys to the gate.

Uhh...

Ha. That's true.
It is. I'm--

Correct.

What if...

I wanted to borrow
those keys?

Oh, dear sweet God in Heaven.

I... yaaa, I can't.

Oh, come on.
Yes, you can, baby.

- No.
- Please? I mean--

Look. You help me
by giving me the keys...

and I'll help by giving you...
[ Zip ]

Hey, wait, wait, wait!
Whoa!

Hey, I don't need
your help, OK, lady?

I can do it myself.

Woo-hoo!

Hey, look!

I'm tossing my own salad!

Ow!

Oh.

So this is your secret room.

Well...

this just isn't
gonna work now, is it?

Oh, Professor.

Come over here.

Uh-huh!

This way, you big hunk.

Ahem.

Have we met?

Follow me.

Are you playing
a little game?

Where are you?

Come here, baby.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

No!

Aah!

- Is everybody here?
- Yeah.

All right. Let's go.

- Oh!
- Oh, shit, son!

He's not gonna
let us out of here!

He's gonna kill us!

Oh, look.
A rocket scientist.

All right. Quick.
Everybody to the laboratory.

Move! Come on! Hurry up!

You all are fucked!

Lock the door.

OK. We have to destroy it.

That's great.

How are we gonna destroy
what we can't see?

I got it!

We'll shave off
our pubic hairs...

and wear the shampoo
for two weeks!

No. Listen. Listen.

We're gonna use these guns.

They emit a bolt
of concentrated energy...

which can damage
the ectoplasmic cells...

and destroy the ghost.

Now, there's no more ammunition.

Conserve it. Use it wisely.

- Shut up.
- Ow!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Conserve your ammunition.

My bad.

All right.
Now, the only way...

we're gonna be able
to track these ghosts...

is if we're all wearing
one of these.

These are thermo goggles.

They work on the principle
of body heat.

They're so powerful,
they can detect...

where any bodily fluids
have been...

even if
they've been wiped clean.

What?

Ew.

Are my glasses crooked?

Now listen,
that ghost may be invisible...

but we have the advantage
of being armed...

with the most sophisticated
high-tech equipment...

known to man.

How do we stay in touch
with each other?

Do we have
some walkie-talkies?

No. We have these.

Those is Dixie cups.

Well, we kind
of ran short of funds...

after the guns
and the goggles.

All right.
Now let's split up.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Now wait a minute!
Hold up!

How come every time
some scary shit happens...

that we need
to stick together...

you white people always say,
"Let's split up"?

She's right.
We should stick together.

Yes!
That's what I'm saying!

She's right.

OK. You three, follow me.

Ain't that a bitch?

We're gonna die, y'all.

Ah. Did you hear that?

Hell, yeah.

Oh! Where's Shorty?

I don't know.

Shorty!

Oh.

Damn.

All right.
You wait right here.

I'll be right back.

- OK.
- All right.

- Wow.
- What is this?

I don't know.

Looks like the furnace room.

- Let's go.
- No, wait.

In that newspaper article...

it said that Hugh Kane
was killed in the furnace.

Oh, wow. Look at this.

There's so many ashes, Buddy.

What are you doing?

Hold it.

Aah!

Aah!

Let's split up.
I'll meet you on the other end.

- OK.
- Wait.

Good luck.

I love you!

Aah!

- Oh, Shorty!
- Cindy!

There's a monster chasing me.

What are we gonna do?

- I got it!
- Yeah?

Oh!

Shorty!

Aah!

Damn. Why does
the little bitch...

got to bring that shit
over here?

OK. Well, maybe
she won't see me.

Somebody help me! Brenda!

Shit, she saw me.

OK. OK.

Oh! Aah!

Ohh!

Thank you, Lord!

Aah!

OK. Now let
that shit just--

just mutilate
her white ass and leave.

Damn, bitch, please die!

Oh, my God, Brenda!
We're gonna die!

It would have
just been you...

if you had just
shut the fuck up!

It's coming!

What is it?

Is it a monster?
Is it a monster?

Cindy?

This is a skeleton.
This is bones.

Would you run
from Calista Flockhart?

Shut your ass up.

Ha, ha, ha!

Look. He crazy now.

I'm sorry, Mr. Skeleton.
Here.

Ha! Gotcha! Psych!

Have a nice trip.

Ha, ha, ha!

Hey, girl, I got an idea.

Come on.

SKELETON?
Ha ha. Very funny.

Whoo!

Ooh!

Ha, ha, ha!

Now get on out of here!

Somebody gonna
catch an ass-whupping...

when I come back.

Oh, Brenda,
you are so brave.

You know, you really are
my best friend, Cindy.

You guys OK?

- Yeah.
- Please.

It takes more than a little bag
of bones to scare me.

Wedgie!

Ha, ha, ha!

The ghost has Buddy!

Ah! My ass!

Brenda, do something!

OK!

Aah!

I thought
I was your best friend.

Was.

I'm gonna miss you, girl!

Get my gun!

Oh!

Are you OK?

Ow.

Oh, my God, you're bleeding.

Come on. I think there's
a first-aid kit in the lab.

Come on.

Ooh!

Huey... baby...

where are you?

My love? Are you there?

Huey? Baby!

Baby, I got
to talk to you.

- No. Go away!
- Baby? Oh!

Get away from me!

Come on, baby.
We can work this out.

I mean,
if we just stick together...

no one can hurt us,
my love.

It was just a booty call!

Ow! Ooh! Ow! Oh!

Aah!

Why won't you talk to me?

Because you gave me crabs.

Aah!

You are the weakest link.
Good-bye!

Aah!

Ooh. Hey.

How you doing?
Ha, ha, ha!

Aah!

No, no. No kissing.
No kissing.

No. Leave this on.
Leave this on.

You look beautiful
just like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh! Oh!

Oh, shit!

Ohh!

No, no, no.

Don't fuck it up. Ohh.

I've been thinking about
this whole friendship thing.

I've never had a friend...

who cared for me
the way you do.

I mean, there's Ray...

but he cares for me
in a different way...

you know,
like bringing me flowers...

and running my bath water.

And there's nights
when I wake up screaming...

and I look over,
and Ray's in my bed holding me.

Anyway...

seeing as how tonight may be
our last night together...

I was thinking--

That we should take our
friendship a little bit further.

- Yes.
- Oh, Buddy!

I was thinking
the exact same thing.

This might be
our last night alive...

and I want to take
full advantage of it.

I was thinking the same thing!

I want to be able to act out
our innermost fantasies.

Oh, great.

Like...

I've always wanted
to walk on the moon.

Huh?

Buuuuudyyyy.

Ha, ha, ha!

What about you, Buddy?
What do you want to do?

Well...

He's in here.

Oh!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, my God.
He locked us in.

You should call for help.

Hello! Hello.
Can you hear me?

Come in! Come in!

Copy! Do you copy me?

We have a situation here!

Breaker!

Oh, my God.

They can't hear me!

Must be these walls
or something.

OK. All right.

You stay down here.
I'll go check upstairs.

OK.

Ow!

Ah!

- Do you need help or--
- No!

OK.

What do I look like to you?

Just trying to be nice.

Cover me!

What do you want me to do?

Cover me!

Not literally.
I'm serpentining!

They taught me that--

Merchant marines.
Two years.

Spent two years
on my belly in Danang.

- Yeah.
- Look!

Look. Look what
the cripple's doing.

Oh, shit.

Ow-ow-ow!

Look, I know you're proud.
Just let me help you up--

Step it back, candy pants!

Fine.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

I'm cold.

I can't feel my body,
I'm so cold.

Buddy, can you feel this?

No.

Try a little higher.

What about that?

Mm-mmm.

Keep rubbing. Ohh.

Oh, Buddy,
I don't think I'm re--

Cindy, please!
It's a matter of life and death.

I'm asking you...

in the name of love.

OK, Buddy.

In the name of love.

Ohh.

Mmm. Ohh.

Oh, Cindy...

I don't know how much longer
I can hold on.

Don't you say
your good-byes.

You're gonna
get out of here...

and you're gonna go on...

and you're gonna
have lots of little babies.

And you're gonna
die an old man...

Old man.

Warm in his bed.

- Not here!
- No.

- Not like this!
- Amen.

- Do you understand me?
- Oh, yeah.

Coming to this house
was the best thing...

that ever happened to me.

Oh, me, too.

And for that...
I am so thankful.

Oh, don't let go.

Never!
I'll never let go!

- I feel weak.
- Buddy!

- I'm com--
- Come back!

Aah!

All right, Dwight Hartman...

it's your time to shine.

All right. Come on.

Come on, Kane.

Show yourself!

Look. I don't even need
my thermal goggles.

Aah!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh!

Aah!

Ah. Ah.

Ow!

That's right, mother--

Ha, ha, ha!

Whoa!

Ow-ow-ow!

Ha, ha, ha!

Aah!

Hey, Kane, you hungry?

How about
a little snack of this?

Ha ha!

Aah!

Ow. Ow. No. Ow.

Ow-ow-ow.

Gotcha!

Aaargh!

I know what you're thinking.

Did I fire 3 shots or 117?

Well, do you feel lucky...

punk?

Do you... feel lucky?

Do you feel lucky, punk?

Shoot me, motherfucker!

OK. Fine.

Make your best move, ass bite.

- Raaa!
- Aaah!

Oh. Whayaaa!

Whoa!

Whoo!

Aah!

Uh.

Help!

Help!

Here. Take my hand.

Ahh!

Come on.

You're gonna fall
unless you take my hand...

No. Give me
your other hand.

No. My other hand
isn't strong enough.

You take my little hand.

No! Get it away from me!

Take it! Take my hand!

Aah!

Eww.

No.

No. Why me?

No. Come on. No.

I've served you well.
Don't you do this to me.

No, please. Please, no.

Ple-ple-ple--Aah!

OK, Buddy.

It's time for us
to get out of here.

Roger. Roger.
Come in, Roger.

Ray, this is Cindy.

I don't want
to talk to Cindy.

I want to talk to Roger.

Roger, where you at, man?
Quit fucking around.

Ray, listen.
The ghost is close.

He almost got us.
Buddy's hurt.

- What's your location?
- I'm right behind you.

Ray, thank God.
OK. Where's Shorty?

I don't--I don't know.

He was here
just a minute ago.

Listen,
you go help Buddy in the lab.

- I'll go check upstairs.
- All right.

Mmm. That smells good.

Hello, Cindy.

Say heloo to Cindy, Shorty.

Heloo... Cindy.

Shorty, are you OK?

Talk to me!

Morphine? Chloroform?

Horse tranquilizers?
You drugged him!

I did not.
That's all his stuff.

Yaah!

All right, Shorty.

Who's ready
for the main course?

Me! Me.

Oh, Hanson, please.

No. Oh.

What the fuck?

Beetlejuice in the house.

This is your brains
on drugs. Hee!

Oof.

Oh, shit, son.

Aah!

Oh.

Shorty!

Got me.

Cindy, what's going on?

It's Hanson.
He's possessed.

Let's get him.

Whoo!

Ahh.

Angel style!

Hi-yah!

Aah!

Smack my bitch up

Aah!

Uh!

Whoo! OK.

Boo!

Come on.

Aah!

- Oh!
- Aah!

Smack my bitch up

Aah!

OK.

Aaaaaaah...

Oh, nooo!

Oh!

Ohh.

Hee, hee, hee! Ooh!

Aah!

Hi-yi!

Aah!

Aah!

Whoo!

Whoo! Oh! Ooh!

Ooh!

Ow.

Shit.

Ahh!

You OK, Dwight?

I--I can't feel my legs.

Aah!
I can't feel my legs!

You never could.

You stay out of this,
all right?

Now listen.

You get the others
and meet us upstairs.

- All right?
- OK.

You stay here.

Ray-Ray, I need your help.
Give me your belt.

- Hi-yah!
- Hah!

Heee!

Hmmm. The crane.

Ha!

The crouching tiger.

The drunken monkey.

Ooh, ooh, ooh
ah, ah, ah!

The mad cow.

Motherfucker! Moo!

Aah!

The camel toe.

Yow-hi!

Get the hell
out of there, guys!

Come on!

Ray, give me a 180.

OK. Listen.
Someone has to go...

and lure him
onto that platform.

All right. I'll go.

Cindy, let me--

No, Buddy!

I'm the one he wants.

Actually, I was saying...

let me have your computer
if you die.

Oh.

OK. But as soon as
he gets there...

you have to get off.

OK.

All right. 180 me.

Hugh Kane, it's me you want!

Come get me!

I'm not afraid anymore!

Show yourself!

Aah! Oh!

Aah!

Ooh.

Dwight, he's here.
Do something.

I can't.
She's still on the platform.

If I throw the switch,
she'll die.

Cindy, get out of there!
You'll get killed!

Aah!

Ha, ha, ha!

Move out of the way!

I'll get her!

Why is he running so slow?

Ray! Run faster!

OK!

Throw the switch!

Now you will be mine...
forever!

Ray, you saved me.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

I broke my fall.

Ohh. Ah.

Oh.

- Yes!
- Yes!

Hey, y'all.
What's going on?

Shorty, you made it.
You're alive!

Yeah.
It was traumatic.

It really was...

and it's taking me
a while to get over it,

but, you know...

now that we're out of the house
and back in school...

I just know that
everything's gonna be OK.

Oh, God,
will you shut the fuck up?

Why couldn't you have
just left me there to die?

Give me a fucking rope.
I'll hang myself.

Here I go.
I'm hanging myself.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dad.

Are you having fun
on your vacation?

Oh, no. Birds are
very clean animals.

He's no trouble at all.

Goddamn it!

What the fuck
did you put in this birdseed?

Oh, Dad, Buddy's here.
I got to go.

OK. I love you. Bye.

God, that was a big one.

- Hey, Buddy!
- Surprise.

Open chest!

Oh! You got to be quicker
than that, pencil dick.

Come on.

Hey, look out. A bee.

Buddy,
I've never had anyone...

be so protective
of me before.

That's what your man's
supposed to do.

Two hot dogs.

Buddy, get him!

Buddy? Buddy?

I've come back for you.

No! This can't be happening!

Mm-hmm.
It is happening.

Now we're gonna be
together forever.

Nooooo!

Yes!

Did you hear something?

No. I didn't hear nothing.